Go Look

At what my niece and nephew did for my birthday!!

That crazy sister of mine - she is something else!!

Love them all to pieces!!!!!!!

Go Look HERE

Today I Was Born

Your Birthdate: March 31

You're a pretty traditional person. If it's lasted, it's probably good. You seek stability - both in your career and your romantic relationship. In return, you're very loyal and predictable. Which is usually a good thing. Without a partner, you feel lost. Being with someone is very important to you. Your strength: Your dependability Your weakness: You hate being alone Your power color: Midnight blue Your power symbol: Shell Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I love horoscopes. They always intrigue me how they can
be so spot on at times. Except the Chinese horoscopes.
Because I'm a Rat sign. And well, no one wants to be a rat.

The one above is semi-me. I actually quite enjoy being alone.
I like alone time. I love my family yes - but nothing beats a bit
of me time.

And a shell for a power symbol? Who am I Aquagirl? Ah...no.

Color - Blue is my fav.

And April well - I don't know. My son was born in April - that's
all I got.

Check Out This Idiot

It almost pains me to bring any additional attention
to this selfish asshole - but ....go look for yourself...

here

Alright, I Give.....

What the hell is with these?



Seriously.

I don't get it.

EVERYONE is wearing them from kids to adults.

These particular ones are the expensive Crocs brand - but honey,
they are everywhere from Walmart to Nordstrom and in-between.

I GET that they are probably comfy and light and ventilating...
And that someone like a nurse or a chef might find these
like a little slice of heaven. And don't get me started on the color
coordinated aspect.

BUT....they are fucking hideous!
I just don't understand why they are mainstream.

Is it just me?

Some Things I've Learned from Disney

I am ever so happy to report that we did indeed have a wonderful, fun-filled vacation full of 80 degree days and amazing firework filled nights.

Being that we had not taken vacation in 9 years - there was a LOT of pressure on this vacation to be spectacular at the very least. From us - not the kids - they were like little sponges taking it all in - they had NO concept of the massiveness that is Disney.

But, I also learned a few things.

(Disclaimer so as not to be sued by Disney - It Is, Has Been and Will Always BE The Happiest Place on Earth)

BUT...

If you are planning a trip down there - here's a few things I discovered along the way.

1. You should always explain to your 5 year old BEFORE being ripped out of bed in the middle of the night dragged through an airport while ripping his coat and shoes off and throwing his prized possession in a gray bin to disappear into a machine BEFORE YOU GO TO THE AIRPORT!!! Or at least before the man beyond the metal detector yells at him to go back because he attached himself to you while you were walking thru. I'm just saying.

2. Second graders talk about how flying is the SCARIEST THING ON EARTH and yours might not tell you this before she starts having a full blown panic attack down the runway. Or in the air or when the plane is turning or you hit a wind pocket.

3. This one goes with #2 - those earphones they give you - no matter how loud they are - do not drown out the above.

4. All-Star Movie Resort is the FARTHEST resort away from everything and the LAST stop after All-Star Sports and after ALL-Star Music - WHICH THEY CRAMMED EVERYONE FROM ALL 3 RESORTS ON ONE FUCKING BUS.

5. A 5 and an 8 year old CAN hold on while standing on said bus even after walking 13 miles in the blazing sun.

6. We did not rent a stroller. Although I could have really used the ride...

7. There IS enough room to have sex in the bathroom. (Barely, as the sink is OUTSIDE the bathroom)

8. They ACTUALLY use SEGWAYS in Disney. For real. To get them from Point A to Point B. Seriously. Its like a freakshow.

9. If your son farts loud enough in the middle of the night to evoke a laugh out of you because it sounded so wet and gross and the smell does NOT dissipate - he DID shit his pants!

And when the 5 minutes goes by while you are trying to comprehend THAT - hoping the smell goes away and BEFORE you ask the question "Did You SHIT YOUR PANTS???!?"

A) husband hears nothing
B) It is completely liquid and has gone thru all layers INCLUDING COMFORTER
C) Smell will never leave the room
D) Son will then take a shower, get dried off
realize there is an encore waiting in his small intestine and alternate between
puking out his mouth and pissing out his ass for the next 3 hours
E) They will not replace the comforter for the whole week.

10. All of the rude people of the world go to Disney on the same week I did.

11. ALL of the Parks, sometime after 3:00pm smell like shit or dirty feet.
(Perhaps #9 happens regularly. Or perhaps I just tell myself that to make me feel better. Shut Up, I'm sure it happens)

12. Two words - Germ Mecca

13. Apparently, you CAN puke in your bed, in the middle of the night and not wake up before it happens.

14. Downy Wrinkle Release also works well as a replacement of Febreeze.

15. Tower of Terror is the scariest ride ever. And I brought them on it.

16. Southern people are the most fun to be around.
The term "Ya DONE TORE it up" was heard twice on the trip.

17. The PhotoPass Cd is worth every penny. We got 140 hi-res pics for the $99.
Considering it cost me $6 bucks to wash Sir Shittypants stuff - It really is a good deal.

18. The food plan is worth the money. But, the food sucks big ear chunks.

19. A week at Disney feels a little bit like a being in the middle of a cow stampede.

20. We're going back next year.

Back From The Happiest Place On Earth

Yes we are back and while not altogether liking coming back to
40 degree weather - we are HAPPY to be home. I promise a LONG
post tomorrow when I can actually catch my breath. Missed you all.

T.T.F.N. See - I'm still speaking Tigger....

Yeah - BYE - CYA!!

Tomorrow we embark on our 8 days of vacation.
Technically we are staying in Disney 7 days and
6 nights - but since the flight leaves at the
crack of ass on Sunday morning - we opted for
the overnight hotel stay at the airport.

I have not slept in a bed other than my own in
years. But I'm not sure I will be able to sleep anyway
because I am so damn excited!!!!!!

(More exclamation marks, please!!)

So my dears, I will be gone until then.

Check in on my sister for me, please.... thank you!

Who Asked For The Honey Dew?

Yesterday felt more like the
Iron Man triathalon than a typical
Wednesday around here.

Besides being unable to swim towards the light
where the workload is concerned, I had to attend
a presentation at the college of which I teach.

In the middle of the day.
With Lil Man, who I took out of school early to attend.

A dear friend and amazingly talented man was to be
the guest speaker and well I had twisted his arm to do
it - so how could I not show.
And when I say AMAZING let me not be fuzzy about
this... he is the MOST talented I have EVER met.

But I didn't know the presentation was nearly 3 hours long.
With a 5-year old. sigh.

After making it through that (barely) - we ventured to the
accountant to drop off tax stuff and for a quick lunch
via a drive-thru since it was 3:00 after all. Isn't that
when ALL moms feed their 5-year olds lunch?

I'm a winner.

Hey winner mom - don't you have another kid?
Why yes - why do you ask?

Well, because the clock in your mini-van reads 2:50
but since the guys at the garage who, smoked a carton
of cigarettes in your van decided they were really
gonna FUCK with you...they set the clock WRONG!!
Oh yes - its 3:15 - after school lets out and I'm at least
a half hour away and behind every White Hair driving
2 miles an hour on the road.
Fan-fucking-tacular.

I arrived (read here drove like a freaking maniac) and
had about an hour to cook/work/help with homework/
work some more/2 work phone calls/get daughter into
Karate uniform/work/pee etc, etc.

Got to Karate Belt Ceremony - without my Twat of a Husband
and I won't even go there as it is a post all its own....watched
with pride as she kicked ass and rolled eyes at said TWAT when
he arrived 30 minutes late.

Drove home to shower kids/work/eat something quick myself/
work/quickly because my Crazy Sister
was driving an hour and half to go to Walmart. Her night out.
With me. At the WT Haven - see she is CRAZY.

And we had a GREAT time. Well, at least I did.
I poked and made fun of all I laid eyes on...for
my sister's benefit, or course.

Until she pointed out that I had a HUGE hole
in the crotch of my black pants IN THE FRONT,
clearly visible. (And I think I should note that
she noticed this WHILE I was fucking around
trying on a thick-ass belt and walking the cat-walk
in the accessories aisle.)
That I had worn to the college, accountant,
lunch, Karate ceremony and now Walmart.....
At least I was wearing underwear.
Yes, she HOWLED.

(See, I can make her laugh.)

We perused all the aisles - we were in no hurry.
I picked up a few last minute items for our trip.
She picked up the most annoying toy for Lil Max -
which I am SURE is lying discarded on the highway
right now after it sounded off the entire ride home.

But we didn't buy any candles.
I smelled one round one that said Honey Dew
but really smelled like ass. More like a Honey Don't.
And as we were rounding the next turn a loud voice yelled out...
"Who wanted the Honey Dew?"
We both turn. Here comes a crazy, side braid wearing lady who
worked there. With a wild look in her eye she shoved a
Honey Dew Jar Candle up under our noses.

Okay.

Hey Thanks.

Don't mind the hysterical women down the next aisle.
I didn't know they had personal shoppers at Walmart?!
Maybe she could have found me a nice pair
of black polyester pants......

Need A Good Lie...

Seriously. I need some help.

I am obligated to a client dinner with some associates this evening.
It is a standing once a month thing - that I have blown off for
various benign reasons for the last few months.
The event is not teeth-pulling agonizing - but not exactly FUN.
If not for the one girl I work with who makes me laugh hard
enough to send Shiraz out my nose, I would not even bother to go.

They are expecting...perhaps even demanding that I show.

They have even gone so far as to MOVE the date from a previously
chosen date because I could not (would not, should not with a fox...)
attend. I have REASONS. I teach that night - sorry.
Miss Thing has her Karate Belt Test that night - sorry.
You get the picture.

I can't do it tonight.

I have a list of things to do a mile long before we leave for
vacation on Saturday. I have to sew shorts (4) so Miss thing
can wear the ones I bought (she is ALWAYS to thin to wear
her real size - and well - I didn't buy slims - nor do I have
TIME to go buy slims). I have laundry. I have yet to even pull
out clothes to bring, LET ALONE pack for FOUR people.

And I have WORK.
SO. MUCH. WORK.

I was up working until 1:30 am last night and nearly
made a dent.

Remember when I volunteered for the friend's invites?
Yes, her sister needs them TOMORROW. So, first thing
this morning after a cup of coffee and the fog lifted -
there I sat with Xacto in hand cutting invitations out
of the printouts I had made.

The list goes on and on and on...
I need a good excuse not to go to dinner.

Help a sister out....

Want Ad Reads "Raging Headache Seeks Bullet To Put An End To Misery"

O.M.G. The headache that I have is like a dejavu moment from college days. Its reminiscent of one you I had after WAAAAAYYY to many Kamikazee shots. Made with cheap vodka. And fake lime juice and stirred with a dirty finger.

It started last night and has managed implant itself into my brain (its not a tumor) all night long. And then - lucky me - I woke up with it.

So, while I contemplate how hard I would have to smash my head against my desk to relieve the pressure that is sure to explode my head right off my body...I have a question for you lurvly ladies of Blogdom...

What helpful advice can ya give a girl, going on vacation for the first time in 9 years, that is going to Disney and requiring a flight?

Because I obviously KNOW NOTHING!! My sister called this morning and while I was whining about said headache, she innocently asks - "So, what I.D. are you bringing for the kids?" WHAT?! "I.D. ya know - cuz everyone needs I.D.?" WHAT?! Either it IS a tumor or I am a complete stunod because this had not ever occurred to me.

Wait, wait, she is mad-tapping on her computer as she senses just how close to edge I am today, ok Delta you don't need I.D. for kids under 18. Ok.

Oh, did you know they don't give you your airplane tickets in advance anymore???? NO I didn't know that!!!!!!!

OK - so like I said - leave me some good advice that I will read between my head slamming. Thank you. That is all.

My Name To Go Along With My Dance

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Albino Kitty

What's Your Porn Star Name?

Told ya I was Toe-Tag White...
LOVE IT!!!

I'm thinking of changing my name.....

Stripper Dance

Your Stripper Song Is

I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears "I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it. I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it." You may seem shy, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!

What Song Should You Strip To?

Why do I have the sudden urge to buy my husband a wife-beater tee
while driving with my children on my lap in the front seat?

She has lost her mind.
And her body. Poor thing, that's all she had.....
'Cuz brains, not so much.

Dear God,

I am just writing this note to you to remind you that we are
going to see The Mouse and all his friends in 9 days.
I would appreciate the following...

1. A flight free of bumps, dips, screaming, yelling,
complaining and delays.

2. REALLY good weather.

3. Hubbys back to be ok through all the walking, rides
and sex in the bathroom.

4. Not to throw up on Space Mountain.

5. To remember to take pictures of my kids
slack-jawed when they see the GRANDNESS
of it all.

6. To not get sunburned, as you know I am Toe-Tag White.

7. To try not to cry when I see their faces beaming
because they never in a million years imagined it
would be like this.

8. To not wait another 9 years to take a vacation.

9. To not leave behind either of my kids "lovies"
as they may never sleep again...or me for that matter.

10. To remember to buy my sister ears and get a picture...

That's all. Thank you. Amen.

Oh, and....
P.S. Thanks for dropping that wonderful NEW
job in Hubby's lap!! Thank you for all the work
that has come in for me. Thank you for our health.
Thank you for my extended family. And mostly
thanks for allowing me to stay here with my
beautiful family and take care of them.

I know another birthday is coming my way -
and I was wondering if I could see about
60 more? Thanks!

I'm Not Touching You. Air Is FREE.

Why is it that as soon as you turn your back
on your two (individually) wonderful, loving,
caring, beautiful, thoughtful children -
they turn into Chuckie and his Bride?



I swear they pick and taunt and tease
until I swear its going to come down
to blows. Me or them - no matter.

"She's looking at me."

"He's tapping and giving me a headache."

"She keeps changing the channel."

"This is why mommy drinks."

EVERYBODY shut the fuck up!!

I suppose I can't expect that they
act any different than me and my sister did.

And well, in the torture department...
she came up with the small straw every time.
I was the OLDER sister after all by nearly 4 years.

A sample...

At Christmas my dad would bring home
a big box 'o chocolate...a RARE treat...
not to be wasted...
I would make my lil sister take a tiny bite
out of a candy and then show it to me..
if it was a kind I liked - I would take it and
eat it - if it was horrible - I would MAKE
her eat it - threatening to tell my dad.

And well, she's be in deep shit.




Don't cha want to split a box of chocolate with me??

Rinnnnnnnnnnngggggg...Hello?

Sitting here with deadlines for more jobs than I can find on my desk and in the middle of a thought, the phone rings...

rinnnnnnnngggg...Hello?

(small girly voice on the other end) "Hel...Hello Can I speak to Miss thing? It's Megan."

Me - Caught off guard (the phone is ALWAYS for me - no one else - ME) "umm...sure ...hold on...."

What the? When did she get OLD enough to receive phone calls? On my phone? From her FRIENDS?
When the fuck did I turn my back and my baby has friends old enough to pick up a phone...and dial...and ask for HER?

Ok, drama much?

Miss Thing comes bounding up the stairs with the grace of a gazelle - another thing I didn't notice until that exact moment. Wow she looks like a teenager...

Me - "It's for you. It's Megan."

Miss Thing - "Oh Hi Meg...." (takes phone and walks directly to her bedroom where she promptly closes it behind her)

I sat here with mouth agape...stunned. I am not going to lie that I DID try to easedrop (from where I was - no I didn't go get a glass and cup it to the door - even though I WANTED to).

10 minutes later - she emerged from her room - hands me the phone and goes "Here ya go."

Here ya go?? No offering of any kind from Miss Thing..

She is already half way down the stairs when I can't HELP myself... "Hey Miss Thing, what did Megan want?"

She yells back, "She wanted to pick out clothes to match tomorrow - jeans with a black shirt."

Oh.

Go about your business. Nothing to see here. DO NOT MIND the woman in the corner rocking... I am NOT ready for this.
Why can't they stay 5?

Tag I'm It....

Things I've Done for Money:

• Sold old crap at an Antiques Shop

• Waitress at too many restaurants

• Bartender who would shut you off in a NY minute

• Art Director

• Creative Director

• Faculty at Art College


Flicks I Dig:

• Something About Mary

• Without A Paddle

• Its A Wonderful Life

• Pet Detective


Places I've Called Home:

• Naugatuck, CT

• Hamden, CT

• Prospect, CT


Boob Tube Fixes:

• Survivor

• House

• ALL REALITY SHOWS (I am a junkie)

• Grey's Anatomy


I Read:

• anything Stephen King

• anything James Patterson

• The Five People You Meet In Heaven


I Like Me Some Hair Band Tunes:

• Ozzy

• Tesla

• Motley Crue

• ZZ Top

• Kid Rock

• Queensryche


Places I've Been a Tourist:

• New York

• Jamaica

• Florida

• St. Lucia


I Surf:

• Ebay

• Peapod.com

• Amazon.com

• My PTO List


I LOVE to eat (and it shows):

• Sushi

• Italian anything

• Chips and Dip

• Any Appetizers


Now that I'm done with telling you about me - surf on over to my sister and tell her how wonderful she is.... She seems to have forgotten.

Dear MSN Searcher,

Your search... "How do you wear leggings?".

(heavy sigh)

SEE People - SEEEEEEEEE!! They are returning....I told you.

The answer - my searcher friend - "With more balls than I have."

Kid Rock & Scott Stapp Sex Tape

Let me start this off by saying I am a HUGE fan of Kid Rock. HUGE!

And not just of his music.



I like him in that he's so dirty, bad boy who's gonna pull my hair .... if you know what I mean.

Ok. I'm sure you don't. But, whatever.

And I have stood by the fact that if Pam Anderson (who is HOT let's face facts) hopped on board (no pun intended) AFTER being with Tommy "Rows The Boat Ashore with his Dick" Lee - he had to have SOMETHING to show.

I receive my daily NBC news email. Far down reads "Kid Rock Sex Tape to be Released."

AND NO ONE TOLD ME!!!!

I have seen the preview and from that I can tell you I WILL watch out of morbid curiosity ...but I am Scared!!!! SCARED!!
It takes place in a TRAILER...and the snippet they show is of a girl asking Stapp for a clean TOWEL. ewwwwwwwwwwww. ew.

But what made me laugh OUT LOUD where the following comments made by other viewers....

1. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. throw up a little in mouth. ew.

2. does anyone else detect the scent of drakkar and ass?

DRAKKAR AND ASS!!!!!!!! My God, my stomach still hurts.

(Seriously, if you have it - pass it along....Shhh, and don't tell my sister....)

What's Next Leg Warmers?!?!

I have to be honest and tell you that while I am typing this my heart is pounding, I haven't been this scared of fashion since gauchos first reared their ugly head again and brought back flashbacks of grade school Class Picture Day.

There I was perusing the latest Victoria's Secret catalog.
It had all the staples.

Skimpy bras - check.

Thong undies - check.

Low cut or Bra-less Shirts that no one I KNOW can wear - check.

And THEN, on page 146 - there it was - the one thing that could strike fear in any woman over thirty.





FUCKING LEGGINGS!!!!! WTF is that??????
Do you know what the description said?! Flash back, fashion forward. What?!

Skinny, straight-leg leggings with no room for a few extra pounds or a little cottage cheese on your ass. You can see every dimple in those bad-boys. When did straight leg come back in? I was LOVING the wide leg, flares, bell-bottoms!! They balance off my "womanly" figure. I know, I know I bitched about low rise - but let's face it - as long as you are not wearing super low-rise and you have the right size on - they look better than the MOM jeans they were passing off to us. Unless you did any of the aforementioned and then....I saw your ass crack. AND THAT IS NOT ATTRACTIVE!

I mean, I'll look because its kinda like roadkill - hard to turn away. I was at a local pub with a few friends last week and they had bar stools. OK. Barstools are not the best friend of low-rise jeans and short shirts, especially if you are wearing ill-fitting jeans....fyi. I'm here to help. This poor girl had no clue that from behind she looked like my plumber Al and I almost asked her/him to come by to look at the sink.

I'm just sayin.

Put the jeans on - squat down and if you feel a breeze - check before you go out. The girl I mentioned above - also was not wearing any UNDERWEAR! Yes I said it. It looked like ass cleavage and not a thong in the mix. Scary.

I'm not the Fashion Police by any means - but COME ON!!! Over the last few years, I have seen more ass and underwear than back in the good old days of college and art school (where I HAD to draw naked people!).

So today I am making a stand against the lastest fashion trend. Who's with me?

Actual Conversation In The Back Of The Big Blue Minivan

Ipod playing through the car stereo.....Firehouse from KISS comes on.....

Lil Man - "This is KISS right?"

Miss Thing - "Yeah" (tone in her voice that she can't believe he HAD to even ASK)

Music plays for a while longer.....

Lil Man - "Is this Firehouse?"

Miss Thing - "Yes" (more tone)

Lil Man - "Is this Paul Stanley or Gene Simmons singing. I think its Paul."

Miss Thing - (yawning) "It's Paul."

Lil Man - "Mom, the cds we have of KISS - did Dad give those to us?":

Me - "Of course. Your father is a huge fan."

Lil Man - "We have different cds. I don't have Do You Love Me but I do have Strutter and that one that goes (him singing top of lungs) Get Up and get your grandma out of here..."

Miss Thing - (no even a moments hesitation) "Deuce."

Lil Man - "Right! Deuce."

At this point I am laughing hysterically.

I realize that we have fucked them for life with our hair band tendencies. I loves me some rock and roll. Even if its bad. And apparently, so do they.

My Newest Torture Device

Can someone PLEASE tell me why a sports bra is so FUCKING ridiculous to wiggly into?!

Oh don't look at me that way - You know of what I speak! The wriggling, the unrolling, the twisting to and fro and PULLING to get it down over your boobs!!!

Oh go without you say??...NAYYYYY My friends. As I have breastfeed TWO children and my breasts resemble that of a National Geographics Cover Model. I can not (as if an option - I kid myself - I'm a kidder) wear a half shirt/belly shirt sans bra for fear you would see my nipples peeking out the bottom.

Not to say I am of the large breasted kind. Again I say Nay. I am a very watery C cup. Watery is a medical term for boobs that lack silicone volume...fyi. Always here to help inform. It's what I DO.

I know what you're thinking... go with Oprah's Pick on Sports Bras. Its a sassy-ass number with a zip-up front (see, no wriggling for Oprah - oh NO!) Sure. But its $45.00 fucking smack-a-roonies! For ONE bra. I don't spend $45 bucks on an entire outfit - let alone one bra. I work-out 6-7 days a week. And I um.......... glow. OK, OK I FUCKING SWEAT like a male porn star. (Ya got a visual, don't cha?!)

So, I would need at least 5 bras - I do NOT do laundry all that often. That's...let's see...carry the one.... $225.00 bucks on bras. How exactly as I going to slip that past hubby.... (reading/scrutinizing over the MC bill....... what is Boulder Holders for 250 bucks????) Maybe if they were lacy with cut-outs for the nipples - he might go for it.

Who am I KIDDING, he's seen me workout (as we have a gym in the basement) and my friends, it is not pretty.

But I rocked the shit out of the elliptical AFTER I wrangled that bra on and kicked it up to level 7!! Yes 7!! Bob and Jillian would have been so proud. I will be the BIGGEST LOSER!!!!!