July 30, 2007

It Doesn't Matter That I Took Calculus in High School....

Saturday I found myself dodging raindrops to gather rations for my family's impending visit on Sunday. It was not a fancy ordeal - simply a cook-out with all the fixin's. While I had already loaded my truck with the oversized goodness of BJs, I found myself with a full cart at the local grocery store, Stop and Shop. Coming down the last frozen food aisle, I spied the Dunkin Donuts inside this particular store and thought, "Hey, I want iced coffee. Hey, DH will want iced coffee. And HEY I have a coupon - SCORE!"

Trot over to the counter, present the clerk with 2 coupons that would allow me to purchase a MEDIUM ICED COFFEE for $1.29 instead of the regular $2.09 - a deal, no? I cheerily tell her, 2 iced coffees regular please! I hand her the coupons.

"Uhhhhh, you can only use one, per visit."

"Are you going to make me come back for the other? Can't you just ring them separately? I mean, it doesn't say one per day..."

"Yeah, it's just that I could get in trouble - like I did today when I brought my purse behind the counter."

(Thinking this is a weird conversation - but WHATEVER.)

"Ok, well I don't want you to get in trouble - so I'll just use 1 coupon, ok?"

"No, no - it's ok - I'll ring them in different orders." (Doesn't that mean the same as separately???)

Rings in 1 medium iced coffee = $2.09 + tax = $2.19

She is STARING at the register. Clearly they do not have a BUTTON for the coupon. She yells in back for a calculator. Comes back with one and is really stumped.

"All you have to do is take $2.19 and minus $1.29 and find the difference."

(Staring at me like I have 9 heads) "What?! I can't have tax."

"Ok, then $2.09 - $1.29 is what ....80¢ right? There all set."

(clearly frazzled) "NOOOOOO it has to ADD UP TO $1.29!!!!"

"Yeahhhhhhhhh if you minus the 80¢ from $2.09 - you get $1.29....." (Holy crap, really??? REALLLLLLLYYY???)

"What?? - tell me again....(does the whole thing on the calculator under my direction - HUGE SMILE"

"What are you, like a Math Teacher or something?!"

"uhhh, no."

Proceeds to ring the next order - has completely forgotten the entire process and I have to tell her step by step AGAIN.

"OK - here's the money - thanks."

"Seriously, are you like a Math Teacher??? Cuz this happens ALL THE TIME and we should have your number on SPEED DIAL."

"No, NOT a Math Teacher. I just think that this NEW MATH screwed all of you up."

Ok, Seriously?? When it is ok to pass kids through school who so obviously have no basic skill sets? They can't add or subtract without guidance or the cash register with pictures and buttons to do it for them. When did this become ok to us?

I feel sorry for these kids - they are on the fast track to minimum wage and a good possibility of being taken advantage of simply because they wouldn't know the difference. They can text message with their eyes closed, download music and pay bills online - but can't make change. Unbelievable. Maybe I should have left her my number......

July 26, 2007

Question For Ya

If you are at the dinner table, politely enjoying a dinner that YOU prepared, like you ALWAYS prepare EVERY FUCKING DAY and your significant other is joking around with the kids and decides to make YOU the focus of his lame ass jokes by rhyming silly rhymes for the kids and ends his asshole chant with "And your mother's PLUS SIZE ASS" would you...

A) Shoot daggers out of your eyes and claim that was a horrible thing to say?

B) Storm upstairs to let him clean up dinner?


C) Bury his fucking stupid ass next to the geraniums in the back yard?

I thought so. No one mind the lump in the lawn.

July 25, 2007

What I've Learned From My Disney Trips - Part II

As previously stated here the following disclaimer still applies...

(Disclaimer, so as not to be sued by Disney - It Is, Has Been and Will Always BE The Happiest Place on Earth)


1. When I am on the airplane and trying to talk Miss Thing off the ledge - remember last year? No? Go to the link above and read - go ahead - I'll wait.... Ok and you get the row on the plane that is against the stewardess station - so your seats do NOT recline - but the people in front of yours do - and you get the row with 2 seats and the fold up stewardess seat. And while she's buckled in during take-off and you are trying to make a point to your very scared 9 year old who has made you promise the plane will not blow up (I SWEAR) and say "Honey, listen, do you REALLY think this nice woman would make this her JOB if it was dangerous?" And the nice woman says, "I would absolutely NOT do this if it were dangerous." I smile at Miss Thing and then the stewardess continues - "Not to worry - there is so much security since 9-11." WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??? Did you seriously JUST BRING UP 9-11 to ME on the fucking plane up in the air?!? Don't they teach you that is verboten???

2. July is the the absolute WORST time to go to Disney, Universal, or really Florida in general. As all of my Southern blog-friends have stated, you either stay indoors in the comfort of the AC or dip your ass in the pool - which is really not all that refreshing as the water is boiling from being that close to the sun - it felt more like I was making a Soup Stock boiling in my own savory juices - well, me and 100 other strangers.... I bet the soup was salty. The only consolation was that at least we didn't go in August. See...glass half full....

3. Blisters. Really no matter the shoe of choice, when it is THAT hot, your feet sweat everywhere including the tops and those comfy sandals you sported last year become torture chambers, insuring that you will have blisters that chafe and rub and become bloody-scabs that rip off at each line you are in, because some asshole (usually your family member) stepped on the back of it. And WHEN you break down and buy the cheesy $20.00 Pirates of the Caribbean thong flip-flops because anything has GOT to be better than what you have - and you wear them ONE night to Epcot and your lovely not-watching-where-the-fuck-he-was-going husband STEPS on the back of one and successfully lodges the thong part between your big toe and the second toe and RIPS the biggest piece of not ready to come off skin - it WILL hurt for the duration of the trip.

4. You score EXTRA points if you do not tell him this was his fault until you reach home. (See, I am considerate.)

5. The First Aid area in Magic Kingdom gives the biggest and best band-aids EVER - for FREE. Because, seriously - even though you thought ahead and brought an entire box - they will be gone in 3 days.

6. Speaking of shoes - do you know that Disney sells its own brand of hideous Crocs??? Yes, they do. Complete with mouse head cut-outs instead of holes. Guess how much?? $38.00. Wow. What a fashion-disaster rip-off. But, believe me MANY people were wearing them. Don't tell me about the comfort aspect - I am just not buying it. They are ugly as sin - end of story.

7. The Pop Century Hotel was a very cool place to stay. The room was average - but the decorum was great throughout - they had many 3-D picture boxes full of memorabilia from everything from the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s. Very cool. They had 4 pools - all very large, a great counter service restaurant, clean public bathrooms and nice workers. I would highly recommend it for someone who is looking at the moderate hotel stay. I personally don't believe in spending a ton of money on the hotel room when we are only sleeping and showering there - I'd rather spend my money elsewhere. We stayed at the building behind the giant Big Wheel sculpture. Awesome.

8. Fake sprayed on tan.... not so much in that heat. I sweated off most of it in 2 days. Would NOT do that again.

9. Bring more than one bottle of spray sun-block if you are going in the summer. We went through tons of it - as you sweated it off so quickly. If you or your kids are quick to burn - bring 2 bottles.

10. Do you owe 7 bras that you really like to wear? I don't either. BUT before you go to Florida - buy them. If you are like me - at home - you can wear that bra 2 days or throw it in the wash quickly enough. There was NO way you could get another day out of ANY of your clothes and I ended up washing my unmentionables in the sink - trying desperately not to let it TOUCH the sink.

11. No matter HOW hard I try - I become a complete FREAK in the hotel room. I am prone to screaming "GET OFF THE FLOOOOOOOOOR and OMG Don't Sit THEEEEEEEEERRRE!" I did bring a small bottle of Lysol with me and wipes - it helped. A little. I suggest you bring some sort of germ killer.

12. The Meal Plan is worth every penny if you use it to your full advantage. You get a counter meal, a dinner and a snack every day for each of you. We would use it for breakfast at Pop Century and since we were eating late - didn't usually eat another full meal until dinner. We would use our snack credit to buy a bottle of water or Powerade - they don't tell you can do this - but you can. And dinner we booked ahead of time at the following: (all of which are included as a meal plan with no extra money out of your pocket)

Cinderella's Castle for lunch - this is actually 2 dinner credits - but worth every penny. They start you off with a picture of Cinderella with you kids that you get before the meal is over in 8 x 10 form and (4) 2 x 3's, as well as an 8 x 10 of the castle itself. The dinner is great food choices and there are characters that come around for autographs and pictures. We had Jasmine, the Fairy Godmother, Snow White and Cinderella. This changes from time to time and you have no choices. The girls get a wand and the boys a sword when you walk in, and a Wishing Star. They call each kid princess or prince when they are addressing them - it is too cute to see their faces when this happens.

Hollywood and Vine for dinner - buffet style with good food lots of choices and nice atmosphere - at MGM Studios.

Epcot's Mexican Restaurant - awesome. Nothing else to say.

Epcot's German Restaurant - great food, great show while you are eating - again, awesome.

13. Typhoon Lagoon has the greatest wave pool EVER. It is a bit rough - I would not recommend it for little kids - but we stayed in there for hours. My kids body surfed the waves like little fish. The other rides are ok - but the lines are LONG and out in the direct sun and last about 15 seconds - so, I wouldn't do them again personally. Oh, bring your towel from the hotel - or you have to RENT one for $1.

14. High School Musical Pep Rally at MGM was a fucking madhouse.

15. Universal Studios ROCKS. The last time I was there - 15 years ago - it was only ONE park. Now it is TWO. It is expensive to get in (and to get there since Disney hotel transportation doesn't go there - we got the Mears bus for $60 round trip for the 4 of us) and even more expensive for the Express Lane/VIP tickets which get you to the front of the line on all rides that accept it (which is nearly all of them) - it cost us $611 for 4 VIP tickets and it was worth EVERY PENNY!!!! We rode every ride immediately after getting in line - unlike the Fast Pass at Disney - there is not set time to go and because you are paying for this option - there are far fewer people using it. You are supposed to only be able to use it once for each valid ride - but the operators don't care and we rode every ride 2 and 3 times. Really - the best day we had in Florida.

We had a great vacation. It was wonderful to spend so much time with my kids and my husband and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Pics of the rides to come. They are classic!

July 23, 2007

We're Back

We are back from Florida - Land of the Mouse and all it's gift shops. Thank you to my wonderful sister for posting at NWMOTY. I laughed at the questions and at the answers. Perfect. As usual for her.

I have but one question for all of you SOUTHERN folk....especially those in Florida - HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LIVE THERE IN THIS HEAT OF THE SUMMER?!?!?! I mean, GOD! I think I lost weight on vacation. Yeah, Yeah, I know it was only water weight - but still. I swear we sweated from the moment we woke until we slept again.

The weather was a consistent 92 - 95 degrees with a heat index in the 100s every day we were there. And those daily thunder and lightning storms? Well, aren't they a hoot'n-nanny?? Awesome, especially when you are in line for a ride and your kids are leaning on the metal chain-link robes they use to cattle you through the mouse-maze. Might as well fly a kite with a key attached, for fuck's sake. It was SO hot - we simply stayed out later at night - sometimes until 2:00 am and slept in until 10:00 in the morning - ate breakfast and got to the parks near 12:00. That way we were only in the direct sun a few hours before we caught a bit of relief around 4 or 5:00.

As I mentioned in a comment to my sister, there was puking. A single incident on the 3rd day we were there. I thought - oh God - not again. But, it was just the one time - and I think it was a bit of overeating, the hot sun, and waiting in line at the dreaded Tower of Terror. Again. Poor Lil Man - it's always him.

We rode every ride, saw every show and ate everything imaginable. We also bought every picture from every ride that offered one. There are some classics there - and I will show you some when I get caught up over here. For now, I'll show you this, from Animal Kingdom, in front of the Everest ride (which was awesome), from the Photopass CD we bought.

Disney does this Photopass card which you give to all the photographers, who are located everywhere in all the parks, and they combine all of the photos from your visit. The nice thing is, you are all in the pics - no one is missing and they know the best spots to take the photos. The entire CD cost around $100 - which seems steep - but we payed $20.00 for each cheesey ride photo and got over 50 photos on the CD. Last year we had 140 photos. It costs the same no matter how many pictures you have. I know a women who went down with her family and the combined all the Photopass Cards and got 400 pics for the same price. Tomorrow - I hope to add to my list from last year of Things I Learned From Disney.

July 20, 2007

My Reign is Over

Sharpie will likely return to her regularly scheduled blogging on Monday, as she and her family return from their vacation late tomorrow evening. I spoke with her and her kids via phone today and everyone sounds like they're having the times of their lives. I, like you all, can't wait to hear all the hysterical stories that likely filled the last week.

Welcome home, Sharpie. We missed you, terribly.

July 18, 2007

Answers and Updates

Did y'all see Sharpie's update in the comment section yesterday? Day 3 brought puking. Ughhhhhhh. Poor sweet things, having to deal with yak at didney.

Let's hope she's having a good time.

Onto the questions and corresponding answers!!!!

Melodyann asks three questions:

1. Were you ever arrested, and why?

I don't believe Sharpie was ever arrested for anything. Growing up, I'd definitely be the more likely one to get picked up for something. But Sharpie? Maybe, during her college days, she'd get tagged for drunk in public, or smoking the occasional dube, but not much else. Plus, she used to be a bartender at a joint in the same town where she went to college which happened to be frequented by most of the local law enforcement. She provided the good looks, sexy smile and the drinks, and they didn't mess with her.

2. Have you ever picked something out of the trash? And not YOUR trash...

Sharpie is NOT a trash picker. She's SOOOO not a trash picker, that she doesn't even lift her own trash can lid to throw something away. No no no, she's not a snoot, she just has one of these so she doesn't have to. Her house is aways clean, neat and full of the prettiest stuff around. With that said, she's about as likely to go dumpster diving as we're likely to see Bush's approval rating rocket in a positive direction before the end of his term. You get the picture.

3. Is there anything that your husband does in public that embarrasses the shit out of you, but you haven't told him about?

It's almost impossible for Sharpie to hold her tounge about anything. It's not that she's obnoxious, she just doesn't have the gene that most people do to lie. She CAN'T lie. At all. About anything. Ever. She's the person you want with you when you make a major clothing purchase (i.e., a wedding dress) because she'll tell you, with all honesty, what's going on. The same goes for her Hubby, which is how I think they've managed to keep such an incredible, high-octane relationship after so many years.

Thanks Melodyann! And, keep those questions coming!

July 17, 2007

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sharpie, But Were Afraid to Ask

tap tap tap tap...

Hello? This thing on?

So, here's the deal. For the next few days, while Mrs. Sharpie is lounging by the pool, soaking up all that is Disneyfreakin' World, I'll be taking your questions. Any questions, about Sharpie. Despite her being pretty open and forthcoming on her blog, I have some dirt and dish I could share to the person with the right question.

Ask away. I'm listening.

July 15, 2007

Just As Long As We Clean Up the Joint Before She Returns

Hey y'all, it's Sherry, or sometimes better known as Sharpie's sister, here to let you know that Sharpie and family arrived at the Happiest Damn Place on Earth this morning safe, sound and in one piece. Although, I heard rumblings of Miss Thing's paranoia...something about the plane blowing up...but otherwise, all seems well.

But WAIT! There's MORE!!!!

Sharpie has bestowed upon me access to her BLAWG, and the powers of guest-bloggerness to do with this online palace what I may in her absence!!!!!

Wielding that type of responsibility...is almost too much.

Stay tuned, and may the hijinks begin.

July 13, 2007

While I'm Away

Sunday is the big day and while I am feverishly gathering, washing, packing and writing notes for all of the pet care - I just wanted to say I'll miss you all!

SO...... in light of the last vacation - I would like to hear your best/worst /funniest vacation experiences ever.

I'll start.

While on our honeymoon, DH & I went on a cruise for a week and then on to St. Lucia for a week. The first night on the cruise, we were walking along one of the floors where the have walls full of pictures of the cruise guests. While looking for our pictures (to buy of course) we parted to look in either direction. Having found nothing, I wandered back over to my gorgeous new husband, who had his back to me, and I nuzzled into his neck and grabbed his ass. Sounds mundane, no?


Imagine BOTH of our surprise when he turned and looked at me - half smiling - half-embarrassed. I was stammering an apology and staggering (maybe BOLTING) away ready to DIE. I was a shade of red only a person a mere 26 years old could pull off.

The BEST part? DH was across the room watching the WHOLE thing. Laughing. Hysterically.

I was not the self-assured person I am now. I was a mouse. If that happened now - I would have laughed - no - roared and told him he knew he liked it. Or was it good for him, etc.

But then...no - I almost died.

And you KNOW we continued to see him and his WIFE (who bore holes into my head with her eyes) EVERYWHERE, which is near impossible on a large boat. But, we did.

Now, it's your turn.....

July 11, 2007

T-Minus 5 days and counting

I can hardly believe that the kitchen wipe-off board is down to the single digits in the COUNTDOWN TO DISNEY. We leave on Sunday morning. Bright and early. Plane leaves at 7:30am. Did I mention what a TOOL I was and accepted an invitation to a friend's wedding on Saturday night. Right. The night BEFORE we leave. I am sooooo smart.

I have much to do in the way of packing (read NOTHING is packed yet), though I have started to make piles or crap here and there.

The kids must think I am an even bigger loser as I awoke this morning to their feverish piling and packing of THEIR OWN CLOTHES. Perhaps they think I'm actually not going to do it?

July 10, 2007

Changing My Skin Color Like Michael Jackson

Only different. I'm not trying to get whiter. I think that might be physically impossible since I am nearly TOE-TAG white at present and whiter would make me translucent. Yes, my friends I am whiter than white. I have been referred to as MOON GLOW instead of tan on MANY occasions.

Don't get me wrong, beautiful porcelain skin is nice if you are asian - which I am not. The skinny broads at the nail salon are always telling me how MUCH they love my skin. Maybe because there is enough of it to wrap three of them in it. Fucking EAT A SANDWICH. God.

Growing up, I tried everything to get a tan. I would lay out in the sun for hours only to come in the shade of LOBSTER and later peel off 2 or 3 layers of skin and then be left white again. See that's the irony, when you burn and PEEL - no tan.

I remember one summer, I had bought this suntan/sunblock which was about an SPF 8 (I need like a 45, I shit you not), and it had tiny little flecks of metallic in it. How cool I thought I was, slathering that Reynolds Wrap in a bottle all over my pasty white skin and then laying ON THE BEACH for the day. See, it never occurred to ME that putting something on that would REFLECT the sun all over my body, let alone the attraction of the reflection from the ocean, coupled with the blazing high noon sun for the day, MIGHT present a burn factor on the darkest of skins.

Oh shit, I burned. Bad. I blistered on the drive home. I didn't know how bad it was until I saw my mother's face. She had that look of horror mixed with terror. Not mad. She wasn't mad. She was scared. Then I was scared. And in serious pain. She sprayed my entire body in Solarcaine, which works great for a tiny sunburn. It did nothing for me. Then I sat shivering on our vinyl chairs in the kitchen, teeth chattering and decided perhaps I would go to bed. I stood up and realized that Vinyl Chairs + Severe Sunburned Legs = No Skin. It was a math factor I never forgot.

After that day, my quest for tan skin continued on a very small scale. I tried tanning for a bit. Burned. After 5 minutes in the tanning bed. Burned. The people who ran it could not believe it.

After awhile I gave up. White I am, white I'll be. Until yesterday.

Yesterday I went to the local spa and had myself airbrushed sunless tanned. And fuck me, if I don't look GREAT!

However this little slice of heaven is not without a certain amount of effort. There is the cost (approx. $25.00 per session and it lasts 7 - 10 days), and the fact that you have to stand there in all your glory for the airbrush artist for spray you. Up Close. In Person.

I had a delightful spa girl named Marsha. Seems that she is the only one who does this type of work, which is tricky working an airbrush over pasty white skin. She ushered me into the Shower Room, which looked like a Morgue equipped with table with drain with shower heads above it and full on stadium lighting. Great.

She told me to disrobe down to where I was comfortable. COMFORTABLE?? Is she kidding? If I had on a Parka THAT would make me comfortable. Here is a pair of disposable panties and I'll be back in a minute. I felt like I was at the gyno's without the deli paper. What was I going to do? Wear a bra? Fuck that - I was not paying to have lines. But standing there with my bush out? Um, no. I kept my thong undies on and stood in the corner of the room cowering with my hands over my nipples. See me standing there? I know. I KNOW. I chose to be there, but GOD!

Knock, knock - soft tapping. I roll my eyes. Come In, I say - still standing covering my nipples, as if she has never SEEN nipples before. I tell her I am nervous and she laughs. We have the same parts - now stand with your arms and legs out like Leonardo da Vinci's Vitruvian Man and let's get started. Alrighty then.

I stand as directed and the whole process takes about 5-10 minutes. She sprays and sprays, and even blots where there is too much. She sprays my face. I am nervous about this. She seems satisfied with the work. Turns on a fan and tells me to stand and turn, like a rotisserie chicken for the next 5 or 10 minutes, and then I should be dry. She leaves and turns on this red light instead of the stadium lighting. Thank God.

I walked out of there a slightly darker color than I have ever seen on me and awoke this morning to a beautiful bronze body, head to toe, minus tan marks on my lower bikini zone. I go back today for her to smooth out any areas and I am good to go.

We have a wedding on Saturday. We leave for Disney for a week on Sunday. I will be TAN. Hopefully this shit doesn't come off with sweat. Won't THAT be a pretty sight? Instead of white, I'll look like I'm melting.

Well, let's just hope that Disney THIS year is better than last year.....

July 09, 2007

When Being Born In Another Country Is NOT Your Friend

My gorgeous husband of 11 years was not born in America. He was born in Italy and came over here to live at the age of 3. You would think that all this time in America would make him as American as you or I, no? No. Because growing up in an immigrant household helps to cement values, traditions and dare I say it, language and/or sayings from your country of origin.

This last point is never lost on me and proves to be a constant source of entertainment ...for me.

For example, when you put a spoon in a cup and twirl it around - what do you call that? Stirring, right? No. Turning. He is turning his coffee.

Another? Ok. When you are asked to bring a dish to someone's house - did they ASK you to bring it? No. They LET you or MADE you. Neither of these make any sense to me AT ALL - but his entire family says it - so I can only conclude that there is something in the translation of this that makes sense to only them.

NOT that my dearest sweetie-pie does not make sense. These little quirks are few and far between, but always send be rolling on the floor laughing. My husband is very quick-witted and has a dark sarcastic sense of humor that I adore. Though he does need to stick to what he is good at.

While showing hubby how the new fancy-schmancy digital washer and dryer work, he began taunting my laundry capabilities... (To be fair, DH does 99% of the laundry)

DH - "Oh my GOD - what are you doing? Do you EVEN KNOW how to do laundry?"

Me - "I am sorting, you pain-in-the-ass - something you don't do."

DH - "PLEASEEEEEEEEEE! I have been sorting since you were thigh-high to a...ummmm...what is the saying?"

I am already laughing at this point.

Me - "Piss ant?"

DH - "Oh yeah. yeah that's it. Since I was thigh-high to a piss-ant."

Me - "Babe?"

DH - "Yeah?"

Me - "It's knee-high. Knee-high to a piss ant. Not thigh-high."

DH - "It kinda loses something when you are correcting it, doesn't it?"

Me - "Yes, yes it does."

And then I laughed until I cried in the piles of laundry.

July 06, 2007


Well, at least Janeylynn think so! Thanks so much girl! If only I could convince my KIDS that this is true!

And now I must pass on the LOVE by giving the distinguished honor to 5 Awesome Rocking Blogger Chicks who haven't already felt the love. Here are my picks for the Rocking Blogger Chick Awards....

1. Sherry - My sister, my confidant, my total freak other half. She totally ROCKS at all times and always have. She is the one person who absolutely GETS me and knows me and likes me anyway. I have always admired her sassiness and awesome fashion sense (and may have even bought it right off her back a few times). She is the reason I even started this blog in the first place. Recently she pulled her blog off the net - she was feeling uninspired and unloved as there seemed to be a dip in readership and commenting (I SUCK at commenting). But, I want her to know that her writing is awe-inspiring and I really want her to come back soon. (Feel free to leave her some love here in my comments - perhaps we can convince her!)

2. Blue - She's a kick-ass Mom of FIVE that still finds time to post funny, thought-provoking stories, design tee shirts, keep her house in order AND run a farm. Plus she curses like trooper on her other site!

3. Tacky Princess and White Trash Mom - These women are hilarious, talented working Moms and I adore their candor in their quests to raise their families. They also bring many great topics to the table for discussion. And seriously, how can you NOT like two women who also write for Disney Family, right?

4. LaLa - And old friend that I have been following from the days long before this blog. I LOVE Lala and you will too. She's smart, funny and wonderful. She's had a bit of a rough patch lately and could really use a hug - go give her one! Tell her Sharpie sent you!

5. Penny Karma - No one makes me snort coffee out of my nose like Penny Karma. She's a hoot and a holler! This SAHM has more adventures with her Power Panties than I can count and she totally ROCKS at all of them!

Now go forth you five, and share the love with others! Pick 5 bloggers who have no already been bestowed with this award and show them the love!

July 05, 2007

Christmas In July

As I mentioned a few posts ago, my kids are enrolled in the local Summer Camp in town. They take kids from Kindergarten up through 5th grade and allow the kids to pick 5 different activities that they partake in every day of those two weeks. You don't always get the activity you want. And try as they might, you don't always get the same age group in the activity.

Case in point, Kids in the Kitchen. BOTH of my children are in this class together. A soon-to-be 4th grader and a soon-to-be 2nd grader. Doesn't seem so bad since they are related, right? Right. But then, there are also soon-to-be 5th graders in this class too.

It seems one particular 5th grader - we'll call him Shit-For-Brains, decided being the height of summer, that he would tell my kids there was NO SANTA. Yes, he did.

Here's how it played out....

First thing out of Lil Man's mouth as we walk in the door from Summer Camp.... "Mom, is there REALLY such a thing as Santa?"

I have my back turned and thank GOD cuz the surprised look on my face may have blown my response. And what the fuck is THIS!

"What?! What are you talking about?" Great start, no?

"Well this 5th grader told me there is no Santa and that the parents are the ones who buy the gifts."

"Well that is ridiculous."

"He said Santa was dead!"

Miss Thing has been eyeing me the WHOLE time - looking for a crack and pipes in with "The other 5th graders were agreeing with him."

"Well, you KNOW how 5th grade boys ARE - they don't want to disagree and seem unpopular." Best to plant the seed of distrust in boys now, no?

They are both just looking at me. Quick - act quick.

"Listen you two, I don't know about YOU - but I BELIEVE and I KNOW what the truth is. Maybe he didn't believe, or maybe he was SO FRESH Santa wasn't GOING to bring him ANYTHING - so, his parents HAD to buy him gifts." Holy crap, that was GOOD!

Both are shaking their heads in agreement.

Lil Man says "Yeah and he said I didn't have a phone - that I was a liar."

"Well there you have it - this boy does not know what he's talking about. You KNOW you have a phone - you can't possibly trust someone to tell you information when they so obviously don't know WHAT they are talking about."

The last part I said with authority. They bought it. Thank God.

Now, I understand Miss Thing is right on the edge of not believing being 9 and all - but Lil Man is only 7 and I'll be DAMNED if I am going to let this little prick ruin it. And in July - nowhere NEAR Christmas season! I understand that I threw the kid under the bus - but he deserved it. What kind of malicious thing is that to do? Seriously. Didn't his parents explain to him NOT to ruin it for other kids? Why even bring it up?

I fully intend to tell my daughter the truth if she presses me this year. But ONLY her. And I will tell her this - Santa IS real - he always has been. He lives in all of us. His spirit and the true meaning of Christmas is magical and special and everyone should experience that. We carry on the tradition as a way on honoring the spirit and we will continue to do so for all those who believe - including her brother, who she will be able to buy stuff for FROM SANTA. She will be Santa with the rest of us and feel the pure joy it brings. And she will not be allowed to ruin it for other kids - because she will believe in the spirit of giving, the love of others and the magic it brings into her heart.

Please parents, tell your kids the same. I don't want to WANT to poke your kids eyes out with a fork.