July 10, 2007

Changing My Skin Color Like Michael Jackson

Only different. I'm not trying to get whiter. I think that might be physically impossible since I am nearly TOE-TAG white at present and whiter would make me translucent. Yes, my friends I am whiter than white. I have been referred to as MOON GLOW instead of tan on MANY occasions.

Don't get me wrong, beautiful porcelain skin is nice if you are asian - which I am not. The skinny broads at the nail salon are always telling me how MUCH they love my skin. Maybe because there is enough of it to wrap three of them in it. Fucking EAT A SANDWICH. God.

Growing up, I tried everything to get a tan. I would lay out in the sun for hours only to come in the shade of LOBSTER and later peel off 2 or 3 layers of skin and then be left white again. See that's the irony, when you burn and PEEL - no tan.

I remember one summer, I had bought this suntan/sunblock which was about an SPF 8 (I need like a 45, I shit you not), and it had tiny little flecks of metallic in it. How cool I thought I was, slathering that Reynolds Wrap in a bottle all over my pasty white skin and then laying ON THE BEACH for the day. See, it never occurred to ME that putting something on that would REFLECT the sun all over my body, let alone the attraction of the reflection from the ocean, coupled with the blazing high noon sun for the day, MIGHT present a burn factor on the darkest of skins.

Oh shit, I burned. Bad. I blistered on the drive home. I didn't know how bad it was until I saw my mother's face. She had that look of horror mixed with terror. Not mad. She wasn't mad. She was scared. Then I was scared. And in serious pain. She sprayed my entire body in Solarcaine, which works great for a tiny sunburn. It did nothing for me. Then I sat shivering on our vinyl chairs in the kitchen, teeth chattering and decided perhaps I would go to bed. I stood up and realized that Vinyl Chairs + Severe Sunburned Legs = No Skin. It was a math factor I never forgot.

After that day, my quest for tan skin continued on a very small scale. I tried tanning for a bit. Burned. After 5 minutes in the tanning bed. Burned. The people who ran it could not believe it.

After awhile I gave up. White I am, white I'll be. Until yesterday.

Yesterday I went to the local spa and had myself airbrushed sunless tanned. And fuck me, if I don't look GREAT!

However this little slice of heaven is not without a certain amount of effort. There is the cost (approx. $25.00 per session and it lasts 7 - 10 days), and the fact that you have to stand there in all your glory for the airbrush artist for spray you. Up Close. In Person.

I had a delightful spa girl named Marsha. Seems that she is the only one who does this type of work, which is tricky working an airbrush over pasty white skin. She ushered me into the Shower Room, which looked like a Morgue equipped with table with drain with shower heads above it and full on stadium lighting. Great.

She told me to disrobe down to where I was comfortable. COMFORTABLE?? Is she kidding? If I had on a Parka THAT would make me comfortable. Here is a pair of disposable panties and I'll be back in a minute. I felt like I was at the gyno's without the deli paper. What was I going to do? Wear a bra? Fuck that - I was not paying to have lines. But standing there with my bush out? Um, no. I kept my thong undies on and stood in the corner of the room cowering with my hands over my nipples. See me standing there? I know. I KNOW. I chose to be there, but GOD!

Knock, knock - soft tapping. I roll my eyes. Come In, I say - still standing covering my nipples, as if she has never SEEN nipples before. I tell her I am nervous and she laughs. We have the same parts - now stand with your arms and legs out like Leonardo da Vinci's Vitruvian Man and let's get started. Alrighty then.

I stand as directed and the whole process takes about 5-10 minutes. She sprays and sprays, and even blots where there is too much. She sprays my face. I am nervous about this. She seems satisfied with the work. Turns on a fan and tells me to stand and turn, like a rotisserie chicken for the next 5 or 10 minutes, and then I should be dry. She leaves and turns on this red light instead of the stadium lighting. Thank God.

I walked out of there a slightly darker color than I have ever seen on me and awoke this morning to a beautiful bronze body, head to toe, minus tan marks on my lower bikini zone. I go back today for her to smooth out any areas and I am good to go.

We have a wedding on Saturday. We leave for Disney for a week on Sunday. I will be TAN. Hopefully this shit doesn't come off with sweat. Won't THAT be a pretty sight? Instead of white, I'll look like I'm melting.

Well, let's just hope that Disney THIS year is better than last year.....


At 10:12 AM, Blogger Not a Granny said...

OMG, are you sure you like it? I have heard of the spray tanning, but never actually talked to someone who had it done!

I use to use babyoil! Talk about a burn. The last time, hubby had to talk to the emergency room, and they kept me slathered in that white burn cream.

Haven't done it since and I live in Florida!

At 10:20 AM, Blogger Sharpie said...

Not A Granny (I was going to do your initials until I realized it was NAG - LOL) it really DOES look great. I am surprised as I have used every sunless tanner on earth - rubs, creams, wipes - they all suck. They all smell. They all look fake. THIS looks great really.

At 10:39 AM, Blogger LadyBugCrossing said...

You are so brave!!!
I could never ever do that! Of course I'm a big chicken...

I burned the tops of my feet when I was a lifeguard. I couldn't wear shoes, or socks or flip flops or anything on my feet for 2 weeks... It certainly wasn't pretty.

At 11:37 AM, Blogger Sharpie said...

LBC - Only was scary standing there wearing a thong in front of someone I don't know. And the bright lights.....

At 2:51 PM, Blogger Heather said...

I've always wanted to try the spray tan thing, but never have. you have to tell us how it holds up!

Let me warn you - it is 94 degrees and humid as all shit down here. Heat index was 102 on Sunday.

I hope things go MUCH better than last year!

At 2:56 PM, Anonymous JayMonster said...

I trust you are not using the All-Star Resorts again... are you?

We just went and stayed at Port Orleans, which is sort of like two resorts in one, and even that was a bit much with the bus, I can't imagine having to stop at all three of those before heading on to the parks.

You seemed to have a Perfect Storm of events last time, I feel quite confident in prognosticating that you will have a less tramatizing experience this time 'round.

At 6:58 AM, Anonymous lala said...

"toe tag" white = brilliant


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