Funnier Than I Had Expected

Comedy Central's Bob Saget's Roast was, in a nutshell, fucking hilarious. There were many Olsen twin jokes, and REALLY who doesn't like Olsen twin jokes, am I right?

Here are the Top 10 Olsen Twin Jokes:

10. Jeffrey Ross: Is it true you used to give Mary-Kate acting lessons? He'd tell her, "Act like this never happened." She'd be like, "You got it, dude."

9. John Stamos: What a tough gig [America's Funniest Home Videos] must've been, huh? His entire job consisted of saying, "Take a look at this," which is what he used to say to Mary-Kate Olsen in her dressing room.

8. Brian Posehn: Jodie Sweetin's in the crowd. Remember her? Yeah. I can't point her out, but she's the "Full House" girl that isn't a crazy Christian or a vagina on a stick.

7. Jeffrey Ross: Actually, Mary-Kate and Ashley were supposed to be here tonight, but they heard there was gonna be food.

6. Susie Essman: Bob spends more times on his knees after a big audition than Mary-Kate does after a big meal.

5. Sarah Silverman: I heard that Bob Saget calls his balls "The Olsen twins." And that's actually-- I know for a fact that's not true, because he calls them Michelle.

4. Jeffrey Ross: "Full House" should've been called "Blackjack," 'cause he hit on the Olsens when they were eight. He didn't stop till they were 21.

3. Gilbert Gottfried: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen walk into a bar. They say to the bartender, "Give us two ass-hurts." The bartender says, "How do you make an ass hurt?" The Olsen twins say, "Well, Bob Saget hands you a chocolate milk that he just made, and you wake up three hours later lying on your stomach.

2. Jeff Garlin: The other day-- after all these years, I've never met the Olsen twins. He introduced me to them. I hadn't seen them since they were kids. I never met them. I said to him, "How do I tell them apart?" He says, "Ashley swallows."

1. Greg Giraldo: The Olsens are like Tom Green's testicles-- they look the same, but one is fake and empty inside, and the other one's been licked by Heath Ledger. It's-- he'd be cool with it, fuckers.


But, the funniest had to be from Cloris Leachman, the 82-year old Academy Award winning actress when she gave her roast. Seriously... she stole the show. Looking at this regal, accomplished woman, I had no idea that I would love Tivo so much because after her first joke I fell off the couch laughing and had to rewind. SO UNEXPECTED from this woman. I want to be her friend. I want to go have lunch with her. Seriously. I embedded two for you, but careful how high the volume is, there are some rude jokes. Don't say I didn't warn you. This is not her complete skit and I am disappointed in that, but it is still hilarious. ENJOY!

Who Knew?

That a few hours playing Wii Fit with the kids could be so painful.

Ouch.

Am sore as hell, I think it was all of the Hula Hooping.

On a bright note, I did much better in the Yoga exercises than I had expected earning 3 stars in all of them.

Off to find the Mineral Ice....

For The Love Of All That Is Genetic Predisposition

WHY is it that only ONE of my kids (Miss Thing) and not BOTH (poor Lil Man) have their father's metabolic genetic predisposition (which is to burn an entire package of Oreo's through sheer watching of TV) instead of mine which is to put on weight by simply thinking about it??

Because REALLY.... when he tells me (with tears in his eyes) that the entire time he was at his friend's Beach House he "sucked his stomach in so no one would say he was fat", I died a little. Really. My heart broke in a million different pieces for him.

Fat Genes... I spit in your general direction.

This morning, I woke up early and exercised with him, motivating and cheering him on the entire way. After a very healthy egg white omelet stuffed with turkey ham and cheese and a banana, all of us went for an invigorating walk around the neighborhood. He is very excited to be doing this and I need to do it with him. Because really, I don't think I can take anymore of his sad little tears...

Proud Mom Moment

Though I am really sad that I will not be winning that Hot Little Flip Video Camera (I am WAY behind in the polls*), I did have this wonderfully proud Mom Moment yesterday.

I sent Lil Man to his room to clean. It was a disaster. There were more things UNDER the bed than in the closet. Ugh.

After being in there an hour or so, he comes out with this long monkey, (the kind where you can wrap the arms and legs around you) with crazy fur and a black top hat pulled way down over it's head. He had added the top hat.

"Mom? Doesn't he look like Slash?"



(big grin) Yes, yes he does.

Awesome.

Something so satisfying about the fact that my 8-year old knows who the guitar player for Guns and Roses is. I love that I have imposed my love of hard rock into his thumbprint of being. The perks of being a Mother, indeed.

* If you feel bad for me, there is still time to go and vote!

GO VOTE FOR ME

Please? Pretty Please? I'll be your best friend??

The voting is open for the gorgeous Flip Video Camera prize at Jessica Knows, so PLEASE for the love of all that is cute little video cameras, go vote for my Scarves as the HOT new Trend for the Fall Season idea. Voting is done to the left in the sidebar!

Or vote for my sister, either way, I'd like to keep that hot little camera in the family.

Need more inspiration to go there? How about a few ways to tie said scarves?









Please, head over and vote, the polls are open only a short time! Did I mention I would BE YOUR BEST FRIEND???

Fall Fashion, Sharpie Style

While we were in Europe over the summer, I noted an amazing amount of women sporting a fashionable scarf with all types of styles. Being summer, the scarves were light and airy and there were many types of ways to wear them. I bought a few unsure if I would be hip or cool enough to pull them off. Yesterday I wore my silk scarf for the entire day in the house just to get used to the idea. I know DORK. I wore mine with a light knit sweater and jeans. Hubby and the kids both commented that it looked nice and I kinda liked it, like an alternative to a necklace or other accessory. AND I AM ALL ABOUT THE ACCESSORIES!!

I was kinda wishing I had bought more and then, I begin to see them EVERYWHERE! Walmart, Target and every other store you can think of has a selection right here in the states. Don't say I didn't warn you - these will be HOT this coming Fall Fashion.

Stock up now and then go vote at Jessica Knows so I can win my (*drooling*) prize, a gorgeous Flip Video Camera!!

My Best Preggo Assvice

As written to Miss Thing's Fourth Grade Teacher, (remember her?) in response to this email...

She is expecting her first child very soon.

"How was the trip? I spent the summer getting the house ready, taking a class and preparing for baby-- I think I am ready but then I talk to someone about it and then I second guess my self. Like you said it will all get done sooner or later."

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
There is no real way to prepare for a baby.

Don't listen to others - you'll find your way - we all do.

My best advice is this...

• When you feel you are doing everything wrong - you aren't - it is just our way of worrying over every little thing and having to care for and be in charge of a demanding little person. Do not be so hard on yourself.

• You WILL sleep again.

• You WILL have time for A) your husband, B) housework C) cooking etc - SOMEDAY - just not any day soon after the baby comes - AND IT IS OK.

• DO NOT BELIEVE all of the moms who tell you of their supermom abilities - they are full of crap. We all screw up, we all do dumb things and our kids will be fine. Mine may need extra therapy - but it is ok!

 •Have fun and enjoy each day. That beautiful baby head smell goes away and it replaced with eyeball rolling and Jonas Brothers posters on the walls.

Agent

While discussing the newly acquired quarterback for the New York Jets (crybaby Favre) at the dinner table, my kids were saddened by the fact that the old QB had been released and no longer on the team. After all, they had jerseys with his name. DH explained that it was part of the deal and now because they had a new Hall Of Fame player, he was released.

>Miss Thing - "What does released mean?"

Me - "Its a nice way to say fired."

DH - "NO! That's not right."

Me - "They told him to take his girlie Girl Scout arm and hit the road."

DH (deep sigh) - "NO! NO! That is not right. He had 6 other teams calling his agent."

Me - "Oh COME ON - Even I don't believe that. 6 teams?"

DH - "Yes, 6 teams - they all wanted him."

Me - "Why? Have they seen him play?"

DH (another deep sigh)

Miss Thing - "He has an AGENT???? I WANT AN AGENT!!"

Me - "An AGENT? I AM your AGENT."

Miss Thing - "You are?"

Me - "Yes. I do all the arrangements of your social appearances. I secure all of your favorite foods prepared just how you like them. I make sure you have all of the latest fashions and accessories. I get my bitch on when you need to be stuck up for. Matter of fact.... I AM ALL OF YOUR AGENTS!!!! (pointing to all three of them.)

DH - "Ya know, you aren't doing the best job as my agent. You're fired."

Regardless of his opinion, I am SO their AGENT. When is somebody gonna SHOW ME THE MONEY??

Of Which, I Talk About My "Issues"

I have had, on and off, for the last 5 years or so, major intestinal issues. I have gone and had a colonoscopy and while they cannot pinpoint a disease, they believe that I suffer from IBS.

It is horrible. The gas, immediate diarrhea and the bloating make you feel OH SO SEXY to be around. And it is embarrassing.

I have tried altering my diet and some things have helped like removing lactose from my diet or on the rare occasion, using Lac-Taid tablets. But, nothing has really made a huge difference.

My mother has become a huge fan of natural path remedies and reading and came across an article that said adding Pro-Biotics into one's diet can dramatically change the "issues". The only Pro-Biotics I had heard of were in yogurt and HELLO - I can't eat yogurt. But, she told me they have it in pill form.

Huh.

So, I picked some up and am taking them with my morning meal. I can't say all of "issues" have gone away, but I can honestly say I do feel - BETTER. I don't know if it is actually working or all in my head.

Has anyone else ever used these? I should note that the ones I picked are NOT associated with any diet supplements or weight loss pills - strickly Pro-Biotics bacterium.

I am so curious....

Another Reason Why I Love My Husband

My hubby had been gone all of last week, traveling to California for work related schooling. While Orange County sans children sounded like heaven on earth, he really DID NOT want to go. By himself. Without his family. But, the European trip is still largely looming on our credit cards along with two more grad school classes (come on student loans and kick in already) and it really was beyond not practical and fit squarely in the "Dumb Ass Idea" category.

So, off he went begrudgingly and sad to be without us. We have been married for 12 years, together since 1991. My husband doesn't KNOW how to, nor LIKE to, be alone. And, I get that. His absence from our house was unmistakable and though his 3:00AM calls to let me know he had indeed arrived safely back to his hotel were annoying, I missed him like crazy.

Saturday night LATE, me and the kids drove like the devil to pick him up from the airport and take him home where he rightfully belonged. He was glad to see us and the kids mobbed him and all his precious time for the next day. And left me alone thankyouverymuch!

Miss Thing had made him a surprise that hung on the door into the house. She had photoshopped a picture of my husband (his head really) onto another body and set it next to a picture of the Jonas Brothers. (You can do this on their website) And then wrote in magic marker - "Look it's the Jonas Brothers" And then had an arrow pointing to DH with "He's my favorite!" It was freaking hilarious and DH laughed out loud when we made him get out of the car and go look before we even pulled into the garage.

He brought the kids nice stuff from Cali, he always does. Some shirts and pins from Disney. He usually finds me a mug or a magnet, or sometimes a tee.

But, this trip, he brought me these...

A Fossil t-shirt...



And a Department 56 plaque....



Funny thing is, he doesn't know brands AT ALL. He didn't pick them because he thought I would like something from THAT store. He bought them because they were me, and he knew I would like them. He knows me. He gets me. I had know it for awhile - but, it was the first time I actually felt it. He's the best. And I love him to California and back. But, he doesn't get to leave again for awhile!

Weigh In - Week 31 (I Think)

EDITED: Because I didn't wait to the END of the week to post and it is really another pound - YIPPEE!!

I have kinda lost track because I have maintained the same weight, have no lost or gained in FOREVER!!


Here's the official weigh-in Weight Loss for Week 31....

3 POUNDS

Official weight loss Grand Total is 48 lbs in 31 weeks.

Now 12 more to go!

Slow and steady, I'm getting there.

When You Need A Little Reminder....

The other day my husband and I were sitting on our deck watching the kids frolic in the pool, splashing about, having a really great time. As I watched them haul themselves out of the pool and launch themselves back it a million times, I was struck by how much time has passed. They are really much closer to teens than toddlers or small children. It is so wonderful to see just the two kids getting along so well - no one else there to interfere. Miss Thing is starting to fill out and is graceful and beautiful and .....WTF...... OMG........ She is out of the pool grabbing at her crotch - obviously having to go to the bathroom, yet not wanting to miss the fun.

I YELL over..."Hey! Stop DOING that!"

She looks at me with the deer in the headlights look, absolutely NO idea what I am talking about. AND, she's STILL holding her cooch. "What?"

(Exasperated sigh) "Stop it! Why are you doing that - do you need to go to the bathroom??"

(Deer/headlights look continues) "Whaaaaaat?"

I realize all the splashing and pool fun are making it impossible to hear me.

(I have had a REALLY long day with work, hellish graduate classes and I am really short on fuse at this point in the day.) I BELLOW to get out of the pool and come CLOSER so I may speak to her.

She comes out, dripping wet, goggles at top her perfect little head and I begin to chastise her for grabbing at herself, citing her age and appropriateness of it and MY GOD girl, go to the bat....

Before I can finish, a large Monarch butterfly lands atop that perfect head and begins to flap it's wings. The sight was the funniest thing I have ever seen, especially considering the fact that this is my kid who is terrified of all insects.

I begin to giggle. She has no idea what the fuck is going on as one minute I was yelling at her and the next I am well on my way to seizures on the deck, crumpled in laughter. She blankly looks at my husband, who is watching me and now beginning to laugh.

I am choking on my own laughter, tears rolling down my face, and the look of confusion on HER face was all that much funnier. I doubled over, unable to speak, let alone continue the tirade I had. AND STILL, the monarch was perched atop her head, slowly flapping its big orange and black wings, which sent me over the edge to barely able to breathe.

DH looked at Miss Thing and said, "Go to the bathroom. Your mother is crazy."

Which only made me laugh HARDER.

She walked past us and the butterfly flew away and I cackled more.

After she had past, DH said, "I am TOTALLY laughing AT YOU, ya know."

And I did know. And I didn't care. Thank you, God for reminding me to laugh. I had nearly forgotten.

I wish that I had taken a picture of the butterfly on her head for you all to see...

One Of My Favorite Blogs

Edited: Because I suck OUT LOUD, I STINK LIKE A DEAD FISH (as we used to say as kids) and neglected to add Molly Wendland, aka Tacky Princess to my post. MY BAD girl - no offense and I am truly sorry!!

One of my favorite blogs is a blog called White Trash Mom. It is more of a lifestyle to adopt, not a person... a persona. I relate to her in so many ways. She works, she cooks, she cleans, she even volunteers. Ok, so - I am NOT like her in the volunteering part... But, I GET her.

Perhaps it is the self deprecating manner that I relate to so well, when the authors tell of their Fakin It At The Bake Sale, essentially making a store bought item look like she spent all day slaving over a hot oven. My type of lady.

Maybe it is her minivan....

Or perhaps it is the many moments in their lives that they share, the GOOD, the BAD, and the UGLY - about themselves, their kids and the the dreaded Muffia - those PTO Moms that make it their life mission to make us REAL Moms feel badly about ourselves by never failing to point out the many ways in which they are superior. Michelle Lamar and Molly Wendland, authors of the blog, remind us Moms that it is OK to be our imperfect selves with humor, class and a lot of red wine.

And why all of the much deserved accolades you ask??



The White Trash Mom Handbook is set to hit bookshelves August 5th. Yes, they made a handbook for the rest of us! Go to www.whitetrashmombook.com to read the rave reviews, bios and order yourself a copy. The White Trash Mom Handbook is being compared to The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy for those of us with school age kids. A necessity akin to coffee in the morning. A godsend, really.

Need another reason to buy this awesome book??

Not Winning Mother of the Year is listed in the book under the section White Trash Mom's Favorite Blogs and Websites. YES! How friggin cool is that? I am truly honored, and probably undeserving of their praise. But, they like me, damn it - and that's all that matters.

So, go support fellow Moms, bloggers and all around great people. I promise, you won't be disappointed. Go buy the book. Visit their blog, laugh, cry and find a kindred spirit. Don't forget the wine and tell them Sharpie sent you.