August 27, 2008

Funnier Than I Had Expected

Comedy Central's Bob Saget's Roast was, in a nutshell, fucking hilarious. There were many Olsen twin jokes, and REALLY who doesn't like Olsen twin jokes, am I right?

Here are the Top 10 Olsen Twin Jokes:

10. Jeffrey Ross: Is it true you used to give Mary-Kate acting lessons? He'd tell her, "Act like this never happened." She'd be like, "You got it, dude."

9. John Stamos: What a tough gig [America's Funniest Home Videos] must've been, huh? His entire job consisted of saying, "Take a look at this," which is what he used to say to Mary-Kate Olsen in her dressing room.

8. Brian Posehn: Jodie Sweetin's in the crowd. Remember her? Yeah. I can't point her out, but she's the "Full House" girl that isn't a crazy Christian or a vagina on a stick.

7. Jeffrey Ross: Actually, Mary-Kate and Ashley were supposed to be here tonight, but they heard there was gonna be food.

6. Susie Essman: Bob spends more times on his knees after a big audition than Mary-Kate does after a big meal.

5. Sarah Silverman: I heard that Bob Saget calls his balls "The Olsen twins." And that's actually-- I know for a fact that's not true, because he calls them Michelle.

4. Jeffrey Ross: "Full House" should've been called "Blackjack," 'cause he hit on the Olsens when they were eight. He didn't stop till they were 21.

3. Gilbert Gottfried: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen walk into a bar. They say to the bartender, "Give us two ass-hurts." The bartender says, "How do you make an ass hurt?" The Olsen twins say, "Well, Bob Saget hands you a chocolate milk that he just made, and you wake up three hours later lying on your stomach.

2. Jeff Garlin: The other day-- after all these years, I've never met the Olsen twins. He introduced me to them. I hadn't seen them since they were kids. I never met them. I said to him, "How do I tell them apart?" He says, "Ashley swallows."

1. Greg Giraldo: The Olsens are like Tom Green's testicles-- they look the same, but one is fake and empty inside, and the other one's been licked by Heath Ledger. It's-- he'd be cool with it, fuckers.

But, the funniest had to be from Cloris Leachman, the 82-year old Academy Award winning actress when she gave her roast. Seriously... she stole the show. Looking at this regal, accomplished woman, I had no idea that I would love Tivo so much because after her first joke I fell off the couch laughing and had to rewind. SO UNEXPECTED from this woman. I want to be her friend. I want to go have lunch with her. Seriously. I embedded two for you, but careful how high the volume is, there are some rude jokes. Don't say I didn't warn you. This is not her complete skit and I am disappointed in that, but it is still hilarious. ENJOY!


At 10:21 AM, Blogger bobbi said...

Cloris Leachman was my FAVORITE part of the entire (histerical) roast. I think you nailed it when you called it unexpected - I just didn't expect it from her, which made it all that much more funny! And the kiss with her and Stamos - fantastic!

At 2:37 PM, Anonymous JayMonster said...

I didn't tape this because, honestly I never found Saget all that funny. But after returning from vacation, and seeing the commercials with Cloris Leachman, I completely regretted not seeing it, so now I am anxiously awaiting the rerun.

At 4:51 PM, Blogger Heather said...

Sh!t!! Meant to tape it. Will hunt for reruns...Hilarious!

At 8:02 AM, Blogger ThatDeborahGirl said...

Chloris Leachman Rocks. She deserved every second of her Stamos kiss.

At 1:43 PM, Blogger Penny Karma said...

Isn't Cloris fantastic? And she's aged so beautifully. too.

I want to make my husband reverse his vasectomy so he can give me daughter named Cloris.


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