Weigh In - Week 16

Here's the official weigh-in Weight Loss for Week 16....

1 pounds

Official weight loss total is 34 lbs in 16 weeks.

Now 26 more to go.

Just squeaking by, by still losing it. Seems to take longer to come off now. I guess I just have to be patient. But damn, I am so NOT the patient type!

Happy 8th Birthday Lil Man!

It is hard to believe that 8 years ago I had no idea how much you would change my life. I had no idea what I was going to do with a boy but, you stole my heart from the first time I saw all 10 lbs of you! You always were a Mama's Boy and I loved every minute of it. Even now when you creep up to me and smother me with hugs and much love - I still love every minute of it.

Over the past year, you have grown so much in so many ways. You have grown nearly a foot and and speaking of FEET - for the love of Pete, will you please tell them to stop growing so we can get our money's worth from those sneakers.

You are doing so well in school. Though you wouldn't think so. You got all A's and B's - but the only thing you focus on was that C in handwriting. Considering how the doctors write - I think it shows how smart you are. ;-) And no matter how much I tell you it doesn't matter - it isn't even a real subject - you can't stop beating yourself up over it. I know it will improve over time Lil Man - I'm not worried about it at all. You are so sensitive and so very hard on yourself - it breaks my heart. I wish you had some confidence. I wish you knew how handsome you are. With those big beautiful brown eyes, you look more and more like your Daddy every day. I wish you knew how kind, sweet and special you are. You always pay others unsolicited compliments simply to make them happy. You are always respectful, helpful and try to please everyone around you. I wish you knew that too. But, you don't. No matter how many times I tell you so. You confided in me that you have "bad thoughts" in your head about yourself and that the counselor at school suggested "throwing them out" after writing them on paper. So, every time you think you aren't "good enough" - you do just that. God, that hurts my heart and soul.

Because you are what every mother dreams of having. You are the most special boy in the entire world and I am so proud that you are my son! I love you more than you will ever know. You are my heart, Lil Man. And I love you.

Don't worry, Mommy and Daddy are here for you and we'll work really hard to always make you feel safe, special and loved. I will work tirelessly to ensure that little boy inside has the confidence to be everything he wants to be on the outside. This I promise you.

Love, Mommy

Weigh In - Week 15

Here's the official weigh-in Weight Loss for Week 15....

Edited to 2 pounds - because I did actually lose 1 pound last week - but, forgive me because I suck at Math.

2 pounds

Official weight loss total is 33 lbs in 15 weeks.

Now 27 more to go.

Yay! for breaking the plateau! I thank you all for your advice to just stick to it and keep moving forward. I also upped my free weight usage and have been pounding out the Biggest Loser exercises at least 4 times a week. You'd think I would be proficient at them by now, but no. In other news, the Leg Master torture machine is TOTALLY working and actually getting easier to do. I wish I would have done measurements on myself to know exactly how much I have lost, but I can tell you A LOT. Well work the $120 if you have a thigh issue like me.

To all of you jumping on my bandwagon with me - GOOD!!! I am so happy and proud to have each and every one of you right by my side to walk back up the hill. Off to the elliptical!

Verbatim

So, I walk into my class last night and notice that it has grown by one student. A very tall, strange looking student with a mile high afro and he's whiter than me.

So, I say nonchalantly, "Well, I see we've grown by one."

No one says anything. Not the Too Much Hair Boy, nor the student sitting next to him, which is the one who brought him since I saw them walking together.

Too Much Hair proceeds to make a phone call, listen to his iPod LOUDLY and talk OVER the iPod while on as I begin the lecture of the night.

I turn to student and say "PLEASE tell me who your guest in MY class is."

She shrugs and says, "Oh he's my boyfriend."

"OK, then." Silently, I wonder why. He is barefoot in overalls without a shirt and obviously a bit of a stoner.

No asking permission. No trying to be polite and get on my good side. Just nothing. Alrighty, then.

We proceed with critiques of their current projects and then they are to work in class. Too Much Hair Boy taps, hums, talks way TOO LOUDLY, begs the girlfriend to go get food.

I am shocked by the audacity. Why did she bring him, seriously. After an hour, I am ready to blow my stack and she abruptly asks (perhaps she smelled my head about to erupt) if they can leave class early, begging off the fact that all of her supplies are at home.

"Please, feel free."

Too Much Hair Boy says, "Thank you. I Love You."

Sarcastically I reply, "I bet you say that to all the teachers."

He replies, and I quote..... "I say it to everyone. I'm like Jesus."

Yep. Like Jesus. And I am so going to hell.

I See Her Sometimes

"Ya know what I want right now?"

(Knowing full right well, it was a food item at 11 o'clock at night and I was not moving out of the warmth of my bed)

"What?"

"Pastries. Nice. Italian. Pastries."

"Forget it and go to sleep. Do you know how many calories are in those?"

(Silence for over a minute, I am lightly dozing in the crook of his arm."

"I miss the Fat Sharpie."

HA HA Ha Ha Ha. ha. I laughed along with him. Though, I will admit it stung a little bit.

Well, there it was. The confirmation I had never heard in the years I THOUGHT I was fat, but he always disagreed. He was not being hurtful. Quite the contrary. He was giving me a compliment. I was NO LONGER fat. Perhaps a bit overweight still or more like a girl with PROBLEM areas (hips, thighs, ass).

But, I knew what he meant. I missed her sometimes too. Like when we all piled in the car over the weekend for a family outing to Dairy Queen, the local ice cream shop and silently watched them eat their ice cream. Don't get me wrong, if I WANTED it, I would have eaten it. But, I didn't WANT it. I knew it would take me hundreds of calories off my day and after the workouts I've been pulling out - there is NO WAY I'm eating it. I enjoyed them enjoying their ice cream. Seriously. I was not there brooding. But, THEY feel guilty. I miss the Sharpie that would have chowed down with them.

But.

I admit that I have actually seen the girl that hides beneath all the extra pounds. Just a glimpse of her now and then as the pounds slide away. Sometimes, when I walk by the mirror I am startled because I haven't seen her in so long. I see her when I shave my legs and realize that "My Gosh" my legs really are much thinner - less to shave. I've seen her in my closet when I put something on that actually fits that hasn't in a long, long time. Or, when I put on my favorite jeans only to realize they are a bit too big, and now need a belt.

I am happy to see her again. She is the true physical image of how I feel (or used to feel) on the inside. She fits so much better than the Fat Sharpie. She is more confident, sexy, and secure. And I have missed her. I sometimes wonder why she went away for so long, hiding behind all that weight. God knows, she wasn't happy. I sometimes wonder why she has chosen to soothe herself with smokes and food, instead of loving herself enough to JUST FUCKING STOP WITH THE EATING ALREADY! Maybe because it was easier to keep going than to have to turn around and go back up the hill.

I'm happy that I see her sometimes. It makes me realize that I am half way back up the hill. And half way is a whole lot better than staring at the hill from the bottom.

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Weigh In Week 14

1 pound.

Total weight loss is 31 lbs in 14 weeks.

29 more to go.

Weigh In - Week 13

Here's the official weigh-in Weight Loss for Week 13....

0 pounds, yep Zip Zilch Nada

Official weight loss total is 30 lbs in 13 weeks.

Still 30 more to go.

I have hit a wall despite my continued diet and my increasing exercise to an hour a day, 5 days a week. I am certain it doesn't help that I am so damned depressed. I have been trying to get outside and get some fresh air. And I bought a weighted walk vest at Wal**Mart. It's a Gold's Gym brand that comes with 20 pounds of weights. I thought I would be able to use all of those, but HELL. FREAKING. NO. I put in 8 pounds and it is killer heavy!

*sigh*

I am in a funk.

I believe that may be the understatement of the year.

I have been a babbling mess. I need to stop answering the phone until I can get it together. I am worrying people.

Work, in particular the lack of it, is making me nervous. When you work for yourself, no work = no money.

I am letting my mind wander to dark places and choices I just do not want to do. The thought of going back to a corporate job.... I cannot even finish that sentence.

So.

I need to buck up. Or fuck off.

I am officially trying to "shake it off".

I am sending out the good vibes to the Universe.

"Hey Universe.... Yeah, you Karma.... *bats eyelashes, wiggles ass* I am visualizing a ton of work hitting my desk. So, bring it!"

Weigh In - Week 12

Here's the official weigh-in Weight Loss for Week 12....

1 pound

Official weight loss total is 30 lbs in 12 weeks.

Only 30 more to go.

I made it to the half way point. 30 pounds is the most weight I have ever lost besides when I was pregnant. Well, not pregnant, but after the baby was born. I can hardly believe it. I can see the surprise in people's faces, though they rarely say anything to me. Why is that? Are they afraid to say, "Wow, you were really a fat ass... and now...not so much." Say it people - say it!!!!

No Longer Feeling Bad About 36

Yesterday, shortly after I had posted my pathetic pity party for myself, I received a phone call from a neighbor to tell me the awful news. A little girl in 2nd grade at my son's school, the same grade my Lil Man is in, had died over the weekend. She had come down with high fever and they called it influenza. Apparently over 4 days it got much, much worse. She died on Sunday night.

She was seven. Seven.

I cannot imagine what the poor parents are going through as it was completely unexpected. I cannot imagine coming home from the hospital without my child. Please say a prayer for them. I think they need as many as possible.