I See Her Sometimes

"Ya know what I want right now?"

(Knowing full right well, it was a food item at 11 o'clock at night and I was not moving out of the warmth of my bed)

"What?"

"Pastries. Nice. Italian. Pastries."

"Forget it and go to sleep. Do you know how many calories are in those?"

(Silence for over a minute, I am lightly dozing in the crook of his arm."

"I miss the Fat Sharpie."

HA HA Ha Ha Ha. ha. I laughed along with him. Though, I will admit it stung a little bit.

Well, there it was. The confirmation I had never heard in the years I THOUGHT I was fat, but he always disagreed. He was not being hurtful. Quite the contrary. He was giving me a compliment. I was NO LONGER fat. Perhaps a bit overweight still or more like a girl with PROBLEM areas (hips, thighs, ass).

But, I knew what he meant. I missed her sometimes too. Like when we all piled in the car over the weekend for a family outing to Dairy Queen, the local ice cream shop and silently watched them eat their ice cream. Don't get me wrong, if I WANTED it, I would have eaten it. But, I didn't WANT it. I knew it would take me hundreds of calories off my day and after the workouts I've been pulling out - there is NO WAY I'm eating it. I enjoyed them enjoying their ice cream. Seriously. I was not there brooding. But, THEY feel guilty. I miss the Sharpie that would have chowed down with them.

But.

I admit that I have actually seen the girl that hides beneath all the extra pounds. Just a glimpse of her now and then as the pounds slide away. Sometimes, when I walk by the mirror I am startled because I haven't seen her in so long. I see her when I shave my legs and realize that "My Gosh" my legs really are much thinner - less to shave. I've seen her in my closet when I put something on that actually fits that hasn't in a long, long time. Or, when I put on my favorite jeans only to realize they are a bit too big, and now need a belt.

I am happy to see her again. She is the true physical image of how I feel (or used to feel) on the inside. She fits so much better than the Fat Sharpie. She is more confident, sexy, and secure. And I have missed her. I sometimes wonder why she went away for so long, hiding behind all that weight. God knows, she wasn't happy. I sometimes wonder why she has chosen to soothe herself with smokes and food, instead of loving herself enough to JUST FUCKING STOP WITH THE EATING ALREADY! Maybe because it was easier to keep going than to have to turn around and go back up the hill.

I'm happy that I see her sometimes. It makes me realize that I am half way back up the hill. And half way is a whole lot better than staring at the hill from the bottom.

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Weigh In Week 14

1 pound.

Total weight loss is 31 lbs in 14 weeks.

29 more to go.