October 31, 2007

Happy Door To Door Begging

As my father would call it. You probably refer to it as Halloween. But I grew up in a weird ass family - so, there you go!

I give you obligatory pictures of the kids in costume. I had many opportunities to capture these as we have had: a halloween party, a visit to each of the grandparents and a halloween parade for school.

Luke, I am Your Father. Complete with heavy breathing apparatus that attaches to the inside of the mask. That way he doesn't hyperventilate while trick-or-treating. Yeah, he went Old School.

Super Hot Pink SuperGirl. Complete with bitchy attitude and a penchant for always believing that no matter how much more experience her mother might have in the hair/clothes/makeup department, that she is in fact a complete and total asshole. She doesn't actually say that, it is well understood with her super power Bitch Face Look. Thank God she's so damn cute!

Happy Halloween Everyone!

October 29, 2007

More Pumpkins Than One Family Should

We are the type of family, that on any given year, has anywhere from two to four pumpkins in various stages of decorated. Some are carved. Some have googly eyes and paint. Some have pipe cleaners and other have stickers. One thing is for sure, they are all most fabulous.

THIS Year...OY....we have 9! NINE! Fully decorated and/or carved pumpkins in our possession.

Take a look will you....

These are of the Carved Variety. They are directly from the pattern book and yes, they did bring on a serious bout of carpal tunnel.

I give you a Haunted Tree and a Boo Ghost.

Also, of the carved variety. I give you a Miss Thing Original (I don't need no stinking pattern) and an alien.

A pumpkin decorated at a Halloween Party by Lil Man. The ribbon was for the Creepiest Costume and his pumpkin won for being the Angriest. Why, yes, it does look quite pissed off.

These pumpkins were created in school and participated in the town wide Pumpkin Festival...which...can YOU SEE IT???? Lil Man scored a ribbon for 5th place for his rendition of a Pumpkin Ghost. Miss Thing's is a Pumpkin Princess. (I LURVE her lips!)

These pumpkins were created in upstate New York at Oktoberfest - and yes, the KIDS made them. Sheesh. Fun and fall festive I say!

The talent is endless at Chez Sharpie, no?

October 24, 2007

Halloween - More Candy, Less Guilt

madhotmama asks:
"I am taking classes right now for nursing school (pre reqs) and my class falls on Halloween. I had planned on not going at all, but have a test that following Monday. My mother has offered to take him for me, after I do the trick or treating thing for the first hour then head to class. Does that sound reasonable, or am I a horrible mother??"

First off, let me tell you that I have absolutely every year taken my kids out Trick or Treating up and down the neighborhood, flashlight in hand, gleefully carrying 20 lbs of candy for them because they just can't drag it behind them anymore - EXCEPT THIS YEAR. This year, the Ad. Design class I teach at the college falls on Halloween. Did I feel guilty? Did I first think of perhaps canceling class? Yes. And Yes.

But then, reality is what it is. We have obligations. And sometimes life is not all about the kids. You are taking a class to better your life and the life of your family. Obviously that is MUCH more important than a few more snickers bars no? So, are you a horrible mother? No. Scratch that... Hell fucking NO. It's not like you cancelled Halloween or made the kid dress up like Elvis. And seriously... you can do MAJOR damage in an hour of Trick or Treating. The kids RUN from door to door. Your bag will more than be full when you let him loose on Grandma with his sugar high.

We have responsibilities. And they include our children along with all other aspects of our lives. I think you will be sending your son a much stronger value message if you go to class rather than if you blow it off. At least that is the conclusion I am telling myself.

Also, Moms...can we talk?

Can we all agree to just get rid of the following....

1. Feeling the need to HAVE to create homemade costumes in order to be a good mother. (yes, I have made costumes for my kids because they begged and pleaded and really - they wore it ONE DAY. I stressed myself out and probably spent more than if I just ordered it from a catalog.)

2. Goodie bags in the classroom filled with 15 color changes in the Haunted House chocolate lollipops. STOP IT.

3. Halloween parties in which I have to do any of the following: bring a pumpkin to decorate, bring items to decorate said pumpkin, wear a stupid costume myself, try not to tell you how stupid you look in your costume.

4. Any pumpkin, spider or halloween decorated cupcakes for the classroom with a bunch of gross candy NO ONE WILL EAT - yes, they look cute - but kids don't give a shit - you spent 10 hours of your life you will NEVER get back only to watch all the little bastards wrinkle up their noses while picking off black licorice as if it were their brother's boogers. STOP IT!

October 23, 2007

Dear Sharpie....

Like Dear Abby only WAY bitchier. And I promise not to mention decoupage ever.

Anonymous writes:

"Will you take a question in the form of me fishing for help? :) I need to tell my parents I'm knocked up. They'll be thrilled but I want to do it over Thanksgiving in some sort of creative way. Like giving them Grandma and Grandpa t-shirts but somehow kicking it up a notch. Any ideas?"

Dear Anonymous - I assume by saying that your parents will be thrilled that this is A) happy, joyous well planned event B) your parents do not have any heart conditions C) look to spice up Thanksgiving dinner! Excellent on all of the above. Congrats from me! Write me back in about 9 years when you read over the green sheet questionnaire from the school's guidance counselor about Self Esteem and read your daughter's answer to "What is your personal self esteem boost mantra?" that reads...and I quote..."Better you than me."

Yes, it did.

But, I digress. On to you. My first inclination is to tell you to go all Molly Ringwald on their asses and say nonchalantly "I'm pregnant, pass the turnips." But this reference may be lost of those younger (or older) than the Brat Pack era.

So, here are a few ideas...

- Come up with an original placecard holder for the dinner table. Perhaps a baby bootie for Grandma and Grandpa with those names for their seats.

- Buy a baby picture frame and write "Hi Grandma and Grandpa - Can't wait to see you March! (insert due date here). Wrap the frame and leave it on their plate.

- Come up with a new form of Grace. "Lord thank you for this bountiful meal. But mostly thank you for allowing us to share it with all of our family - name them and lastly add and the newest little addition Baby Bean."

- Have flowers and a baby balloon sent to the Thanksgiving Day house addressed to your Mom and Dad.

- Stuff a pacifer in the turkey (after you cook it) and make sure they are the ones digging in.

- Set an extra place setting equipped with bottle, bib and pacifier.

Feel free to modify those any which was you like. Make it your own personal spin. Congrats and let me know how it all turns out!

Now, for the rest of you - feel free to send Dear Sharpie questions. What's funny is I have done this role in real life forever - and rather enjoy it. So, send in your questions!

October 18, 2007

You Want The Truth?? You Can't Handle The Truth...

God, I love that scene in the movie, don't you?

Ok, you asked - I'm answering.

Here goes....

Heather asks: What's your favorite drink when you want to relax? Favorite food? Where would you go on vacation if you could go anywhere? Who are you going to vote for next November?

Favorite drink - Cosmo-fuckin-politan.
Favorite food - Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby Ice Cream
Vacation - On any island - in the sun - next to the ocean.
Election? - I don't vote. Period. And, I don't apologize for it either.

Chris asks: When was the first moment it hit you "OMG. I AM mom?"

I think exactly 10 seconds after I was discharged from the hospital and I realized "Holy Fucking Shit - I have exactly NO Clue how to do this. And then again when I couldn't get the car seat in right in the hospital parking lot and then again as we were driving away - as I was sure they would realize their mistake and take her away from me because I had absolutely no idea what to do with a baby. And pretty much every moment of every day until last week. Now it's like twice a week....

My dearest sister asks - Have you thought of doing some volunteer/charity project? Like your Great American Bake Sale from the other year????

Sure. I have THOUGHT about it and that seems to be as far a I've gotten. Lately I have been working on a personal project - a not-for-profit organization that I have created and hope some day to see come to fruition. I actually even have some impressive people wanting to help me get some grant money to get it off the ground. Alas, I am not ready - emotionally, physically, financially or even have enough time to dedicate to it. But, its there - secretly calling to me to finish what I started. I wish I could tell you all more - but its top secret at the moment.

Now, bring on more questions!


I still got nothing.

Chris tried to help by asking what was my worst kiss and my best kiss. Honestly, I have no idea. Probably because I am not much of a "kisser connoisseur" as in I really don't like to be touched, which stems from my early childhood drama, and really, ew the germs. I love to kiss my hubby - he is a wonderful kisser. But, as far as the bad - I think I must have blocked them all out.

In this vein, I think I will open up the "inspiration station" to all of you. Go on, ask me anything.....

October 11, 2007

Seeking Some

Inspiration. Of any kind. Creative. Motivational. Spiritual.

I am seriously lacking in the inspirational department. I am slow moving, not able to get out of my own way. I have no motivation, direction, or inspiration to do anything.

Anyone have any?

October 08, 2007

She Shoots.......


Miss Thing scored her very first goal on Sunday against the best team in the league. At this point, the U-11 league is very competitive, with girls ranging from 8 - 11.

Being in the right position proved key and she launched a kick toward the goalie (who would not allow another goal for the rest of the game) and in it went. She threw her arms up in the air and her teammates gathered around her for high fives! It was awesome!

She was the only one on her team to score! It didn't even matter that they lost, her smile never lost her face.

Way to go Miss Thing - I knew you could do it!!

October 05, 2007

Oh. My. Hell.


I started a new graduate class.

I submitted a proposal that took 3 days to complete. This proposal was supposed to be the outline for the entire class.

I completely misread what I was supposed to do.

I had exactly 6 hours to come up with a net new idea and do the 3 days of work in that time and resubmit.

I did it.

I suck.


I ran over a kitten last night that darted out in front of my truck.


I super suck.

If anyone needs me, I'll be rocking in the corner, waiting until 5:00 to pick up Miss Thing from her First Official School Dance.


October 01, 2007

Carnival Fish

Sounds like something in the frozen food isle, no? No.

We recently went to the annual town carnival and fair. It consisted of 6 or 7 quickly and loosely constructed rides with the all important ride operators. Ride operators = mullets, mustaches and cigarettes and many missing teeth where I come from. Is that a universal? Are they the SAME people all over?

Anywho, $20 bucks gets you a ride wristband and all the whirling from those seven rides you can stand. Times 2. Forty Dollars. To ride inadequately erected and maintained rides. Count me in.

After the tenth time on the Mind Eraser, Lil Man had spotted the Win A Goldfish game. Simply slap down your two dollars, throw a extra springy ping-pong ball into a teeny-tiny glass bowl and the fish at the bottom of the 2 inches of dirty water in the cooler IS ALL YOURS!! Hey - what a bargain! They even give you 4 balls to try! I HATE these rip-off games and loathe parting with my hard earned money for a poorly sewn together stuffed dog. BUT these were REAL fish. And hey, who doesn't like to see themselves walking back to the car with a plastic bag full of water and a goldfish, right?

Six dollars later, we brought home two fish. Lil Man was grinning ear to ear. Lover of all animals was SO EXCITED!!

As I threw them into the tank at home, I noticed some "issues" with the cooler fish. The bigger of the fish had a large hunk out of his head. How I had not noticed that by the light of the rides, I'll never know. The other smaller fish seemed to have some swimming issues. More specifically, he looked to be listing to one side.

We have had many fish in the years we have owned a fish tank and the one thing that I have learned is a large hunk out of one's head and listing to one's side does not make for a long life in the Chez Sharpie tank.

Great. I knew that it was not long before we had another burial at sea complete with Lil Man's tearful goodbyes.

Fish with Hunk Out Of Head lasted exactly 3 days. He was found stuck to the filter and a completely different color than the one he came to our house with. Listing Fish #2 was last seen floating on his side riding the wave of the current around and around. We have had two burials at sea with the family gathered around the toilet while Lil Man gives his eulogy and DH and I try HARD not to laugh out loud while he tells them to "go - be free". Flush. Amen.

I guess it is better than the time he told them to "go swim to Jesus" and DH and I had to leave the room faking tears and slapping each other to stop before he knew we were laughing at the fact that we have a septic tank and the only thing he would be swimming with was our poop.

Next time we go to the carnival, I'm letting him throw the darts and win the half-stuffed crab. Even if it costs me 20 bucks.