April 30, 2007

Mr. Smooth (Or Is It Schmooze?)

Saturday was Lil Man's birthday and turning the Big 7 was absolutely all he could talk about. There was the Laser Tag birthday party for friends ON. HIS. ACTUAL. BIRTHDAY!!!! (he was SO pumped about that particular fact) immediately followed by the family party. There were 2 cakes, goodie boxes filled with Animal Stuff, presents galore and more sweat and blooming testosterone than I have ever seen in my life.

Ensuring that this is THE BEST WEEK EVER!! a field trip the Friday before his party to his favorite Science Museum for school. I did not sign up to chaperone - because I have already done my time THANK.YOU.VERY.MUCH. and would rather scoop my own eyeballs out with a melon baller than ride the bus again.

Friday night, feverishly decorating cakes, phone rings...

Me - "Hello?"

Lil Man's Friend Alex's Mom - "Hi Sharpie - yes Hi - I, um, remember when I told you that I really sucked at calling to RSVP and then I did it right away - and well, now I can't find the invitation and I have no idea when the party is tomorrow."

Me - "Oh good - I thought you were calling to cancel - it's at 11:00."
I like this Mom - she sucks at the Mom thing too - so we can TOTALLY hang.

- "Well, to be honest - I had threatened my little monster that he was not going to be able to come - he's been SO BAD. And I had actually told him he couldn't go and then..... well, and then I went into school for the field trip."

My heart is racing - Oh God - is she going to tell me my Lil Man has NO friends and she felt so bad that she was now going to let him come.... He is different, after all.

Me - "Oh? Why?"

Her - "Well...I walked in and Lil Man came right up to me - looked me up and down and said "You look really Beautiful today!" And so I was so well - I felt so special - he was so sweet I decided right then Alex had to go. "

Me chuckling - "Yes Lil Man is always saying really sweet things. He just does that - out of the blue."

Her - "Yes I felt REALLY special....that was, until the other mom showed up and he walked right up to her and said the exact same thing to her."

Me laughing uncontrollably - "WHAT?! He did it to BOTH of you - what was he doing schmoozing the moms on the field trip - ensuring he wasn't being left behind???"

She is laughing too - "I guess so. He sure is going to go far in life with that quality already so developed."

I got off the phone laughing and found Lil Man lying on the floor watching TV with DH.

Me - "Did you schmooze the moms on the field trip today?"

I quickly catch DH up on the conversation with Alex's Mom.

Lil Man
- "What?? They DID look beautiful!"

I eyeball him with the Mom-Knows-All-Look...

Lil Man - big sigh... "Ok - ONE looked really nice, but I didn't want to make the other one feel bad, so I said it to her too."

That's my Lil Man, learning the ways to a woman's heart. He doesn't even need to be the cutest or the smartest or the funniest - he'll STILL have all the ladies.

UPDATED TO ADD: At the party the same Mom comes and tells me that while she's in the shower getting ready for the party, her son comes in to yell to her to PLEASE TRY to look EXTRA fancy for the party. She explains that it is a Laser Tag party and that they have outside chores to do today and why in God's name does she have to look EXTRA FANCY? His reply....

"It's Lil Man's party and I would like you to look nice. He thinks you're pretty - so you should look extra fancy."

There you have it folks - my Lil Player working his magic at 7 years old.... Oh God, what am I in for????

April 26, 2007

Where I Get My Sense of Humor (Or Is It Sarcasm?)

After a particularly trying afternoon with children helping with homework, making dinner, cleaning, sweeping, refereeing their outdoor obstacle course - I was not liking my children all that much. I decided to get a reality check.

Dial parents - father answers.

Me - "Hey Dad... Did you stop having kids after two because there were just some days that... I don't know, you just didn't like us very much?"

Dad - "I still have those days - even right now."

Nice. I laughed. He laughed.

Thanks, that's all I needed to know.

April 25, 2007


I am seriously lacking time and energy to devote to this blog at the moment - so I give you the most interesting search engine inquiries that have brought people to this site.

1. What does alibi mean? (2 people were asking)
If you have to ask - you probably do not need one.

2. Satin Ballero Jacket
Wow. Just say no.

3. How to build an ark?
I do not believe this has been recreated since Noah - but I'll look into it....

4. "my music's so loud"
You have missed the boat (ark) and that song has already been shelved.

5. Nasty Booties
What? I know you aren't talking about me..........

6. assssssssssssssssssssssssssss (4x)
Do #5 and #6 go together????

7. Mom of the year graphic
I am not sure what in hell a Mom of the Year looks like - as it certainly is not me...

8. Mother of the acceptance speech & how to win mother of the year award
The first thing you should do is STOP trying to win an award that does exist. The best trophy you can get is beautiful, healthy children who love you. Stop already.

9. Good looking Gyno in Palm Beach
THIS is a prerequisite? Cuz honestly my gyno is old, bald and overweight - JUST the way I want the person who is staring at my VaJayJay to look.

10. window lickers
Still funny.

11. Pig Cupcakes
I have no idea - but please do yourself a favor and buy cupcakes at Costco like the rest of us. You're just trying to make us look bad.

12. My mother is a pyscho bitch
Are there any who aren't?

13. 1st day of kindergarten Goodbye Mom
Oh honey, I'm sorry - it is hard for like ------- oh 30 seconds and then you realize you are ALONE and its QUIET and well - it all gets better after that.

14. 7 yr old swearing and disrespectful
I can't stress this enough. BEAT.HIS.ASS. It will correct the problem.

15. Hand gesture for flatterer
I only know a few hand gestures - and this is not one of them.

16. How do you know when hamsters are really dead?
I am going to go out on a limb here and say if the non-movement and stink haven't helped you decide - poke it with a stick.

17. Russian dwarf hamster busted eye
I guess it wasn't dead after all, huh?

18. Really, really funny hamsters
Sorry I only know really funny hamsters - not really, really funny hamsters.

19. Hamster brought back from the dead
Was it in the Pet Sematary - cuz now you own it - and well, it won't be pretty.

20. What do you think about Pandora bracelets?
Well, I think that they are great. But what do YOU think? Is this how people decide to buy jewelry?

Must run - there is much to do with work, school, and Lil Man's Birthday Party.
my music's so louddddddddddddddddd

April 24, 2007

To The Woman At The Car Dealership

I am not sure that you know this - BUT...
There IS such a thing as TOO MUCH leopard print.

I see what you were going for - looking cool in your leopard skin-tight dress. But good golly, Miss Molly, the 3 inch leopard pumps, leopard watch and necklace MAY have been over the top.

A good rule of thumb is to wear ONE leopard print item at a time.

That is all.

April 17, 2007

I Lend You My Heart

I have nothing witty or funny to post today. I am utterly saddened by the images and sounds I have witnessed on my TV. I have watched the reports of the shootings at Virginia Tech and I feel helpless and lost.

To be a parent to one of the students, a wife or husband to one of these professors - I can not imagine your pain. I know that I can not help that pain fade.

But know that this mother lends you her heart to help you grieve. I will share your tears. I will send my prayers to God himself to somehow make this tragic ordeal ......what? ......less painful? ...livable? ........manageable?.....
I don't know. I know it will make it none of those. I hope that you can find solace in knowing that others, myself included, feel your loss as if it were our own.

How I wish this had never happened.
My prayers, my heart, my tears are with you.

April 09, 2007

Have Yourself Some EggSalad and Some Lactaid

Sorry for the late post - my kids were on vacation this past week (I'm sure all of your kids are off this week) and well, it was kinda hectic.

I hope you all ate as much good food for the holiday as I did. I TOTALLY over did the dairy (recently discovered I am Lactose Intolerant - a trait many in my family share - that's just TMI, I'm sure) and paid the price - but hell, it was worth it! Fun was had by all! He visited each of DH's Zias (aunts in Italian) and brought flowers and drank espresso - chitchatted a few and off to the next stop. The kids were kissed and pinched and then the Zias shove money in the hands. I have seen my kids have no less than 40-50 bucks by the end of the visiting.

After that, we headed to my in-laws for lasagna, antipasto, fresh mozzarella and tomato salad, artichokes, braciole, lamb (which the smell GAGS me), and more I'm sure I can't remember. We had an Easter Egg hunt (indoors since it was SO COLD) and gifts abound. The kids had a wonderful time with Nonna and Nonno and the rest of the family.

Next stop was my parents - to see my lovely sister, BIL and the twins. Another round of eating - ham, pasta salad, coleslaw, pie - OMG I almost died right then - seriously, exploded from the inner core. Presents again - everyone was so very thoughtful. The kids loved their haul! We had some nice chitchat and off to our house for some much needed rest - AFTER I put all that stuff away - which includes 6 chocolate bunnies, 5 chocolate Italian eggs with prizes inside, and a million other pieces of candy.

Lovely, lovely day.

In other news - I got rid of Big Ugly Blue Betty!! That's right, I no longer own that thorn in my side Minivan.

I am the proud owner of this...

Hot, isn't she?

April 03, 2007

Little Picasso

I think I have mentioned, oh two or ten thousand times, that Lil Man most definitly has an artistic eye. He is able to draw almost anything from his imagination - rather than havng to have a model in which to copy. Miss Thing needs to look at reference to draw - and she gets VERY frustrated if her drawings do not live up to her expectations.

It reminds me of myself as a child. My father had unbelievable artistic abilities. I was very envious of them as a young kid and worked extra hard to try to make them look like his. Miss Thing is the same way - but with less focus. She has MANY things she is interesting in - playing guitar, reading, singing, karate - you see my point.

Lil Man's sole purpose in life is to document each and every thought he has on paper. He is endlessly drawing. And he is very talented for his young age. You can see some examples below from the Town Rec Art Class he took in Kindergarten. (I thought I had posted these already - but I can't find them.) To set the stage, this was an outside the school art class - that I paid for - this is a collection of the the VERY FIRST DAY OF CLASS.

Talented and funny as hell. I think I must have laughed harder THAT day than I ever have in MY WHOLE LIFE.

From his first day of preschool, I knew he had talent. I walked in to pick up my missing appendage - as he was my BABY and had never left my side until this point and the teachers swarmed me.

"We have NEVER seen a kid draw like your son!!"

I'll be honest, I didn't even know he COULD draw at that moment. I had never SEEN him do it. I felt bad for not knowing his talents. But, I was a full time working mom IN THE HOME and he played very well independently and I guess he had been drawing away on his own. Thus, handing down the torch from Loser Mom from the first kid - awesome.

They showed me his drawings of a whale. That he drew from his head. At age 3. It had DETAILS. Water spouting out, ocean floor with sealife and plants. They were amazed. And I was proud. REALLY PROUD.

Fast forward to this weekend, countless crayons, markers and pads of paper later - we were sitting in Friendly's Restaurant booth. I love establishments who take the endless waiting into consideration and give the kids those booklets with little activities to do and some crayons. It occupies them and makes me not want to kick them under the table.

Both kids are quietly devouring all of the activities and have moved on to the back cover where there is a large open area for free thinking drawing. While DH and I are enjoying some peaceful little banter, Miss Thing is using her 3 crayons to create a mosaic or stain-glass effect. It is very pretty. I am not really paying attention as DH and I are talking over some new car buying plans.

DH looks over to Lil Man's paper, who is sitting directly in front of me, and his eyes bug out.

"What?? Are you ok? Are you choking on the waffle fries?"

"Did you see what he is drawing?" Dh whispers just under his breath.

I look over and I start to chuckle.

"Is it?" DH is lost for words.

"Yeah, I believe it is."

Lil Man is oblivious to this as he is in the ZONE.

I am full-on laughing at this point. "Lil Man? Are you drawing Jesus on the cross?"

"Yeah." he answers in a no big deal manner. He has made the cross the same mosaic stainglass effect his sister used and he has ALL the details in there.

DH is clearly uneasy of the fact that Lil Man is drawing Our Savior as he died for our sins.

I think it's hysterical and SO Lil Man to draw whatever had popped into his head.

"Can he DO that? I mean, what if someone else sees?" DH whispers to me.

No great artist ever got that way by censoring their beliefs. Lil Man drew what was on his mind. He did not make fun or be disrespectful.

We left the drawing for the waitress. What do you think she thought of it?

April 02, 2007

All My Peeps Showed Me Da Love

What a way to grow older - by receiving huge amounts of gifts on the same caliber as celebrity swag. Ok, so there was no Tiffany boxes - but I got even cooler stuff than that.

I received the Idiot's Guide To Sewing (from my lurvly sista ) - so I no longer have to try to Google all the words that are in the pattern I bought - or worse yet, call my family and listen to them LAUGH and LAUGH at the faux seamstress. I can put stuff together - but it's all smoke and mirrors. "NEVER look on the underside" is my motto. I am not gonna lie - I have no game when it comes to sewing. None.

But you know who does???? Sherry. Cuz Sherry, my dear internet friends, SEWED ME A MOTHER F'ING SHIRT - MADE OF SILK - WITH A VERY FLATTERING SHAPE - THAT FUCKING FITS ME LIKE I WAS HER MODEL BITCH!!

Look at it.....

Who does that? Seriously. People BUY shirts - not make them for people. We don't live in Amish country. Holy Hell. How am I going to find a gift FOR HER that matches that time and effort spent??? And HOW did she know my size to fit so exact? She didn't ASK me. I'll tell you that bitch is CRAZY - and talented - and sweet - and thoughtful - and FUCKING CRAZY, did I mention CRAZY??

I also got a few CDs of the Rock and Roll type (as if there are any other kinds - am I right??), a few bought shirts (from hubby - who - like never buys me clothes and THEY fit - fucking hell - what is going on here??), a computer program reference book I wanted, some stuff for my laptop - including the awesome Mighty "wireless" Mouse. I am so excited - it's bluetooth - THAT is so cool.

I also got a gift certificate to the spa from my coworkers. Am I appearing too stressed out? Cuz I bought them flowers for their birthdays - so, I am not sure what that means exactly.

Also, they couldn't stop stuffing me full of food. I had lunch with Mom, Sherry and Miss Thing - after a lovely afternoon of shopping, where my Mother bought me 2 others shirts - are you seeing a pattern here?? Huh. I got 5 shirts for my birthday. FIVE. That's exactly 5 more than I have ever gotten for my birthday.

We had cheesecake, strawberry shortcake, brownies and to top of my day - HUBBY made me stuffed lobster. Yes. He cooked it. Himself. Went to the store, peeked in the tank, picked them out, brought them home and cooked them up. He made the most delicious seafood stuffing. I know - I am lucky - a big dick, brains, a sense of humor AND he can cook. I can never complain about him again. But, we all know I will...

My bitch friends blew me off. Remember my post about having 2 friends. Well - scratch that - I have none. Whatever. I stayed home with hubby and watched a movie and hung out with my bestest friend - him.

Also - I received this awesome award from LadyBug Crossing...

The Original Perfect Post Awards – March ‘07

She, and a slew of her friends are coming by to visit and I couldn't be happier. I'll be linking you ladies soon. As soon as I can get a little ahead in my NEW CLASS - Philosophy of Aesthetics. What's that? I can't hear you over MY OWN snoring....

The adjunct ACTUALLY wrote this in an email...

"If desperation sets in, you may call me at 867-5309. I will immediately cease amusing myself with whatever trifle has momentarily captured my fancy and speak at length with you about your discomfort." Holy Hell - I'm fucked.

Gotta run! Thank you all - for showing me da love!! Peace!!