It Is REALLY Hard To Recover From A Morning Like This

This morning started off as most mornings do in our house. I awoke at an ungodly hour to have a quick cup of Joe with Hubby before waving sweetly to him before screeching "See ya Sucker - I'm watching Tivo'd Oprah before I have to wake the kids!"

I quickly jumped into the shower, donned some clothes and make-up and then woke the kids. Yelling to them to get up, get dressed and ready for Summer Camp (yeah me), I asked what they would like for breakfast. Typical morning, really.

I took their orders and headed to the kitchen only to find Old Mother Hubbard had fucking forgot to buy more groceries. I knew we were LOW - but not OUT of EVERYTHING. DH takes breakfast AND lunch from home and had used up the last of the rations. To be fair, with the 4 of us eating EVERY meal here - I should have bought more - but that matters none now. I had NO milk, NO bread, NO pancake mix, NO waffles - NO NOTHING. See what a stellar Mom I am????

I quickly rounded up the kids, hopped in the truck, sopping wet hair and all and rode off to Dunkin Donuts for a plain bagel as is - just put it in the bag thankyouverymuch and one plain bagel lightly toasted with cream cheese. When asked if I wanted anything else - I asked for a Margarita with salt and was met with an uncomfortable silence from the talking box. I guess they didn't get my humor. Not that I would have LAUGHED if they gave me one - I would have LOVED them if that were the case. Shit - 7:30 - need to get home - have kids eat, brush hair and teeth and I still need to blow-dry my hair and get the kids to Summer Camp BEFORE 8:15.

Drive home - pull into the garage look over to front seat where I put the DD bag full of the breakfast bagels and my purdy knock-off Kate Spate purse and OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THAT. IN. MY. FUCKING. PURSE. STICKING. OUT. OF. THE. FUCKING. TOP. OF. THE. PURSE. AAAAAaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!


Ugly Ass Also Know As Acanthocephala terminalis

That last part was my screaming like a little girl as I ran screaming from the truck abandoning my kids to fiend for themselves. Stellar Mom, right? Right?!?

They peered into the front seat to see what all my screaming was about and matched my scream with their own and ran for cover in the house. I still had to get breakfast out of the car NEXT TO THIS GIANT BUG IN MY PURSE, OH MY GOD WHAT IS IT DOING IN THERE? AND WHERE DID IT COME FROM? AND HOW THE FUCK LONG HAS IT BEEN IN THERE? AND WHAT IF I TOUCHED IT REACHING FOR MY PHONE WHILE DRIVING? - I would be DEAD right now as I would have absolutely driven off the road! And did it have FRIENDS OR A FAMILY LIVING IN THERE!! All of these things are swirling through my head as I walk back to the truck.

I peer into the passenger side - which is pretty simple to do since BOTH the driver and back door are WIDE OPEN - not closed as we exited in a bit of a haste. PLEASE GOD LET IT NOT BE THERE - PLEASE GOD. Shit, fuck - still there. IN MY PURSE!

I grabbed the bagel bag and threw it into the house. I went back to the truck. I am the Mom (Stellar Mom) after all and I must dispose of this creature myself. I lifted the purse, walked with it as far away from me as my out-stetched arms would allot and flicked it with a piece paper right outside the garage door.

Victory was MINE!

I shut the garage door and ran inside to gather up the kids, what little I had left of my dignity and a new pair of undies.

Making a quick grocery list for a run there after the Summer Camp drop-off, I shoved the kids into the truck, opened the garage door and saw it sitting there mocking me - perhaps even giving me the finger.....

I walked over and letting out a mighty Ninja Wail stomped on his ugly ass.

After groceries, I am driving through Dunkin Donuts AGAIN and demanding that Margarita.