September 26, 2007

I've Been Labeled

While trolling through my usual favorite blog sites, I decided to check my stats figuring they would have plummeted what with the lack of posting and all. To my surprise THAT had not happened. (You like me, you really like me!!)

What I DID find was a site that had linked to mine that lumped me into a group of awesome MommyBloggers that were labeled self-deprecating. If you read through the entry she is not poking fun AT ME, per se - more in general to all of us, herself included. She had a running joke with a friend (i.e. THIS is why we suck being mothers! joke that I have with my good friend Laur) and the friend got ticked and may have taken it personally.

While I am not calling her out here, I did feel the need to respond to her comment there.

And I felt perhaps I should say it here too - but in more detail.

I am not self-deprecating.

I do not lower my value of my own existence, nor pray for it to change. What I DO is tell the freaking truth. It ain't always pretty. I fuck up. We ALL do. This charade that a lot of Moms put on about being perfect is a FARCE. It can NEVER happen. It is self-destructive to them and a bomb waiting to go off for everyone else around them.

I am not perfect - FAR from it actually. But I am ALWAYS me. I am real. I have all the guilt and fears and regrets every other Mom has. I deal with mine with humor. Cuz honestly, sometimes it is laugh or cry. Do I try my best? Absolutely. Do I fuck up something on a weekly basis. Uh huh. Do I worry that something I will do in my kid's lifetime will put them on a doctor's couch? You know it.

But, I accept myself for it. I am ONE person who has a lot of responsibilities and if I can't turn around and cut myself some slack - who the fuck will? Should I teach my kids to be over-critical of their mistakes - never accepting themselves and hating their very core. Fuck that. We LAUGH. At ourselves, at each other and at total strangers.

The bottom line is this. What I do here is tell stories about my life no differently then if you were over my house for coffee. I have an abundant amount of material that I take from MY OWN LIFE. I enjoy laughing. I try my best every day and sometimes it pans out....and other times...not so much.

I tell the SAME stories in the SAME way at birthday parties, at family functions and PTO meetings - well, actually THAT is a total lie - cuz, I do not linger at those AT ALL - I get my fundraiser stuff and get the fuck out of there. People LAUGH when I open up and tell them my stories. They appreciate someone being real and not competing with them for Super Mom status. I don't want your job lady - I have my own.

I am not self-deprecating. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my husband. I LOVE my kids. I LOVE my business. I LOVE teaching. I sorta like going back to Grad school. I LOVE my house and all the cracks and dents. And I will continue to laugh and tell jokes about myself and my family. I hope you all do too.

September 24, 2007

OK, so Zen is SO Overrated Anyway....

That Zen I spoke about lasted approximately five minutes and then all hell broke loose.

I had forgotten that although we were supposed to leave bright and early for the Big E, Miss Thing had her first CCD class that ran until 11:00. Great. Not like you can skip the 1st day of religious education, what with the CONTRACT they make you sign and all. So, off to a late start.

Somehow I had put it out of my head that while neither of us was at all comfortable with it - we had given Miss Thing permission to have her VERY FIRST SLEEPOVER AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE after the Big E.

And I had no gift for said friend.

So, we run to the mall.

While at the mall, Miss Thing asks me for like the 10th time to PLEASE shave her legs because she is "a hairy beast". And if I could PLEASE buy her a bra. (Not like she exactly NEEDS one yet - but the bumps have started.)


So, Saturday night after the Big E, I dropped my little girl off to a total stranger's house and allowed her to sleep there, silently hoping that if there was a fire, the mother would make sure to grab my kid. See, I have issues - this is the stuff I think of...


And all was well, I picked her up Sunday morning and whisked them off to church. While there I looked at her legs. She WAS hairy. She is half Italian after all. There was a lot. And it was LONG.


Sunday night while she was in the shower she yelled for me. Begged me. I went into my office and got a safety razor. You did know that one of my clients is a national razor company right? I have a million razors in my office.

There I got a razor that has wire wrapped around the blades - it is next to impossible to cut yourself because the blades never actually touch your skin.

And I shaved her legs for her.


Fuck the Zen, does someone have Tequila?

September 21, 2007

Zen Moment

It is Friday.

I finished a ridiculously long work week and completed all projects I had.

My desk is clear.

I handed in my final presentation for my Grad Course.

I am happy with the presentation.

I am done with the class.

I will get an A.

My house is clean.

The kids are playing nicely.

We are going to go out to eat.

Then to a carnival.

THEN to the Big E tomorrow.

All is right.

All is calm and serene.

I can breathe.

Now I have to go shower....

But I can breathe in there too.

(Here's hoping you have Zen this weekend.)

September 14, 2007


When agreeing to allow your 9 year old to go to the library after school BY HERSELF in which she has to WALK to the library ALONE (across the street - but you see my point) and you have given strict instruction to walk directly to the library, call the instant you get there on your cell phone and do not dare step foot outside the door until I am there to chaperone my darling home.....

And then you decide that you are going to go spy on her to make sure she FOLLOWED EVERY DETAIL.

And while spying, only to see that in fact she did all of the above in stellar form and attention to detail, you go unnoticed. (THANK GOD - cuz, can you imagine if she SAW me there?!)

And all the while you are glowing at the fine specimen you are sending out into the world - you suddenly realize that you are NOT HOME in time for your Lil Man, who at all of 7 years old, is standing in front of your locked house when he gets off the bus.


Mother Of The Year 2007-2008.

September 11, 2007

I Just Have To Shout It From The Roof Tops!!!

Remember how I described Soccer season last year in regards to Lil Man's, well lack of aggressiveness, enthusiasm and competitiveness? No? Go read here.

Ok, so last year's account was a bit more colorful that I just let on, I know. Fucking, sue me.

Anyway,I digress. I came with news of this year's Fall Soccer Start.

I decided that this year, Lil Man is a year older and bigger and stronger, and damn it, WE LIKE HIM! (Do you all remember that skit?) He has a bit more edge to him, a lot more confidence and thanks to his father's relentless playful teasing, a whole shitload more aggression. He actually got so ticked at DH because he kept taunting him, that Lil Man snapped and punched DH RIGHT IN THE FACE!! Shock instantly registered across DH's face and then a smirk. He got what he wanted....a typical little boy's reaction to torment. Bravo. Fucking freaks. I will never understand the male testosterone. Ever.

I decided a better approach might be to introduce some sort of motivational tool. Some sort of reward offered for a job well done. I know, I know, some of you are saying "She shouldn't BRIBE her kid to do anything. He should do it on his OWN." And to you I say, Fuck Off. I know my kid and I know he needs confidence and I will dangle whatever necessary for him to feel the glory - ON HIS OWN.

Fast forward to Saturday, first game of the season, and while driving in the car I sneak a glance at Lil Man. He is completely non-plussed by the upcoming game. I see no fire, no spit and vinegar and I begin to have flashbacks of last season. I say to him, "Hey, Lil Man...have fun out there today! Do your best and try to play your position. Hey...ya know what?? If you score - I'll buy you a DS." (DS is the Nintendo DS handheld system.)

Both kids light up from the back seat. Miss Thing asks if this goes for her as well. I say, "Of course. Neither of you have had your first goal yet and I will be happy to do it if you are able to score a goal."

What I DON'T tell them is their father and I were going to buy them for them this weekend ANYWAY. We had talked about it for awhile and we doing it later on. DH turns toward me and half-smiles. He knows what I have just done. I have officially lit a fire under his ass.

So off we went, with our fold-up chairs slung on our backs, we set up shop on the sidelines with no expectations. I didn't actually THINK my dangling carrot would DO anything.

The game was well into the 2nd half, when Lil Man got a chance to play forward (the goal scoring position). Up until then, he had been mostly defense and had done pretty well whenever he was near the ball. Now, he ran up across the field from the boy with the ball - just as the boy lost the ball - Lil Man sent it flying through the net for his FIRST GOAL EVER!!

To say he was proud does not even scratch the surface. I have never seen him walk taller or feel better about himself. And I will tell you that DH and I floated around for 2 entire days - giddy that he had come into his own. Honestly - I am surprised that we didn't run up and down the sidelines screaming GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL and ripping off our shirts and running down the field. It was just THAT awesome.

Did he get his DS? You bet your ass. And the money spent was more than worth it for the confidence he found that day. Days like that,are what I love about being a Mom.

September 06, 2007

Update: To All New Year Starts

The kids had wonderful first days of school. They both loved their teachers and fun was had by all. And yes, there was an abundant amount of chocolate chip cookies waiting for them when the arrived off the bus. And I'm not saying that I didn't eat 12 or so of them BEFORE they got home. (I would send you some Melody - but hell - they were gone the first night!) This has become a tradition in our house of me making cookies for their first day of school ever since Lil Man began school. They love it and I love that they love it. To them it shows them how much I love and missed them, to me - it's a few hours in the kitchen WITH NO FREAKIN KIDS AFTER A VERY FREAKING LONG SUMMER - Hurray Me!! Is that wrong? No, I didn't think so. Other moms understand.

My Ad Design class that I teach has not gotten off to an auspicious start. They arrived last night with what was supposed to be there Rough Drafts as a Personal Identity page. (Read - a layout all about them.) They were not what I had expected in the way of content, execution or finish and certainly did not in any way meet the criteria of the first handed in assignment for a COLLEGE class in the major that they have chosen for their CAREER. They came unprepared, without materials to work - how, I ask you, do you do that?? As the night wore on, I also learned that the majority of them do not even know how to use the computer programs in which they are supposed to be designing. I spent most of the 3.5 hours teaching them Photoshop instead of Advertising Design. It is going to be a long semester. Let's hope for the Dark Horse.

My graduate class is kicking my ass and I can't wait for the next 3 weeks to fly by so I can be done. I'm tired of the work. I'm tired of the people and their shitty attitudes. It's draining to be around. I actually had a piece of mine critiqued and a certain gentlemen commented that my color choice "sucked". Sucked????? A) Who the fuck do you think you are with your shitty fucking layouts??? B) Do you have an ounce of professional decorum? No. C) Great way to get others to open in class. D) HE IS AN INSTRUCTOR TO OTHER COLLEGE KIDS. Yes. He's lucky I know how to hold my tongue. And that I didn't have my box cutter. I kid.

The kids have started soccer and will have their first game over the weekend. Karate continues to be the bane of my existence, but they will test to move up in rank in a few weeks. If this instructor tells me one more time that I need to do any of the following, sew my sons uniform (she wants me to shorten the sleeves - which he is just going to outgrow in - ya know 10 minutes - so no.), buy him new sparring gear, conveniently right after they told us that if we took the summer off like we had planned, our rates would go up $10 more per kid per month - only to have them raised after the summer even though we did what they asked because hey, their bills were higher, bring him to more classes - I am going to see if that black belt she wears is all for show.

That's all for now - sorry for the lack of posting - I have lots to tell you all - I'm getting there......