Lost For Words

I can hear my sister laughing at the header to the post because, REALLY, I am NEVER lost for words. I usually use TOO MANY words and usually I have an opinion on something.

Well, that all changed yesterday.

While putting on my face to drive to the kid's school to drop off some medical papers, Motrin and cough drops that have to be hand delivered in their original iron-tight UNOPENED packaging in another air-tight baggie BY THE PARENT with doctor's permission. Which honestly really chaps my ass, as I would never call the Dr. to ask if if was ok if I gave my kid something for that headache and a little cough drop pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top. WHATEVER.

My bathroom is in the back of the house and while I heard the lawn guys pull in, I hadn't even so much as looked out there. I know they are cutting the lawn. I've seen lawn cut. I've cut lawn MANY, MANY times. I'm all good. When all of a sudden, mid-eyeliner, I hear a noise. What the???

It sounds.... it sounds like an alarm. Like my POOL alarm. I open the blinds and look at the pool which still has the gate locked with a padlock. BUT. There are giant waves running through it. WTF? Someone was IN MY FUCKING POOL.

I walk out the front door and there standing in back of the truck was a lawn guy head to toe soaked and dripping on my driveway. Wet feet prints marked his path from the pool to where he stood. He looked surprised to see me. I assume he thought I wasn't home.

My mouth was open so long I had to snap it shut and the only thing I could think to say was "YOU SET OFF MY ALARM?" He mutters "sorry" over the blaring pool alarm and attempts to follow me to the back claiming he didn't know I had an alarm. "I have kids, of course I have an alarm."

"Oh yeah, well the water was great, thanks."

I just stood there looking at him. At his audacity. Here is a GROWN MAN pool-hopping without permission, fully clothed in my mother fucking pool. Perhaps I should pull the Denali out of the garage and leave the keys in and he can take it for a spin seeing as it was all right there and shit. Or perhaps since the front door is open, he can come on in and cool himself down in the central air.

I mean, I GET that it was hot. I GET it. If he had dipped his sweaty grass-clung head in there - I'm alright with that. Splash the water up over your head and soak yourself. GET THE HOSE and make a fucking sprinkler for all I care. BUT God, the thought of him swimming in there fully clothed makes me want to pour SHOCK in my eyes and scrub them out.

Can you imagine?