March 28, 2007

I am Going To Be 12,775 Days Old

This is how my pediatrician tells the kids how old they are - in months and days. What the fuck it THAT? I JUST got Lil Man to remember the month and day he was born - let alone that he is going to be 7, and there ya go fucking it up telling the kid in months and days. I'm not entirely sure he even KNOWS all the months.

Anywho, I digress.

I am coming dangerously close to another birthday. On Saturday, I will be 35.

That seems like a ridiculous impossibility considering I feel (and act) no more than 22 or 12 on a really GOOD day. So, I sat here thinking about what it means to BE 35. Half way to 70. Holy Shit. Yeah. I realized that I have certain things that I did not have at 25 - so I started a list. Here's what I have so far.

1. Hair in places I have never had before. Also gray hair - um, everywhere. Hello pretty.

2. Two jobs. That I like. That make enough to pay bills AND go to a bar for drinks. If I had the energy.

3. A bedtime. I NEED sleep. Never in my life have I needed sleep like I do now.

4. The following items - springform pans, a large table sized calculator with register tape, anti-aging moisturizer, napkins in every pocket, place etc (ya know - just in case), and tweezers in all bathrooms (see #1)

5. A different face and body. Where the hell did that 25 year old body go that I thought I hated? The one that thought she was SO fat - I'll show her fat....Come back - I love youuuuu...

6. Two friends. Which is about 20 less than I had at 25. Turns out they were not really friends at all.

7. Wisdom and an abundant amount of life lessons. And I treasure each one.

8. An appreciation for my life, the people in it and how quickly it can all be gone. I have learned to stop rushing through it and stop and have a cup a coffee with it. My 25 year old self never got that.

9. Eleven years of marriage with the one person who truly GETS me. Understands me AND still allows me to be my crazy self. At 25, we had just made it through our first year of marriage and it seemed so hard. Boy that girl didn't know the half of it.

10. Laughter. Great huge gobs of laughter EVERY day at myself, at others, at life in general. I wish someone would have told me to laugh more then.

What have you learned now, that you didn't know 10 years ago?

March 26, 2007

Why You Should Nominate Me For Mother Of The Year 2007

I know, I KNOW, how could I expect to win the award for the ninth straight year, right? Pish-posh - I so BEG to win without even trying. I know I received that awesome award last year - so I'm trying to get another, that way I can justify buying that shelf I've been eyeing in Linens N Crap.

There was some discussion at the dinner table on Friday regarding swearing who at the table - in particular - does more of it. Since Miss Thing and Lil Man are NOT ALLOWED to swear (at least in front of us) the contestants were Hubby and I.

DH is a constant swearer of the lesser variety. He uses God Damn It, Sucks, Ass, Asshole, Crap, Shit, Hell etc. You get the picture. They are not said for effect. They are part of his vocabulary. "God Damn It son - why the hell is all this crap all over your damn room. It looks like a shit whole."

I myself try not to swear in that capacity. I reserve it for moments of PISSED OFF all out let it fly. I do use the bigger words in conversation to those close to me - not my kids - as I have a trucker mouth. I am not trying to say I do NOT swear. Oh, I do. And I do it well.

DH asks the kids "Who swears more Me or Mommy?"

Without even looking up from their dishes they answer in unison, "Mommy!"

"What the?!?! Are you kidding me?"

DH is looking rather smug, since he and I BOTH know most of his swears are MOUTHED to me under his breath for my own benefit. Like when I call him out for doing something really stupid in front of the kids, he will mouth "ASSHOLE" to me and I laugh. See why we get along?

I look at the kids and say "Ok I swear more - but WHO am I swearing AT?"

Without hesitation both kids point at DH.

Now I am really laughing.

"See, I am nice to THEM - just not you."

He continues to tease me about my gutter mouth all day - provoking me - hoping to get me to spew one of my rants in front of the kids. I don't take his bait. I needle him too - and he mouths "Fuck You".

Aha! "Kids Daddy said the BIG word - the F word!"

Lil Man - "Oh yeah? The F word huh? You mean Freaking Bastard??"

I'll be writing my acceptance speech.....

March 23, 2007

Can You Use It In A Sentence?

We are long past the "What's that? What's THAT? WHAT'S THAT?" stage of parenting that comes with their ever growing vocabulary and inquisitive minds. We long past the point that we say what everything is as we are doing it, so they can learn.

"Mommy is going to go to the closet to try to find a pair of pants to fit her enormous ass that she has had ever since having yoouuuuuuu - oohhh yessssshhhhh shhhhhhheeeee isssssssss. Who's a good girlllll?"

Long Past.

But the other day I spent a few hours with Miss Thing shopping at the local Mall and she felt like talking. This does not always happen - sometimes she doesn't want to talk AT ALL. I have tried to push those times - prod her - draw out conversation - but it never works.

This time, she was on a roll.

"Mom, do you know what gay means?"

I try not to act shocked. I mean did I think she had never heard of it in school. "Yes - do YOU know what gay means? Did you learn that in school? Did someone tell you what it means?"

Shrugs her shoulders..."Yeah. When 2 girls or 2 boys get married. No one told me, I figured it out from what some boy said to another girl."

"Oh." nothing else - no words of wisdom from me. I was feeling a bit "deer caught in the headlights". And I have MANY DEAR FRIENDS who ARE gay. And - I had nothing.

She moves on to other subjects, rambling on. I am scouting out Easter outfits, so I am not 100% paying attention.

"Mom, what does CONSTIPATED mean?"

Now this one makes me laugh, because COME ON, shit talk IS FUNNY.

"It's when you can't poop."

"Really? Can't poop?"

"yep." I am not sure why, but at that moment I was again struck by my uncomfortableness with her inquisition. I felt like a fish out of water. AND this is NOT me. I am an open and honest person. And here I am clamming up with my own kid.

"Why do you ask? I mean, where did you hear it that you are asking?"

"Oh Katey made up a rhyme that went, Constipated, Overrated, First-Class Loser."

I shoot her a funny look, but the moment has passed, she has already forgotten about our conversation.

I am lost in my own thoughts. Why am I feeling like this? Am I thrown by the fact that she is no longer that little blob that thought the sun rose and set on me? Am I weirded out by her pre-teen demeanor. Am I just getting old? I think maybe all of those....

A few stores later, I am still uneasy with my realization that my little girl has gone and grown up on me. I am really on the edge of tears in the middle of the mall.....


Shaking off the weirdness, I smile at my little angel and decide she really is still my little girl. My beautiful little innocent, naive girl. "Yes sweetie?"

"What does alibi mean?"

Can someone buy her a dictionary...and me a Cosmopolitian?

March 22, 2007

How Bad Is It...

When the phone rings at 7:30 AM and its the credit card company to inform you that they believe there was some fraudulent activity - because HOLY SHIT there was A LOT of activity on that particular card yesterday and they wanted to let me know.

"Okay - tell me what was on there...:

"Well ma'am - there was a gas purchase at 4:00"

Silence. "OK - well - that was my husband - go ahead....."

"Oh...ok - and then there were three purchases at the Mall."

I think he's pulling my chain - cuz when I go to the mall - there are ALWAYS at least three purchases. "Uh huh."

"One was from Sears for $104.32."

Miss Thing has promptly outgrown ALL on her jeans. Sears = 3 pairs of Levi jeans for her + her Easter Outfit = $104.32


He's fumbling - I think because they expected me to be flipping out at this point. "Next is a purchase at Burlington for $42.00."

Burlington = Communion outfit for Miss Thing for 2 communions we have to attend + Easter Outfit for Lil Man = $42.00

"Yep." I am slightly amused at all of this because I really didn't think $150 bucks was worth them calling. AND I had gone to OfficeMax to get stuff for Miss Thing's Science Project as well as Michael's and paid cash - what would they have said if THOSE were on there??

He's really kinda let down now..."And last is a purchase at Target for $332.00"

Target = "Easter candy and basket fillers for my kids (which included Disney Mini Digital Cameras), Easter stuff for my Niece and Nephew, 2 shirts for Hubby, PJS and shirts for both kids, paper towels, paper plates (we are SO high class), Static Guard and Birthday presents for Father In Law. I say I did ok.

"Yep. Mine too."

"Well, ok." He is clearly disappointed.


How SAD is it when I am trying to make the Fraud Department at my Credit Card Company FEEL BETTER because I actually spent the money they were questioning.

Maybe I should have told him I would be late on the payment ON PURPOSE so that I would have to pay the late fee...

March 15, 2007

Updated: To Add A Forgotten Soul

I realized last night that in my post yesterday,
I said we had already buried 1 hamster and 2 hermit crabs.

But, I realized we had THREE hermit crabs.
I had forgotten about Scooby.

So, to be clear - in the Pet Cemetery - we have:

2 Hamsters - Sara 1 and Sara 2
3 Hermit Crabs - Scooby, Flash and Tom

Just a note to those of you who think getting a pet is a great idea.
Note the "H" animals are also "D" for Dead and Disposable.

March 12, 2007

Sara Was A Really Shitty Hamster

I know - this is probably NOT the best start to a eulogy - but, it is true.

Ask Sherry who nearly got her finger amputated by small, sharp, razor-like incisors - thanks to Miss Sara.

We got Miss Sara as a replacement to the first Sara who died rather soon after we brought her home. In hindsight, I should have used this to my advantage. "See, Miss Thing - you DON'T WANT another hamster to die in your room do you?"

But - no - I was all swept up in the tears.

So, we brought home Sara 2 and she seemed nice as pie for a few weeks. Dwarf hamsters are cute until they get a little older and then they are best left alone.

So, we had this horrible stinkin' rat for nearly 3 LONG HARD YEARS. It was Miss Thing's pet, but she soon abandoned it. No one in the house liked it. I took care of it. I cleaned its cage. I fed it. It was moved out of Miss Thing's room. It lived in my OFFICE.

Until last weekend. Saturday is cage cleaning day. Miss Thing came down with the cage and announced she thought the thing was dead already. And not SAD people - I think she was smiling!!

I checked and while she was not already dead - it wouldn't be long. She stayed in her little cedar house stuffed with cotton while I went about the chore of cleaning up. I noticed she hadn't eaten much and hadn't made a mess. I figured she had been sick a few days and no one noticed. Feeling a little bad, I stuck my hand in and petted her. She let me. Fuck, the end was near.

After the kids had gone upstairs, Sara somehow dragged herself up the tube to the top section of the cage. That's when I noticed the blood in the the cedar bed. She was suffering.I felt really bad. But, I am all talk. I could never put this thing out of its misery.

I tried convincing DH to ring its neck. "Um, no psycho," was his answer. I thought of putting her in the freezer. I just couldn't do it. So, I sat with her for awhile and brought her back up to my office so I could keep an eye on her. Lil Man, lover of all animals was very emotional after he saw how wobbly she was.

"Mommy can't you do something?" he pleaded.

"Honey, the only thing I COULD do is kill her."

Horrified, "You won't do that will you?".

"I can't. I don't even have it in me to do."

Whispering, very quiet, "I know you don't".

The next morning I found her exactly in the same spot I left her. Her suffering had finally ended . I was glad. It was horrible to watch. I decided to bury her, but quick. She was afterall, still in my office and to be honest - there was already a bit of an odor. Lil Man offered to help. So armed with my spade, some gloves and Sara The Dead Hamster in a children's Tylenol box - we went outside. We headed to the Pet Cemetary. I intended to bury Sara 2 next to Sara 1, as well as hermit crabs, Tom and Flash.

The weather is starting to warm in the Northeast - but the ground is still rock solid. After a few attempts, I say out loud - "Man, the cat better die in the summer." Lil Man rolls his eyes. I gathered up a bunch of mud left from the pouring rains of late and put her under a large rock.

Ok. All done. Lil Man says his goodbyes. So do I.

He says, "Mom this is really sad."

"I know honey, but she is in a better place."

Walking towards the house he turns and says....

"Yeah, she's in the big wheel in the sky!"

{I think I woke the neighbors with my hysterical laughter.}

March 10, 2007

With The Rag Top Down So My Hair Can Blow*

I have mentioned on many occasions that my RIDE - she is lame.

I mean lame in the - "I drive a Huge Blue Minivan That Is A Color Blue That Sticks Out In Any Parking Lot Thus Ensuring I Never Walk Aimlessly About Hoping To Find My Cookie Cutter SUV." Yeah, never. I am saying the above with much envy for the SUVs and a prescription for Nicole Richie's glasses to hide from the ugle truth.

This van has been the bane of my existence. I have replaced nearly every part in this ShitBox. New transmission - check. New head - check. New every other freaking thing - check, check and check. I have, in the past month, gone back to the mechanic and had 3 different parts go BAD that were brand new! While still under warranty - and not milking away any more of my hard earned cash - I think it is turning parts bad ON PURPOSE. I. Shit. You. Not.

I am in the midst of researching a new SUV-type vehicle. I have looked at every model, every detail and have narrowed my search down to a few that need a test-drive to determine the winner.

I have decided that I was going to wait until the spring to actually purchase a vehicle:

A) I am still undecided

B) Holy Shit The Amount of Cash These Things Cost

C) I don't want to walk around a parking lot in the freezing cold feeling very pressured to not allow my kids to get frostbite on their extremities just because I really WANT the black GMS ENVOY DENALI - and not the red one.

This plan may have changed....

Fridays I teach the daytime Ad Design class at the Art College. My kids are a really talented bunch - with much spirit and bust-ass capabilities. Something I can REALLY appreciate.

Usually the smoke from their tires has cleared out of the parking lot long before I venture out to Big Blue. This was NOT the case this past Friday. There they stood - the whole class. Surely bitching about the assignment I had given them. THAT I don't care about. I'm USED to that.

But what happened next...I MAY NEVER RECOVER.....

I hopped in Big Blue and fired her up. There may or may not have been Twisted Sister blaring out through the iPod and as I started to gingerly back the bitch up - I saw them.

I saw the whole bunch of them pointing and ... and.....LAUGHING. Not slight polite giggles covered by dainty hands. THEY WERE DOUBLED OVER AT THE WAIST - THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS!! Shocked. I stared at them.

They were LAUGHING at my Ugly Betty. Not one to EVER let things go - I rolled down the window and pointed my finger old-lady style and shouted "YOU. YOU do NOT laugh at the big blue minivan. There is NOTHING wrong with the Big Blue Minivan" (This last statement was more to convince myself than them - but WHATEVER.)

The boy closest to me yells back - "Yeah, cuz THAT'S HOW YOU ROLL?"

Fuck - if I wasn't busted by my own catch phrase. Oh how they had my number and I was not liking it AT ALL.

What also DID NOT HELP ONE BIT - was retelling the story to DH and him hysterically laughing at the thought of the kids doubled over in laughter and my shrieking "They were laughing AT me - not WITH me" only sent him farther into a fit that he needed his inhaler. Serves him right - fucker.

Thank goodness the weather is warming. I need to get a new pair of kicks to go with my new ride as soon as possible - CUZ THAT'S HOW I ROLL.

Extra points if you know the song this title is in........

March 08, 2007


Miss Thing - "Mom?"

distracted cooking, cleaning, reading - not even looking up - "Umm, yeah?"

Miss Thing - "what does FLY mean?"

I barely look up over my glasses - "You're joking, right? Cuz you're 9 after all."

Miss Thing - "no, NO - Like You're so FLY."

Me - "What the...??? Where did you hear that?"

Miss Thing - "Just..... what does it mean?"

Me - "That you are really cool. Or....."

Miss Thing - "Or what?"

Me - "If its a guy saying it to a girl, it means she's really pretty."

Miss Thing - "African americans have a really interesting way of talking.
Did you notice that they do all the RAP music?"

Me - "Ya don't say?"

March 05, 2007

6 Weird Things About Me

You'd think this wouldn't be very hard considering the million things WRONG with me - perhaps its the fact that I have to cut it down to ONLY six that is giving me trouble. Here goes.

I was tagged by Wendy .

Rules: Each player of this game starts with the 6 weird things/habits about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

Ok - here goes...

1. I have weird body parts. I have NO ankles or wrists to speak of. I am also double jointed in my thumbs and my toes. I can actually wave with my toes - fully fold them down and curl them under my feet... and I can walk around like that on the stumps on my feet - toes tucked under. Shut Up. I KNOW it's fucked up that I know I can. And that I do. It also freaks the fuck out of DH.

2. I am an absolute FREAK MAGNET. Ask anyone who knows me - weird people seek me out. All. The. Time. People start up conversations with me everywhere I go. People tell me jokes. People ask for advice. Seriously, I must have the strangest Karma that I send out.

3. I am honest to a fault. If you really want to know the truth, I'll tell you. I think part of this is because I am the most pathetic liar on earth. The other is I have NO FILTER, as I have told you before. I was born without one - as the rest of my family does not have one either. I often disclose everything I do wrong/stupid - like I'm confessing. I think I do it to see if I'm the only one. Plus, I totally can laugh at myself. And others. Ok, mostly others.

4. I own more costume jewelry than a woman should. I have a match for every item of clothing imaginable. Seriously - you can test me on this. Need something to go with purple, green, black and gold - yep, I'm your girl.

5. I am a Nerd at heart. I grew up shunning the truth - so I hung with the Potheads while I rocked it in the AP Calculus class and all the other nerds. Hard to keep that facade up when the principal comes into your Art Class (home away from Calculus home) and gives you your Letter jacket for being in the Top 5% of your class of (300) and the pin is a Knowledge Lamp. Holy crap - how are you going to explain having a Letter Jacket when everyone knows damn well ya never played a sport - because it would fuck up your very big, feathered Aquanet hair. So, yeah - Nerd. National Honor Society Nerd. Magna Cum Laude Nerd. At least I am consistent.

6. I am genuinely happy. I have the perfect life. I have two beautiful kids - a boy and a girl - I have a wonderful, gorgeous husband - I own my own design business - work on National campaigns for well known products from my home, with the best slipper commute imaginable - teach at an Art College and am well respected - am currently fulfilling my goal to obtain my master's degree in Graphic Design with a current 98.6 accumulative average - people tell me I'm pretty - I think I am ok.
I believe me can make good things happen to us - call it Karma - call it The Secret - whatever - I think you can. I think I have. I also think I am very blessed and say a prayer to God every day for all the things I am thankful for. I think all things happen for a reason - sometimes they are lessons - sometimes to build strength - whatever good or bad - I try to find the message in it and learn from it - because if we don't they just keep being sent to us.

So there are my 6 things. I tag Sherry , Michele , LaLa , Sherri , Heather and Johannah. Tag bitches - you're it.

March 02, 2007

Quick Build An Ark!!!

It is raining really hard and fast here this morning. So much so, that at any moment I am expecting actually cats and dogs to fall from the sky. And the lights keep flickering.... Creepy.

I have to drive to the college to teach my day class today in this - so, say a quick prayer for me.

I have to make DH a birthday cake today - as his birthday is tomorrow. I bought him some much needed clothes and a delicious scent - Dolce and Gabbana cologne. Ladies, go smell this stuff - SO GOOD. I smelled it on a gay friend of mine and he smelled heavenly. I got a thing about a nice smelling guy............

So, have a nice weekend one and all. I am working on a MEME that I was tagged for weeks ago - 6 Weird Things About Me - maybe you all can help.....

What do you know about me that's weird??