July 24, 2006

The Eensie Weensie Spider

(This post has a disclaimer that the following post is ravaged with Gyno appointment speak. Men, turn back now, as you may never look at a cooch the same again. You have been warned.)

So, did I tell you that I turned up at the OB-GYN for my appointment a day early?

Yes, I did. Bright and perky and coiffed (ya, know which hairstyle I mean). And the nice (yeah, right) receptionist told me to come back tomorrow. Okay, great.

Fast forward to the next morning, I am up early to get the kids off to the Summer Camp before I once again make my way over to the Now Right Day Appointment to meet with the Twat Doctor. I go through my usual ritual when going to see the Twat Dr. I get in the shower, shave legs and trim up the Cooch, after all, she's there on display, kinda like a Newly Made sandwich unveiled on that deli paper. Ok, maybe not exactly - but you see where I'm going with this.

But, like I said - you want HER to look HER best after all. I put on some make-up, perhaps this will distract him from noticing the 10lbs I put back on after losing last year. Well, it can't hurt, right? Pick out loose fitting clothes, as no one needs to see that my circulation is getting cut off by too tight capri pants. Big naked lady on the deli paper with deep blood red marks around her boobs, waist and legs looks like I've been rolled like a pork roast. Can't be having THAT.

I struggle with shoe choices. Its been like 1000 degrees outside. Do I opt for the sandals and hope like hell that my feet don't make him fall off his stool backward when I put them in the stirrups? Or do I put on socks and sneaks and hope to absorb the sweat. Decisions, decisions.... I opt for the sandals and take my chances.

Running through my check list in my head while absently peeing for the 4th time (why is it, that when I KNOW that the nurse is going to hand me that tiny plastic cup to pee in, I have to pee freaking every 10 minutes before I go there and when I DO GET THERE, I have stage fright? Just me??) deodorant - check. Perfume - check. New crappy insurance card - check. Hubby's new address for new job - check. Newest pictures of the kids - check.

While reaching over to grab some toilet paper (I just HAPPENED TO GLANCE OVER - I was totally lost in my thoughts) I see the TINIEST Little Black Spider sitting just under the fold back of the toilet paper. What The FUCK????? I screech, cuz I fucking hate spiders - and what the hell was it doing hiding in the toilet paper??

I quick smooshed it with the paper itself, ball it up and throw it away and then proceed to inspect every other square front and back for "friends" of the newly departed Eensie Weensie Spider. None. Thanks God. I had a quick moment of relief before my mind started to go somewhere it really shouldn't have.

What IF I didn't SEE the spider and USED the spider to wipe my cooch AND then went to the Twat Dr. thinking I was all coiffed and trim only to have the Doctor say, "Well, you don't have cervical cancer - but you DO have a smashed spider on your cooch."

How many late night trips to the bathroom, sans lights, not even opening my eyes to walk to the bathroom, let alone inspect the toilet paper. Could he have been there all along, plotting his time to pounce. Had there been others?? I was starting to feel weak in the knees and really quite sick.

But, I had to press on. I arrived at the dr's office at the 20 minutes before appointment time that was asked of me, to fill out enough paperwork to be my last will and testament. I see the signs everywhere to turn off your cell phone, which I ignore, as everyone I KNOW, knows I am going to the Twat Dr. And totally disregard the fact that my phone is on the LOUDEST selection of Roaring Guitar. OF COURSE, wailing guitar sounds ensue - I quick snatch (ha, I said snatch) up phone to see that I missed a call from my sister and swore as I turned it off under the GLARES from the receptionists. Rule Breaker.

Soon I am being whisked into the inner office to have pee cup filled, weight obtained (GOD LOVE the nurse who did NOT announce my weight OUT LOUD as some of them do.), height (Am I the ONLY one who tries to straighten up to seem more proportionate? Just me?) and then off to the LITTLE room. But not before I run head-on into Miss Thing's teacher. VERY awkward to meet like this. Right outside the LITTLE room. Not like I'm gonna shake her hand, right??

Nurse informs me that the Twat Doctor has a Medical Student with him, and does she have my permission to let her come in as well. "Sure, I say. After 2 kids, there's not many people who haven't seen it yet, right?" She half-laughs, half looks through my charts to see what crazy pills I'm on. "We all have the same thing", Nice Nurse says. Yes, but SHE didn't know I ALMOST had a decorative spider sticker on mine - but I don't tell her that. Next is the blood pressure, which normally I have to TRY to control my breathing to keep it down - but since Nice Nurse did not use the bullhorn to announce my weight, I was feeling pretty good.

She leaves me with the new fabric gowns, (they must have ungraded from the paper since last year), and tells me everything off. I have, on more than one occasion, on purpose left my socks on, cuz really the thought of my bare tootsies on top of those nasty booties grosses me out. This is probably a really insignificant thing to worry about as I notice the speculum sitting in the disinfectant blue water in its stainless steel pool. I tried to explain to DH, what in fact goes on with that and likened it to a car jack, only horizontal. I was using my hands to demonstrate. They were palm to palm together and then keeping fingers touching pulled my palms apart. He said "No wonder" and I shot him a look that if he continues that thought I might use a speculum on him. He never finished the thought.

Twat Dr. is a lovely round man with a sparkle in his eye that I can't quite explain as I am certain looking at Cooches all day must dull the senses to some degree. He makes me think otherwise. His Newbie Student could not seem to bring herself to make eye contact and I kinda felt sorry for her for that. The exam was over in no time with a brief question and answer about the new DNA HPV/PAP test for women over 30, mammograms upcoming for next year since I am "of age" and sharing of the kids' pictures. Twat Dr. is off to see other Snatches and tells me before he leaves, that I look great. Even though he's lying, I still love him for this.

As I quickly get dressed, I can't help but wonder what he has seen in his years as a Vertical Slit Dr. Has he ever seen the Eensie Weensie Spider? Toilet paper stuck in someone's cheeks? Perhaps that's the sparkle he has. The never knowing exactly what he might find. Perhaps that's also the reason the Student couldn't make eye contact. She's afraid to see the Spider. At least it wasn't me, this year.

As I walked out, I couldn't help humming......."The Eensie Weensie Spider went up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain. So, the Eensie Weensie Spider climbed up the spout again."


At 11:14 AM, Blogger Carol said...

I don't blame you -- Because I saw a spider in the bathroom (earlier this year), I have now been lifting the seat to check first ever since. It feels silly, but I do it - lol!

At 11:52 AM, Blogger Wayfarer said...

I used to go to the OB/GYN visits with my wife, and it always made the docs uncomfortable to have me there. My wife was fine with it and I'm not sqeamish about that such things (*I* know what it looks like, after all). Plus, I kind of liked turning the tables a little.

At 12:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am totally creeped out at the thought of having a spider in the cooter. Which is why I hate hate hate peeing in nature. Too much potential for strange tickly sensations!

My new gyno is a dude I've known outside of the cooch for a long time. It's weird talking about the local baseball team or what my brother is up to while he's wrist deep or has the speculum wide open. I keep telling myself that for a long time, he was the only gyno in town, so he has seen everything from naturally-birthed triplets to the worst flaming herpes to grandma pubes to that not-so-fresh feeling. My groomed tee-tee has got to be a welcome change, I hope!

At 12:34 PM, Blogger BSumner said...

oh man..... ROFLOL

At 10:22 AM, Blogger Heather said...

I am laughing my ass off at the thought of a spider in the cooter area. HOWEVER...

Two weeks ago, I had a roach crawl across my arm, IN BED. I woke right the fuck up and screamed a little. Hubby freaked too, b/c I screamed. Every night, I double check every area of the bed, etc to make sure nothing is there. Every brush of the sheet against my arm gives me a moment of panic. BLECH.

At 5:46 PM, Blogger macboudica said...

That had to be the worst feeling ever, finding a spider *there*. Yuck!

At 6:10 PM, Blogger HomeFireBlue said...

Y'all are horrid! Poor spider. :(

Then again I suppose it would be better to have your Snatch Vet find a squished arachnid than a live one ...

I suspect having the doc inspect one's snatch then scream like a girl and fall backwards off his little metal stool would be a tad off-putting.


At 12:11 PM, Blogger Michele said...

If I lose my job it is all you rfault. I laughed my ass off reading this. I am at work. Now, trying to act like all of those church laugh snorts I just let out were actually snorts of a HORRIBLE cold.

Gee, maybe I can leave early...

Back when I was being invaded on an almost daily basis by my fertility doctor and his posse, I kept clean, fluffy socks in my purse at all times. to protect THEM from my sweaty bare feet. I never even thought about the nasty stirrups. Ick.

At 3:36 PM, Blogger Sheri said...

oh my freakin' word - I am laughing so hard. This was a great post! You really are funny. A day early to the appointment? You must've been excited to go.

At 10:52 PM, Blogger Waya said...

That was so funny! Vertical slit Dr. Now I won't be looking my OB the same way again. You're making me so paranoid now about toilet paper stuck in my "cheeks"! Gee, thanks!

At 2:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bet your twat smells like dead fish. Do you ever stick your fingers in it and smell it?


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