July 13, 2006

Thank You, Thank You Very Much

Let me tell you a little bit about my extended family (read White Trash expose coming right NOW.) I have a really large family. EXTENDED FAMILY. In our little family - its just me and my awesome Sis. My parents, however, were born into litters.

In my Mom's family there were 13 kids and my Dad's there are 7. That means I have, like 10,000 cousins - because these people, for the most part, are uneducated and lack the common sense to NOT bring another child into the world when your only employment is at the local BAGEL FUCKING SHOP! Ahem.

After telling you a bit about "the" uncle - in the Go Ahead Ask Questions post, it is fair to say that we are written off from my mother's side of the family because they think I lied. That we lied. And how dare we talk ill about the dead. Ah huh. Why do you think he blew HIS own head off???? Whatever, I'm over the fact that my own Grandparents choose to turn a blind eye and side with a pedophile - that's their cross to bear and their questions that they'll need to answer to their maker - not me. My conscience is clear.

My father's side is certainly no picnic either. I am certain Sherry has mentioned Auntie Horse Head in a previous post - but to refresh your memories - Horse Head is my father's sister. She is trouble. BIG trouble. Actually she is Satan in a size 20 dress. An ill-fitting dress. With a head as large as, well you guessed it - a horse. She is the most manipulative person I have ever met. And ruthless. And mean. And she lies. AND she thinks everyone OWES her something. Boo hoo she had a bummer of a childhood. Stand in line, sister!! Anyway Horse Head has NEVER had a job. NEVER. She married a much older man and has produced 2 spawns of Satan. (Following along? I know, it's not easy.)

Older daughter, we'll call her I Dropped Out Of College To Marry A FUCKING HUGE Idiot, wait that's too long - how about Living MY Life Through My Daughter Whom I Am Torturing By Social Isolation and Non-Group Involvement Home Schooling Because I Was Picked On In School....wait, that might be too long too....how about One Who Sent A Letter Asking For Money For Her Daughter To Take Acting Lessons...remember Sherry's post??? I'll wait - go read.... Ok - now that everyone is caught up...

YOUNGER sister, (Mini Satan) one who's husband slept with other GROSS cousin and she divorced him.... she went and got herself knocked up. By someone at work. Who dropped her faster than The Tower of Terror when the strip turned pink. Mini Satan is not the nicest of people. Actually she's foul-mouthed in ALL times and racy enough to make ME blush. She's ignorant and moody and horrible in general.


I have always liked Mini Satan.

Probably because she has always been the Black Sheep of her immediate family. I think I have always felt she started off bad being born into her unfortunate household and had she been put into another situation, I'm sure she would have had a fighting chance. And now this. She moved back into Auntie HorseNoggin's house after the divorce and has not left. She was going back to school to be some sort of Emergency Room Assistant and I cheered for her at the safe distance of my own home. These people are not the sort to have over your house. They never leave. They do not bring anything. They do not lift a finger. And they never miss an opportunity to mention how YOU have MORE than them and WOULDN'T it be SO nice to share. I don't fucking think so. I work hard for the money....sing it....... (I know you know the words - stop acting like I'm the only one!!)


I waited to get a baby shower invitation. None came. I waited to get a birth announcement ..... BAHHHHHAAAAHAAAAHAA...sorry I KILL me..... AS IF?! What DID come was an email of the newest arrival from OLDER sister with pictures of the baby, Older sister's daughter with baby and Older sister's Nut Job of a husband with baby. No picture of Mom with New baby. Weird??? Maybe. But, I looked like shit right after both births and would have gutted you like a fish with a box cutter had you EVEN THOUGHT about bringing in anything that would permanently document I REALLY DID look like that. So, maybe not so weird.

I email cousin and say appropriate Congrats New Auntie and ask what New Mom needs or did not get from her shower, as I would like to send something. Cousin says - she'll check because they DID NOT have a shower for her. WHAT?! No shower for the unwed, still living at home new mom?? Listen, I am not so old school that I think there is anything WRONG with her having this baby - quite the contrary - I am happy she chose to keep it and perhaps be forced into learning some responsibility. Nor does anyone in that family, have such high morals that they were hiding her away and keeping the baby a secret. And, its not like she's 14 - she's in her 30's. The story I am told is, New Mom, was very sick through whole pregnancy and they were unsure if even she was going to make it. So, no shower - so they wouldn't have to return the gifts or something. Morbid, no?

Ok, so I decide to get a Gift Card from Toys R Us, figure she can buy what she needs, right? Not like I SEE this cousin or even in the realm of calling each other. A gesture. Because I can. $50. I bought a nice card - wrote a short note wishing everyone well and dropped it in the mail fully aware that I would probably never get a response, let alone a thank you card. And I was OK with that. I took much flack from my parents about this. They thought I should not bother since this girl is a waste - yadda yadda. I stand firm that whether any of this is true is not my concern, this new baby has no choice to grow up crazy and well if I could help I would.

Yesterday, while dodging rain drops (AGAIN), I got the mail and in it was a little card addressed to our family from none other than the cousin. I BEAMED. She HAD changed. She had sent a thank you card.

I ripped it open and saw this...

Nice enough, no?

And here's what was inside...

Need a BETTER look??

In case you missed it....It Says "Every little bit helps since I didn't have a baby shower."

She WROTE THAT, in my THANK YOU CARD. To THANK ME for my $50 Gift Card Gift!! That I sent on MY OWN accord.

We have a classy family, no?? So, tell me, dear blogfriends, what in hell, your families have done to shock you.
I have to go poke forks in my eyes in preparation for the "I Told You So's" soon to ensue from my parents. Go.....


At 12:43 PM, Blogger Wendy said...

Oh, that poor baby!

At my mom's funeral, my uncle (her brother) wore his dress overalls...you know, the ones WITHOUT the holes. My insane grandmother (his mom) spent most of the weekend of the funeral accusing my dad of killing my mom with a morphine overdose, because of course it couldn't have been the cancer. Nope, had to be drugs. I skipped a family reunion last summer to avoid her, and it turns out I could have gone and had fun, since she doesn't know who anyone is anyway.

At 1:41 PM, Blogger Carol said...

My DH's niece had the audacity to ask for $1,400 on her first visit to see our baby (read hit us up for money) because her car got repossessed she said. Mind you, she didn't even bring a gift for the baby! AND we had an unexpected $2,100 plumbing bill right after the baby came home from the hospital (which I told her). She promised to pay it back $100 a month, and has only paid $200 so far (10 months ago)! Of course, loser that she is, she has ducked us ever since, had her cell phone shut off and has never called or come back to see the baby (no Christmas or Bday gifts either).
Naturally it makes me mad at DH cause I told him that the money should be in our own daughter's account, and never should have been given to this loser. I hope that karma comes back to bite her in the ass BIG TIME.

At 2:46 PM, Blogger Heather said...

Oh. My. God. She is the epitome of class. I did laugh though. I totally thought the note was going to say that she'd had a shower and you weren't invited. But that is classic.

I really don't have a story that is quite as good. It can't be that my family isn't all that bad, could it? Naaaahhhh...

But I still reserve the right to bitch about them later.

At 3:53 PM, Anonymous sherry said...

I'm not at all surprised by the note. Some how, NOTHING in this family can shock me anymore.

Well, perhaps if they moved away from their trailer park trashy ways, then I might blink at that. Otherwise? Not so much.

At 10:37 PM, Blogger BSumner said...

Let's see...

My brother got married young. 18 or so. Had a kid with the skank, and she promptly left him and took the kid 1000 miles away without telling him. He later found them in TX (he's in Miss) when said baby was a teenager.

In the meantime, he married a woman with 3 boys of her own ala brady bunch, and raised the boys as his own since they had no Dad.

Jump forward to 8 years ago, daughter from previous marriage calls and wants to come live with because she's unhappy with her mother. Bro says "sure!".

She moves in and is in the house a couple years before my brother finds out that his adopted son is boning his daughter. Uh huh... they were 15 years old. They claim they're in love. Bro throws a shitfit and moves daughter out and away from adopted son. They find a way to be together.. and you guessed it, she gets pregnant.
And they get married.

so my brother introduces people at the wedding. "this is my daughter, and this is my son and son-in-law".

SO yeah.. my SIL can say that her son got her step daughter pregnant.

They're divorced now.. the kids... he left her to go race cars for a living, and my niece is staying with my brother and raising the baby by herself.

At 11:11 AM, Blogger Island Girl said...

My moms sister married a CREEP. He made moves on all of us, the nieces.
He would sit at family functions and go on and on about all the women he had affairs with.
Gross nasty man.
Aunt just announced this year that they are getting a divorce.

At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy crap. Sharpie, you win the White Trash Award of the Week (It's a mason jar of kool-aid and a pink flamingo lawn ornament.) but you have to share it with Bsumner, because, dude, that shit ain't right.

My stepmother's first husband committed suicide. My stepmom had her diamond solitaire engagement ring made into a necklace that she wore all the time. Her daughter (who has a tattoo that says 'father angel') pawned it for cash to buy meth.

My husband's cousin wants to name her future daughter Elektra. Or Sangria. Huh.

My husband's cousin dated his dad's brother's wife's brother's daughter. Follow? They were cousins, though marriage, but still. Ick.

At 3:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've gotta post "Anon" because the universe is just too small.

DH and I don't make alot of money, but through very frugal living, careful planning and only using credit cards for emergenices, we're doing absolutely fine. We keep up with payments on our small house, keep our older cars in good repair, and we always have enough food to share with our friends. Somewhere along the way, my in-laws have gotten the STUPID idea that we have more money than we actually do.

Because my DH's brother and wife have young sons (who I adore) I can't say no to their occasional requests for money or short-term loans. I didn't decide for them to buy a house they can't afford, and I haven't contributed to other poor financial decsions they have made, but I hate to think that I'm dicking over my nephews somehow by not helping.

SO. Once upon a time, DH and I received a "oh-my-gosh-we-can't-make-our-housepayment" phone call and responded by sending them $1000, specifically telling them it was to help them get back on their feet, no repayment would be required. I figured they MUST be desperate and embaressed to solicit US for financial help, so I wasn't surprised when they asked us not to mention it to the rest of the family.

Mysteriously, the next time I saw my nephews, they had violins, and had been enrolled in music lessons.

They already own a piano, my SIL is a very talented piano player and sings like an angel; she's completely capable of teaching my sons to play PIANO or how to SING.

I nearly shit myself when I later heard that my nephews were also enrolled in art classes!

I love those boys, and am all about giving them the best education possible, but I thought their house was in danger of reposession.

Meanwhile, I'm absolutely busting my ass to keep my finances in the black and tuck $200 a month into my "I want to have a baby" savings account.

Then DH and I hit hard times; medical bills rose as DH's income level dropped. I cried with rage when I had to empty my "baby savings" account in order to make my own housepayment.

Did I ask for financial help? F#CK NO.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

At 11:39 AM, Blogger Comic Mummy said...

Wow, that's really sad.

On the bright side, I guess your thoughtfulness will be remembered forever!!! Rock on Sharpie.

No secrets from me though - I've gotta wait til my entire family'd dead to go spilling that stuff! Wait for the autobiography in 2068.

At 12:13 PM, Blogger macboudica said...

There is just not enough space here for my family's white trash award. Of course bsumner's story definately takes the cake!

Poor woman. Hopefully her daughter can escape the crazieness.

At 9:14 PM, Blogger Sharpie said...

Island Girl.... I have missed you...what happened????

At 11:07 AM, Blogger Comic Mummy said...

In completely unrelated news I'll be spending a whole weekend in Connecticut in just a couple of weeks!!!

I feel more bonded to you already. ;-)

At 10:14 AM, Blogger Island Girl said...

I moved. I didn't have your e-mail addy.

The new digs are at

See you there. :)

At 1:54 PM, Blogger JayMonster said...

Now, I do not know these people (although I have some relatives that certainly fit the mold... almost a litle too well), and understand your point of view completely, but I am going to play devil's advocate (what an appropriate term eh?) for a momment.

That little add-on at the end, may actually simply have been to not only to say thank you but to let you know that no you weren't "omitted" from a baby shower, but that (despite what she may have actually wanted), there was NO baby-shower.

I mean, being in Mini Satan's position, I would be at the very least a little upset that I garnered NO attention, and as you already said, it is of no fault of her own that she was born into THAT family.

(end advocacy)

So, now that the "excuses" have been cleared by the baby's birth, is there any reason Aunt HorseHead (and really you are being far too kind IMNSHO), didn't throw a baby shower afterwards? Sheez! Do any of them actually EVER think about anybody but themselves... for even a momment?

At 8:14 PM, Blogger Sharpie said...

JMonster -

I am in total agreement that she feels rightfully slighted and perhaps was lashing out at the wrong person - but I can not help feel that it was put out there in hopes I would take the bait, feel bad and do something about it.

Aunt Horsehead is an asshole. And no one ever thinks past themselves ever. It IS her own daughter after all.

At 8:16 PM, Blogger Sharpie said...

Crue Girl - I am still waiting for the Kool-aid jar and pink flamingo....or is the check is in the mail kinda thing??


Post a Comment

<< Home