Thank You, Thank You Very Much

Let me tell you a little bit about my extended family (read White Trash expose coming right NOW.) I have a really large family. EXTENDED FAMILY. In our little family - its just me and my awesome Sis. My parents, however, were born into litters.

In my Mom's family there were 13 kids and my Dad's there are 7. That means I have, like 10,000 cousins - because these people, for the most part, are uneducated and lack the common sense to NOT bring another child into the world when your only employment is at the local BAGEL FUCKING SHOP! Ahem.

After telling you a bit about "the" uncle - in the Go Ahead Ask Questions post, it is fair to say that we are written off from my mother's side of the family because they think I lied. That we lied. And how dare we talk ill about the dead. Ah huh. Why do you think he blew HIS own head off???? Whatever, I'm over the fact that my own Grandparents choose to turn a blind eye and side with a pedophile - that's their cross to bear and their questions that they'll need to answer to their maker - not me. My conscience is clear.

My father's side is certainly no picnic either. I am certain Sherry has mentioned Auntie Horse Head in a previous post - but to refresh your memories - Horse Head is my father's sister. She is trouble. BIG trouble. Actually she is Satan in a size 20 dress. An ill-fitting dress. With a head as large as, well you guessed it - a horse. She is the most manipulative person I have ever met. And ruthless. And mean. And she lies. AND she thinks everyone OWES her something. Boo hoo she had a bummer of a childhood. Stand in line, sister!! Anyway Horse Head has NEVER had a job. NEVER. She married a much older man and has produced 2 spawns of Satan. (Following along? I know, it's not easy.)

Older daughter, we'll call her I Dropped Out Of College To Marry A FUCKING HUGE Idiot, wait that's too long - how about Living MY Life Through My Daughter Whom I Am Torturing By Social Isolation and Non-Group Involvement Home Schooling Because I Was Picked On In School....wait, that might be too long too....how about One Who Sent A Letter Asking For Money For Her Daughter To Take Acting Lessons...remember Sherry's post??? I'll wait - go read.... Ok - now that everyone is caught up...

YOUNGER sister, (Mini Satan) one who's husband slept with other GROSS cousin and she divorced him.... she went and got herself knocked up. By someone at work. Who dropped her faster than The Tower of Terror when the strip turned pink. Mini Satan is not the nicest of people. Actually she's foul-mouthed in ALL times and racy enough to make ME blush. She's ignorant and moody and horrible in general.

HOWEVER.

I have always liked Mini Satan.

Probably because she has always been the Black Sheep of her immediate family. I think I have always felt she started off bad being born into her unfortunate household and had she been put into another situation, I'm sure she would have had a fighting chance. And now this. She moved back into Auntie HorseNoggin's house after the divorce and has not left. She was going back to school to be some sort of Emergency Room Assistant and I cheered for her at the safe distance of my own home. These people are not the sort to have over your house. They never leave. They do not bring anything. They do not lift a finger. And they never miss an opportunity to mention how YOU have MORE than them and WOULDN'T it be SO nice to share. I don't fucking think so. I work hard for the money....sing it....... (I know you know the words - stop acting like I'm the only one!!)

So.

I waited to get a baby shower invitation. None came. I waited to get a birth announcement ..... BAHHHHHAAAAHAAAAHAA...sorry I KILL me..... AS IF?! What DID come was an email of the newest arrival from OLDER sister with pictures of the baby, Older sister's daughter with baby and Older sister's Nut Job of a husband with baby. No picture of Mom with New baby. Weird??? Maybe. But, I looked like shit right after both births and would have gutted you like a fish with a box cutter had you EVEN THOUGHT about bringing in anything that would permanently document I REALLY DID look like that. So, maybe not so weird.

I email cousin and say appropriate Congrats New Auntie and ask what New Mom needs or did not get from her shower, as I would like to send something. Cousin says - she'll check because they DID NOT have a shower for her. WHAT?! No shower for the unwed, still living at home new mom?? Listen, I am not so old school that I think there is anything WRONG with her having this baby - quite the contrary - I am happy she chose to keep it and perhaps be forced into learning some responsibility. Nor does anyone in that family, have such high morals that they were hiding her away and keeping the baby a secret. And, its not like she's 14 - she's in her 30's. The story I am told is, New Mom, was very sick through whole pregnancy and they were unsure if even she was going to make it. So, no shower - so they wouldn't have to return the gifts or something. Morbid, no?

Ok, so I decide to get a Gift Card from Toys R Us, figure she can buy what she needs, right? Not like I SEE this cousin or even in the realm of calling each other. A gesture. Because I can. $50. I bought a nice card - wrote a short note wishing everyone well and dropped it in the mail fully aware that I would probably never get a response, let alone a thank you card. And I was OK with that. I took much flack from my parents about this. They thought I should not bother since this girl is a waste - yadda yadda. I stand firm that whether any of this is true is not my concern, this new baby has no choice to grow up crazy and well if I could help I would.

Yesterday, while dodging rain drops (AGAIN), I got the mail and in it was a little card addressed to our family from none other than the cousin. I BEAMED. She HAD changed. She had sent a thank you card.

I ripped it open and saw this...



Nice enough, no?

And here's what was inside...



Need a BETTER look??



In case you missed it....It Says "Every little bit helps since I didn't have a baby shower."

She WROTE THAT, in my THANK YOU CARD. To THANK ME for my $50 Gift Card Gift!! That I sent on MY OWN accord.

We have a classy family, no?? So, tell me, dear blogfriends, what in hell, your families have done to shock you.
I have to go poke forks in my eyes in preparation for the "I Told You So's" soon to ensue from my parents. Go.....