Friday Randomness

(First of all, all of your toothbrush stories absolutely KILLED me - how funny IS that. And, well...GROSS.)

Since its FINALLY Friday (I struggled through this week) I only feel it fitting to end it as scattered as the week felt.

1. I may, or may not be taking Miss Thing to the dr.'s today as she has been sporting a low-grade fever and slight sore throat since Sunday. I'm holding off because we have the WORST insurance on earth right now (waiting for DH to be hired permanently) and it will cost be upwards of $200 for him to tell me she has a cold. I can SO feel the Mother Of The Year Award coming my way!!!!

2. I had my virgin voyage to IKEA yesterday, along with my sister and the 4 kids. I did purchase a few things, including a lovely organizer for my office. One question, can they POSSIBLY be bigger or have more stuff at ridiculously cheap prices? WOW.

3. My office is clean for the first time in about 6 months. THIS is the double-edged sword though, its clean because I have not been really busy. NOW, I can SEE I haven't been busy, ya see? Thanks IKEA.

4. I have had no milk or eggs in my house for the last 3 days. WTF?? (Mother of the Year...)

5. I need to buy all the ingredients for the appetizers I am to bring to the annual DH's Side of the Family July 4th Picnic. (Maybe I'll remember the milk and eggs...)

6. And lastly, here's my bracelet....



What is everyone's plans for the 4th??

Gag Me With Your Toothbrush

To say that I have an ISSUE with my kids mouth hygiene is an understatement. I DEMAND that there is extensive brushing AND flossing. This is mostly because I can not stand the thought of having to hold either of them down when the dentist comes at them with a NEEDLE for their MOUTH.

Ever the constant threat - they brush. We even have a timer, as Miss Thing is a mouth breather and collects plaque like seashells. So, every morning and night, the timer is set to 3 minutes and they are TO BRUSH. I realize 3 minutes exceeds the dentist recommended 2 minutes of brushing - but, if your kids are like mine, they are just holding the battery-powered toothbrush to their teeth for at LEAST 1 minute anyway. I figure it works out about right.

Last night, after a long Justice League movie (we are gearing up for the Super Man Returns Movie that my biggest child, DH, HAS TO SEE TONIGHT IN THE THEATER WITH ALL OF US). OK. I sent the kids to go brush their choppers, while I set about doing various chores. Lil Man got there first. I heard the drawer open, the water turn on and a moment later the buzz of the battery-powered toothbrush. OK. All sounded good. UNTIL. Until Miss Thing, in all her lazy, unhurried gate, ever trying to stay up a wee bit more by procrastinating, enters the bathroom. I am in my office, across from the bathroom. I can hear everything.

Miss Thing - (audible gasp) "IS THAT MY TOOTHBRUSH?!?!?!" (He's been brushing for 2 of the 3 minutes by now.)

I couldn't help but gasp myself, because A) Ew, ew, ew B) she has like a Bratz toothbrush, and his is Batman and C) because I really wasn't sure what she might do to him.

Lil Man - (genuinely surprised and VERY remorseful) "Sorry Aggey - Sorry - I didn't know."

Now I have my hand clasped over my mouth to try to keep the laughter in.

Miss Thing (inaudible hushed tones and I'm SURE she ripped it out of his hand) "Gross - HOW COULD YOU USE MY TOOTHBRUSH?!"

Lil Man - "Really, I'm Sorry - It was an accident." He leaves the bathroom and hops in bed.

She continues to berate him from the bathroom. I go in to tuck him in. He looks SO sad. DH is just coming up the stairs.

Me - "Stop yelling at your brother - it was an accident - PLUS, it's NO BIG DEAL. I use Daddy's ALL.THE.TIME."

This part was a total lie - because I would gag and possibly throw up if ever it touched the inside of my mouth - but I was making a point here.

DH comes in just in time to hear me say I may or may not be using his toothbrush. His expression is half shock, half smirk. Because he knows I kid. I am a kidder.

I lean down to kiss Lil Man and lie my head on his pillow. He really is sorry. I can tell. He wears his emotions on his sleeve. "Don't worry about it - she'll get over it."

DH with a twinkle in his eye, and his voice dropped asks, "What happened?"

Me - "He used her toothbrush to brush his teeth."

DH is now giggling like a little girl - "Oh MY GOD - he did?! Does she know?" TEE HEE TEE HEE

I sit up now - I really can't take it when he laughs - it makes me laugh hysterically - we are directly over Lil Man who keeps trying to interject that it was an accident - but we keep on whisper-talking.

Me - "Yeah - she CAUGHT him - with HER toothbrush in HIS mouth!"

DH is near hysterics now and trying very hard to keep his voice low as Miss Thing is right down the hallway and probably able to hear all of this.

Lil Man just can't take it anymore and sits up and says "IT WAS AN AC-----CI-----DENNNNNTTT."

I have to calm him down because he is feeling so bad about this. "Don't worry kiddo. Really. Its no big deal. I use Daddy's toothbrush all the time."

He turns to DH for confirmation, he also knows I kid.

DH nods his head as it's really all he can do. I know he doesn't trust that hysterical laughter will not erupt if he dares to open it.

Lil Man "Really, Mom?"

Me - I am whispering now - really close to his face - "And you know what? I use it to brush my butt."

Lil Man turns to again get confirmation - but DH is no where to be found.

He would later tell me he went to tuck in Miss Thing, but I know he went to sniff his toothbrush for any scent of ass. I was almost certain I would have found it in the trash. I nearly peed myself drifting off to sleep seeing him smell his toothbrush every morning. Oh, how I love to fuck with him.

You Donkey!!

Have you guys seen this show??

Holy shit - I have NEVER been so entertained by food OR the people preparing it.
A Tivo'd favorite for sure.

Newest Obsession

Over the years, I have come to terms with my extreme obsessive-compulsive disorder. By come to terms, I mean that I no longer engage in HARMFUL obsessions like I used to. Gone are the days of smoking, drinking and other dangerous activities. I no longer ache for the thrill rush that once drove me through my days. I am now content to watch others enjoy their thrill-seeking with a panic-induced heart attack. In short, I am a wimp of my former self. I used to LOVE the rides at an amusement park. The HIGHER, the FASTER the more RIDICULOUS - I rode 8 times at the very least - NOT HOLDING ON. NOW?! Now, my friends, I am holding on for dear life on the Merry-Go-Round. Yes, shamefully, it's true.

FEAR is hard to contain when trying to be Bad-Ass in front of your kids. So, I still suck it up for the occasional Tower of Terror



But that's about all this Old Girl can take.

Gone are the countless concerts. I have seen everything from Tommy Lee fall from the ceiling to the Dean of my college (my BOSS) at a Motley Crue Concert. I HAD to SEE all the bands that came through. Now? Now, I'd rather spend my money on these...





My Newest Obsession.
They are called Pandora Bracelets and while probably NOT new to YOU - they are to me. The concept is quite simle, the bracelet is a plain band in sterling or gold or any combo that would blow your skirt up. THEN. The obsessive part. YOU GET TO PICK ANY charm YOU like to put onto YOUR bracelet. They are not really charms, more like beads. And they range in price from $16.00 to $300.00 depending on what you want. The idea is its like a charm bracelet, only modern. They have initial beads, glass beads, beads to commemorate a time in your life (wedding, birth, etc.) and everything in-between. Best part?? They have EVERY size bracelet to fit every no wrist, big arm girl out there (ME! ME!)

When I originally made the purchase of the bracelet and 5 beads - I thought I would be content to wait for a REASON to buy another. I CAN'T STOP EBAYING THEM. I bought 7 more over the weekend. I estimate that with my LARGE size bracelet - I would need at least 30 to complete the bracelet. My favorite color is blue - and boy do they have some stunning blue charms. They are shiny and pretty and being part crow I love all shiny things. I will post a picture of my bracelet some time this week when I get my new beads.

So, while I try to work and obsessively watch for the UPS guy - tell me what YOUR latest obsessions are.

One Penny, 2 Dimes and a Black Eye

I think I may or may not have told you that DH is 100% Italian. Born and bred in Italy. See, why I married him - he is gorgeous....

Ahem, but I digress. One of the many stereotypes about Italians is that they horde their money. THEY DO. Horde, maybe is the wrong word - but guard-away-in-a-safe-place-not-necessarily-a-bank-because-they-trust-no-one-with-their-money-is. And apparently, it's genetic. As, you may remember, Miss Thing had her 1st Communion where she received enough money to buy a freaking car - so this was put away until I could get to the bank WITH them in-tow, as they have the same mistrust for the banking establishment as their father. I wanted to PROVE to them they were in good hands.

As a thank you gift, Miss Thing's teacher had given them a 50 States Quarters holder and we set about the house seeing if we had any. I had, pushed out of my head, the fact that we had a HUGE jar of coins in my bedroom closet. TOO heavy to even lift. Between the cars, that jar and various other places - we found all but 2 that were out. TOO BE CLEAR - that's like $9.00 in quarters with all the DIFFERENT states!! THAT'S how much change we had in the house!! While looking for the 25¢ pieces in my sons Piggy Bank - I discovered he had squirreled away $250.00 bucks in THAT bank!! I decided tomorrow we would head off to the bank and bring this change with us. Whatever the amount - the kids could split. I figured, for a fun learning lesson, we'll roll the coins. So the kids and I separated and rolled coins for hours. 3 hours. By my count, we had around $215.00 worth of change.

Off to the bank the following morning. NO ONE else in bank. Whoo-hoo - must be my lucky day. I write out deposit tickets for kids accounts and head over to tellers, with heaviest box of rolled coins in the world.

Blonde Teller "Ohhhhhhh sorry - we don't accept rolled coins here." Much shifting under desk. Comes up with a tupperware bowl, hands it to me and instructs me to walk to the end where I can UNROLL ALL THE FUCKING COINS AND EMPTY INTO THE BOWL.

Me "Are you kidding?"

Male Teller (most assurdely he's gay - I'll name him Casey since I didn't have the good sense to look at his name tag) "I'll help you." Trots over.

I am mostly grumbling to myself, as I find this a HUGE waste of time - and there are FOUR FUCKING tellers doing NOTHING - WHY THE FUCK AM I unrolling these coins. BUT, I am trying to teach the kids - bank is goooooddddddd. So I am biting the inside of my cheek and say nothing.

Casey - Trying to be SO nice, whispers in conspiratory tones - "Sorry about this." Louder, "Are you on your way to the beach?"

Me - "Ah, nooooo." Weird question - I'm not in my tankini or anything.

Casey or maybe its Brody or Brandon - why the fuck didn't I look - "Oh cuz you're SO tan."

(Let me take a moment here to tell you all that I am USUALLY the whitest person ON EARTH!! Transparent - Toe-tag white by ALL accounts. BUT, thanks to modern technology and my handsome man up there, I can rub on a pretty excellent fake tan.) None of which, I tell Noah, do you think it was Noah??

ANYWAY. All coin unrolled - hand it to teller along with previous deposit tickets. I figured, stupid, stupid ME, that they would do THAT while the change was counting and THEN deposit the additional amount from the change. Ah no. I had to wait until it was all counted - then re-do slips with the money in the deposit.

Back to Blonde Teller - she counts money I handed to her - but OBVIOUSLY since she was the one who took the coins - KNOWS that money (the coins) will not be there right, right? Wrong. She sat there stumped!!! Had to call someone OVER!! AND, I really fucked them over because the amount was $214.32 and I decided to make it EASIER - I would split it $107.00 and $107.32 - not split the change. While the manager and brainiac Blonde Teller try to do the higher math - I heard my new friend Bryce talking through the drive-thru microphone.

Bryce - "uuuummmmmm, are you like Kymberly's husband?????"

Voice from microphone, BOOMING, large man by my guess - "No you freaking idoit, I AM Kymberly. It's MY name." some grumbling from outside.

I am near hysterics as my new friend turns to me and says, "Have you ever? Psss. What-ev-er."
I think Brandon should watch his back leaving the bank - as I am certain Kym was gonna give him five smackers right in the eye.

It took me 45 minutes to deposit money into my kids accounts. 45 fucking minutes!! Nearly an hour! And I didn't even wait in a line. (thanks God) I think my family has decided to hide their money in a better spot so I won't force them to go to the bank again. Dh says that's what I get for trying to force the kids to part with their money. Ugghh.

And on another Italian note. My husband is a huge fan of the World Cup, particularly of the Italian team. I pretend to watch it with interest - but just so I could see this guy - Gennaro Guttuso. But, don't tell him - he thinks I enjoy sitting with him learning about the game. ;-)

I Stink Like A Dead Fish

This statement was one that was used in my family fairly often. Most of the time, it was to promote trash talking. For example, while playing basketball in the back yard, and if you threw up a ball that landed like a brick - "You stink like a dead fish." Or if you dropped your entire dish of spaghetti on the floor - "I stink like a dead fish." Though, you tried not to HAVE to say that, being a family without filters, someone usually told you if it were true. I suppose, being an outsider, this might sound terrible - but I guess it is better than "You suck." Which is what it meant.

This post kept me up all night. (Or maybe it was the 2 iced coffees from Dunkin Donuts.) No matter. I tossed and turned and got up and down more times than I can count. I had a "not right" feeling. Not right, indeed.

Let me start in the beginning. I have a BF, no - see that's not right - she's not REALLY my BF - more like someone I have known since the 6th grade. We talk daily. Mostly, she talks and I listen as she is going through a particularly hard stretch with her hubby. So, we are good friends. Everyone following along?

This friend has a particularly ANNOYING habit of sending out little barbs to you at every chance. A passive aggressive attack EVERY day. I suppose this needs an example - because right now I sound like a whiny bitch.

Last year when we and 4 other couples were at their house for New Year's Eve. We had all dressed up - put on our Big Girl clothes and came to have a great time. BF had just gotten back from a silent auction where she had WON a stunning diamond necklace - FOR FREE! She had it on. (She has that kind of luck - BUT never really is happy anyway - actually talked about returning it for something else - because of one reason or another). It was beautiful. That Christmas, my husband had surprised me with a beautiful (though not nearly as huge) diamond necklace. I LOVED IT. It was so pretty. I had also worn mine. During dinner, a guest at the party says to me, "Gee Sharpie - your necklace is BEAUTIFUL." Before I could even get Thank You out - BF barks from across the room (I SWEAR TO GOD) "Too bad its not REAL like MINE!" And laughs this wicked laugh. All the guests gasped. It was so inappropriate. I said, kinda laughing, to defuse to situation, "It IS real...." Her answer? "Yeah - but not as BIG as mine." WTF?? I mean, what the fuck IS that??

And that is how it is on a constant basis. She is always in competition with me. The problem (besides that I don't usually even acknowledge her digs) - there is no way TO compete. We live entirely different lives. We are SO different. Its like comparing apples and yogurt. She does not work. Has never been to college. Does not feel the need to organize/and or clean her home or anything else for that matter. They are a single income family with her husband driving trucks locally. She also has 4 kids. 4 monsters - I mean that. I actually despise one of them - who has PUNCHED me on more than one occasion. (Can you imagine someone's child PUNCHING you - I had to leave because she didn't even make him apologize.) They are on a tight budget. Not that any of that is good or bad. She is deeply religious. She is a wonderful cook. She knows ALL the bargains. She is a born athlete - as are all her kids. We are just DIFFERENT. Part of that is the money issue. I know for a fact that we make 2 1/2 times more than them. That makes for very different lifestyles. That is just fact.

One that has NEVER made me want to not be friends AT ALL. But sometimes, its hard.

If I go get my nails done - that's a waste of money.

When we bought our above ground pool - she would have spent the money and gotten an in-ground. And a heater - because ours is too damn cold for her.

You see what I'm saying - this is EVERY DAY. Sometimes it's really hurtful. She is NEVER happy for me. If anything she makes me second guess myself. (OK I DO sound like a little whiny bitch - but read on.)

Everything you do - she puts you down for. And anything she does is the best thing EVER. I learned a LONG time ago - that all of this stems from her unhappiness with her situation. She would love to do the things she barbs you about - so to make herself feel better - she bites at you.

The problem?

I have started to do it back. I actually LOOK for things to say to piss her off. I HAVE NEVER DONE this before in my life. I actually can't even BELIEVE it comes out of my mouth sometimes. I don't like myself doing this.

In short, I stink like a dead fish.

What kind of a person does that? Maybe I need to stop being friends with her. My REAL BFF (my husband) has said this on MANY occasions. He hates that I let her get the best of me daily. Says he can't BELIEVE I don't give it back to her like I would any stranger. Says she's not really a friend anyway because real friends make you feel good about yourself. Ah huh, I see.

Well, if that's the definition - then I'm really the stinky dead fish.

Tell me, what would you do?

Ahhhhh Summer

There is something almost kinda magically about the season of Summer here on the East Coast. Its like Christmas in a way. You tick off the days on your calendar in anticipation of its big arrival, starting right after the snow starts to melt. The trees seem to sprout buds overnight and the flowers are up and in bloom behind your back. And the first day you sit outside with your face pointed up to the sky and the warmth of the sun actually makes you smile. It brings you back to your childhood like a slingshot.

I love summer.

I love the sun. I love the trees and the flowers and the birds and the grass. Nothing makes me happier than to walk through the grass in my bare feet. Isn't it the greatest feeling?

I love to float in the pool. I love to listen to the kids squealing with pure joy at jumping off the side AGAIN and AGAIN. I love the creak of the swingset (especially when my ass is on it). I love to play bacci and volleyball and all the summer games.

I LOVE cooking out on the grill. The smell of hotdogs and hamburgs and steaks and chicken. Oh - the salads. Macaroni, Potato, Coleslaw - to die for. And deviled eggs - why is it you can ONLY get a deviled egg in the summer??

AND, I love the kids being home. I love the lazy ways of summer. No pressing schedules to attend to. PJs are an acceptable outfit far into the afternoon. I love the looks of contentment when they are parked in front of the computer or tv or their favorite set of toys knowing they can play for hours if they want to. IF THEY WANT TO. See, that's it. You can do whatever you WANT to. All the activities of the school year are over. No more sports. No more reports. No homework. And with me working from home, I get to enjoy that with them. Perhaps even more than I SHOULD sometimes.

And the TV execs get it too. There are NO new shows that must be TiVo'd or rush the kids to bed so that you don't miss the McDreamys of the world. HBO has nothing to offer. I have been sucked in by almost ALL of there series. Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Big Love, Deadwood (for a while), Bill Maher, Curb Your Enthusiam, and even Oz. But alas, there is nothing right now.

So, thank you HBO. Thank you Mother Nature. Thank you for reminding me to stop and smell the flowers and soak up some sunshine with my two best little friends in the whole wide world. If anyone needs me, I'll be floating in the pool. And if you do stop by, bring me a frozen drink will ya? Its hot as hell out here.

Well, I Didn't Win The Wet T-Shirt Contest

That title would have gone to Chris F.'s mom - who by anyone's definition, would be a MILF. AND she plays in a BAND. How much cooler of a mom could you be, seriously?!? That kid is gonna sell tickets to his mother's undies drawer and make a KILLING. He already plays guitar, too. I am so NOT cool.

The ice cream social went well. As I predicted, there was far too much ice cream against a stifling hot classroom in the middle of June - so the room won. There was much limbo-ing and leis and ice cream mustaches. Do you know that faced with multiple choices for ice cream toppings, gummy bears win out hands down?? I didn't either. Cuz, eww - I don't need that much chewing in my ice cream.

I also didn't know that I was lactose intolerant - but I found THAT out after 2 ice cream parties. Uh huh.

Maybe I should have just said no - but its so hard when there is Cookie n Cream on the table. I mean - I have no restraint when it comes to that. WTF?

Today is the Official End Of Year for us. Both kids are home from the last half day. Here's the latest in PTO Manipulation....they have coupled with Chuck E Cheese to raise money for a fundraiser by hosting an event (today) that every purchase of food or tokens, the PTO gets a certain amount. They actually STUCK stickers on the kids that scream 10 FREE TOKENS TODAY ONLY!! Guess where mine are begging to go?

So, we'll be having bad pizza and playing skeeball tonight at the local Chuck E Cheese. SHUT UP!! I have to TRY to be the cool mom sometimes. Make mine pepperoni - hold the gummy bears.

A Few Definitions

VIGILANTE:

: a member of a volunteer committee organized to suppress and punish crime summarily


SLANDER:

1 : the utterance of false charges or misrepresentations which defame and damage another's reputation
2 : a false and defamatory oral statement about a person.


THREATEN:

to warn that one will do harm or cause damage



Name calling, bullying and legal terms are not getting you anywhere - you pathetic windbag. The only reason you bait on is in hopes that there will be a surge of influx to your unoriginal, contentless site.

Boycott all you like. I'm sure those 3 visitors you get will make a huge impact on my life. NOT. I don't write this blog for you asshole. I write it for me.

I suggest if you don't like the way I play - you take your ball and GO HOME!! Fucking Retard.

Ice Cream Sociopath

Today happens to be the LAST FULL day of school for the 2 little hellions. And I can honestly say I really GLAD. No more reports, Megans moms and the like. I am happily anticipating the 2 days before I wish they were back in school. Cuz, that's all it takes.

But before I can tell the school to kiss my big lily-white ass - There is Beach Party Thursday.

And WHAT, you may ask, goes on during Beach Party Thursday? Ice cream sundaes of course - it makes perfect sense. Just like candy and razor blades. And guess who got called on a SUNDAY afternoon to be asked to organize Ice Cream Social in Lil Miss's class????? Oh yes, the most SOCIAL mother around...me. SOCIOPATH, maybe. Social...uh, no.

I had a choice - call all the other fake moms and beg them to bring their pasty-white asses into school with a 1/2 gallon of chocolate/vanilla/strawberry or buy it all myself. I contemplated - BELIEVE ME!!

But the list was as follows:
5 - 1/2 gallons ice cream (Is it ONLY me that thinks that is a ridiculous amount for 22 kids?!)
2 - RediWhips
Juiceboxes (at least 22)
Spoons
Wet toppings (2-3)
Sprinkles (2-3)

I started adding it up and shit - I started dialing. I EVEN called Megans mother. YES, I DID. I may be a lot of things - but a Grudge Holder I ain't - so I am over it.

Thank god I only have to bring the ice cream and not my bathing suit. But, I think I MIGHT have a shot at the wet t-shirt contest.... I'll let you know.

Don't Be Afraid

I have to laugh a little, thinking about how some of you read my last post laughing about the RATT pic I posted and then getting smacked with the downer of the next question.

I don't mean to laugh about it, as its not funny. But, I have lived with this my whole life and have had time to process it, unlike the baseball bat to the head, you all received. Sorry. I should have had a disclaimer. I could ALMOST see you all run out of the room. Sitemeter says 70 people came and darted out faster than if your pants were on fire. Only a few posted. NO BIG PEOPLE. Don't be afraid of the truth. Its what sets you free.

I think the reason things are taboo is because we DON'T talk about them. Don't share our feelings. Keep it a SECRET. Perpetuates the whole thing.

I for one, have never been known to be a quiet girl. (STOP laughing SHERRY!!!!!)

I am a little forward, I know. Brash, perhaps? Maybe. But, always honest. (NO FILTER INDEED)

Don't be afraid. I'm not. Not any more.

You People Are SO Deep

And here I thought I would attract a more low-brow following, what with my filthy mouth and all. I didn't expect such difficult questions - sheesh - but here they are, to the best of my meager abilities.


1. What's the meaning of life?

Though I have never been much of a philosopher, I do have some theories. I think the meaning of life is all about our own abilities. The ability to Laugh. The ability to See Things Clearly. The ability to Learn From Our Mistakes. The ability to Forgive and Be Forgiven. The ability to Love Unconditionally. The ability to Learn Life's Lessons on a daily basis. All of the above, I have been able to see clearly through the eyes of my kids.

And to rip-off Billie Joel,"Happiness is an EXTREME, looking around and going everything is OKAY is what is the norm. Contentment is living."


2. Thin or Thick Crust Pizza?

Absolutely thin. My favorite pizza - bacon and onion.


3. How did you and hubs meet?

He hired me. No, not off the streets. I was 19, looking for a waitressing job, my freshman year of college. I had gone to 8 restaurants looking for a job, the 9th was the restaurant he was a cook at. I had no experience, so, no one was eager to hire me. He took my application. He was wearing a KISS t-shirt, I remember. (Of course, he was.) I got a call that night from the owner to start the following day. I was thrilled. I really needed a job that worked around my school schedule.

I found out later that he had written "NICE" on the top of my application, which was code for good looking and that he wanted me hired. He chased me around for a while. I shot him down more than a few times. And later, I decided to go out with him as he had a really nice car and more money than any of the art guys I knew - so, at the very least we could go have a good time. I figured it would be "FUN". (Makes me sound really shallow, no? I was going to art college full time, working full time to pay for my apartment and car and only eating at the place I was now employed.) He turned out to be different from all the long-haired band types I had been dating (the complete opposite actually) and I really feel in love with him. Plus, he has a huge cock.


4. Do you, like myself, get a little kick out of it when the secret word verification letters in the comments section accidentally spell dirt words?

I have never had the good fortune to actually have that happen to me. But, being as juvenile as I am, I would laugh hysterically and secretly hope for it to happen daily.


5. Do you plan on having any more children?

This one is easy. FUCK NOOOOOOO.


6. Your husband and your kids fall overboard on a cruise and you are only able to save EITHER your husband or your kids...who would live?

Did my husband put you up to this?

Because it sounds suspiciously like a question he posed to me way back when Miss Thing was born. She was not even a week old. I was on our bed, just oogling her and he was clearly jealous of my deep and unconditional love I had for her, even though we had just met. "You like her more than me." Me, surprised...."NO, no I don't. Its just different". (This was a total lie - but I could tell he really was upset by his rank in the family moving a notch down.)

He asked, "So, if we were all at the top of a cliff and she and I fell, who would you catch - because you could only save one of us."

Without a seconds hesitation I said, "Her. I would save her."

He was so hurt. I could tell it immediately, so to try to make a joke out of it - I said, "Well I still have stitches from the episiotomy, so she would be lighter."

He told me that if it were him he would save all of us or go over with us.

I suppose that IS the proper answer. However, I stick by my original answer - I'm saving my kids.


7. Would you rather run around your office once naked or make out with the most unattractive colleague for 30 minutes?

I could never run around naked - I would die of embarrassment - so it would have to be the unattractive colleague. Does it count if its a female? Hey - I've never done any of the above - so don't knock it until you try it.... or have I???

8. Would you rather have a unibrow you could never pluck or be bald for 10 years?

The unibrow, as I could cover that with the bangs from my long locks, ala Stephen Piercey from RATT.




9. What is your biggest regret in life and why?

This one is big. It still hurts my soul and even now just writing it, I am welling up. It stems from the abuse sustained by a family member. I regret that I was not a stronger person to stop the abuse that I (and subsequently my little sister) had to endure. I regret that as a child, I willed myself to believe that he did not do to her the things he did to me. And even though I was very small, I think some part of me knew he was. I regret that as the older sister I did not protect her as I should have. I regret not asking her until so many years later. I regret that he probably did it to other girls because I didn't tell. I regret that my mother is a different person since we told her. I regret that we spent so many years with this by ourselves. I have never said any of these things to my sister. I regret that.

I do NOT, however regret that every January, I have a drink all by myself, to celebrate the day he went into the backyard and blew his head off. I do regret it had not been sooner. I also regret, that I did not get to piss on his grave, as I had plotted and planned since around the age of 7, because he was cremated.


10. What's the best and worst advice you've ever received?

Best advice - Don't eat yellow snow. And - It doesn't hurt to ask, because if you don't, you already have "No". Thanks Dad.

Worst Advice - Letting the hairdresser "Richie" talk me into the Dorothy Hammel Haircut.


11. School Uniforms, for/against and why?
AGAINST - because they are gay. And SO uncool.

12. Sleep training. Yes/No Why?
I mean I enjoy a good cry now and then - but I try not to let it put me to sleep. Seriously though, NO, absolutely never was I able to listen to my child scream for me. Fuck Ferber.


12. What are your secret talents and/or side show skills?

Secret talents - I make pretty creative invitations, I have been told I am an excellent baker (not cook), I can make any fake flower arrangement as good as anything you have seen in the stores (for a whole lot less), I've been told I have a knack for decorating my house, I have been known to make doll clothes for the demon American Girl Doll WITHOUT pattern on a whim, I make pretty cool jewelry, and I painted everyone I know Christmas Ornaments. Wow, I don't know if that was talents or my membership into the Lamest Mother On Earth Club.

As for side show talents - well - I can't sing or dance but I have been told I am pretty funny and can tell a joke/story. If I could TELL you some of the stories I write here - they would be MUCH funnier. Ask my sister, she usually hears them before she reads them.


13. What's your most disgusting favorite food?
Most disgusting favorite food - Pepperoni and Peanut butter. I know, I KNOW. Try it.

Seriously, I expected much simpler questions, like what my name was or if I picked my nose. Thanks for playing along.

How Creepy Is It....

That on our actual Anniversary yesterday, that we both bought each other the SAME EXACT Anniversary card???? Seriously. What are the odds of that? Has that EVER happened to anyone?? I mean, there are hundreds of cards to pick from!!

Q & A

UPDATED to add: Since Blogger has been such a Bitch WHORE the last 2 days - I am leaving the comments open and will answer all questions on Monday AFTER the big 10th Year Anniversary Extravaganza that is this weekend.

I know that Q&A is not nearly as fun as T&A - it never is - but since I have a shitload of work today - here's what a propose....

You ask me any question you want and tomorrow I will post the answers. And sadly, because I have no filter, as I've told you before, you'll get the truth.

OK?

Fire away.

A Letter

Dear Megan's Mom-

When you approached me in the beginning of the school year to tell me the awfully hard time your poor, poor angel daughter was having because of mean ole (insert girl name here) and was wondering if I could speak to MY daughter on her behalf. See, it was not MY daughter being mean. She liked my daughter. Oh ok. And well, Megan's mom - you appealed to me - not only as a mom of a daughter - but also as a grown-up girl who can remember all too well the horrific escapades of being a girl not in the "in-crowd". So. Against better judgment I spoke to Miss Thing. I FORCED the issue of friendship even pulling your daughter into an extra-curricular activity so she could befriend your little precious daughter.

My daughter did what obedient little girls do. She was her friend.

And as the school year progressed I noticed more and more my daughter was distraught. SO overwhelming was your daughters needy grasp. Miss thing was drowning in it. Still I pressed her. She had no one else. "How would YOU like to not have any other friends?" How I choke on those words.

And last month brought you back to my face, dear Megan's mother. To tell me Miss Thing, was "Being so very mean to her precious petunia. And ALL because of the way she dressed." GASP here appropriately.

I told her I would speak to my daughter. When the full story unfolded, it seems Miss Thing relayed a message from (insert girls name here) to Megan who DEMANDED to know what other girl had said. Other girl had said she didn't like her clothes. "Why I asked?" "Because she still dresses in pull-on pants with gumballs on them. No ONE, being 8 years old would be caught dead." Uh huh. I explain she need not get involved. She need to distance herself as Megan makes all the rules - only allows Miss Thing to do what she wants never playing with other girls. Something Miss Thing DESPERATELY wanted. She tells me Megan lies getting her in trouble - holding it over her head so she HAS to play with her. Hmmm. So the precious girl is not all the mom sells her as. "You can play with whomever you choose." I spoke to you Megan's mother and explained all of this. Explained that I spoke to my daughter told her to be mindful of your babies feelings - as there were friends.

Fast forward to today.

As I walk across open lot of Field Day and see my daugther weeping at what is the MOST fun day of the entire year - you try to cut me off. Say you need to speak to me. In a moment. I speak to my daughter, who is hysterical, because YOU Megan's mother screamed in her face about how she was being mean to poor Megan for playing with another girl and that she should be nice and play with Megan.

And be mindful of the fact that as I walked over to you, Megan's mother, and asked you what was going on and you told me you had SPOKEN to my daughter - I SUGGEST that you count yourself lucky that I merely said thru clenched teeth that you were NEVER to speak to my daughter. I, god damn it, I SPEAK to my daughter. And instead of the raised eyebrows and surprised look - you should be thanking your stars that I didn't choke the fucking life out of you in front of your three precious children. Or rather drag you beaten body to the dunk tank where I watched your eyes glaze over, you fucking cunt.

How fucking DARE you. You didn't yell you say. I say I don't give a fuck. My kid is crying. Oh, yours too? I don't give a shit anymore. I don't give a shit what the fuck she says. You say there are other sides to my daughters story. I'm sorry, did you just call my kid a liar on top of everything else??? Seriously?? That you did not speak to her? Oh you did speak to her - then she is not a fucking liar, asshat.

I should have called you? No, as I explained I HAVE A FUCKING JOB and these girls can deal with it on their own. Oh I see why she said that, she says. Said what? YOUR daughter, says Megan's mother, said my daughter could get over it. Told her to get it thru her head, she wasn't playing with her and deal with it." I smile.

Good for you Miss thing.

GOOD FOR YOU FOR STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF. And Megan's Mom - DEAL WITH IT.

Big Blue Ball Of Suck

Yes. I said it.

Because its true. What's the big blue ball of suck you ask?

The huge hunk of blue minivan, sitting dead in the water, in the middle of my driveway. My piece of crap, lovingly called the GuineaVan - because of the whole Italian Family thing. She no wanna start. Capishe??

And the glass company that is supposed to come and fix the windshield today (FUNNY how irony is no??) They're not here yet - so I can't even call the tow company to tow the piece of shit to the garage to get fixed. And DH and I had to PUSH the minivan and all its assholedness OUT OF THE GARAGE to get the window fixed...ready??.... And it has started to rain....looks like the sky in the War of the Worlds movie....yes... awesome. Thank you very much. So, I'm guessing the window is not getting fixed and it will leak and then smell like spoiled milk FOREVER or until I drive it off the Sikorsky Bridge. If it even makes it that far.

I'm not sure who I pissed off, Karmacly speaking, but I have had quite a weird run of unfortunate things happen. Starting with the hard drive incident. Moving right through to the minivan and a few in between. Here's the recap.

My son came off the bus on Friday looking like his dog had just gotten run over. (If we had a dog - I would have kicked it by the end of all of this - but AHEM)

"What's the matter?" I ask innocently. HA.

Hysterical crying ensues. Can't make out what he's saying.

"What happened?!"

"You were the ONLY mother NOT there today in school!!"

NOW I am FRANTIC - What the FUCK did I miss. Mad running through my brain, not Field Day, not the Beach Party - Oh MY GOD - Not Kindergarten Graduation. I CAN NOT BE THAT BIG OF A LOSER?!?! Its on a Friday - but not this Friday RIGHT?! RIGHT!!!

Total panic has set in and I am screeching through the house to reach A) my calendar and B) all the notices sent home. He is STILL crying. No, no I have Graduation as NEXT week June 9th - not today. Calling friend to verify - no its next week. Pit in stomach I think it is eating the lining. What the fuck did I miss? Email teacher. No answer. Call 2 of Lil Man's friends mothers. No answer.

Finally get a call back. It was Volunteer Appreciation Day. And guess who was not invited?? Uh huh. Because I work and do not go in to help the teacher cut paper - which DO NOT even get me started on how I think that is all a load of crap anyway - so, no soup for me. Me and 2 other loser moms not invited.

OUCH. I'm over it - Lil Man has not quite recovered - but he will. I'm really NOT upset about not being invited as I don't volunteer - I just wish they would have given me a heads up - so I could explain to him that I wasn't going to be there.

WHATEVER.

Then as if to wash it all away - the skies opened up and poured like I have never seen. Coming down at a recorded 13 inches an hour (can you fucking believe that??!!) it flooded our basement. First time in 6 years we've lived here. Of course it did.

That was the kinda day I was having. See what I am saying about the Karma thing??

Well, I am going to try to wash that bad ju-ju out from under my finger nails. Go burn some Sage and do a prayer service.

The big highlight of my weekend came on Saturday in a little black box.



My hubby never was much in holding out with a surprise. Isn't it beautiful? Thank GOD he didn't get the sales girl with the big tits - he can't focus and ends up buying crap. Seriously. It's happened before.