May 08, 2006

Puke, Cake and Jesus In Your Mouth - Not Necessarily In That Order

(Warning: This post is full of gross details on this weekend's encounters as well as a slew of inappropriate Catholic speak - so for the faint of heart - Move On.....Cuz I don't want any emails/comments about how I shouldn't say what I am about to say.)


For the rest of you. You are in for a special treat - because this weekend was FULL of the stuff that makes for a reason to blog. And to help you understand the Freak Show that is my life, I have decided to give you a timeline - ala OJ Simpson trial.

Thursday, May 4th - I blew off work. Went to buy the flowers. Planted them, weeded the yard, and took out all of my garden statues to decorate the yard. I attempted raking, but decided that if I did any more I might actually snap the next persons neck I saw. I did however dig through and clean the dining room - and may have discovered Jimmy Hoffa's body - forensics still out.

Here's my favorite garden piece...

I was feeling pretty good, since I had checked a few things off my list. I still had to clean the whole house, minus the dining room, bake the cake, get last minute items, bake the cake, clean the deck tables, bake the get the idea.

Perhaps I wouldn't be obsessing over the cake if my husband had not said to me no less than 8 times that I should have ordered a cake. Why? You don't think I can do it? Are you nervous? No, he says as he's dialing his brother to pick up 2 dozen pastries from the Italian Bakery. Wow, what a confidence booster, huh?

Friday, May 5th at 1:00 - Hubby calls to tell me - very CASUALLY - that FYI - he's working on Saturday. WHAT the gray fuck?! Are you kidding me I ask? Are you trying to make me jump off the roof I ask BECAUSE I AM THIS CLOSE ALREADY!! Not that I can't clean and bake myself - GOD NO - I don't need him for that. BUT - Lil Man had a soccer game and we, as a family, had a 50th Birthday party to attend at night. SEE? NOT a lot of time to get all that other stuff done and my cloning machine is in the shop. I am ready to FREAK!!

Friday at 6:00pm - go to final Communion Rehearsal (mandatory parent stays - guess who? guess who?) As I listen the to RE administrator giving the kids a pep talk about how to receive the wafer, how it is special and sacred. "You are not to chew with your mouth open. Do not ever take it out of your mouth. After all, it IS JESUS in your mouth". Ah, WHAT?! Not that I wasn't paying attention, but that snapped my head around in a hurry. AND YES, I already know I am going straight to hell for laughing about it. Jesus in your mouth - now that's FUNNY. Not to mention since the Easter season, they took Jesus off the cross. Bare cross. No Jesus up there. I kept inquiring where he was. Where do the KEEP him when not on the cross. In a closet? I may or may not have said the priests bed. WHATEVER. Straight to hell in a handbag. (Please let it be PRADA)

Friday, May 5th at 12:00PM MIDNIGHT - bedroom door opens. Lil Man standing there. MOM? Yes? I just puked in my bed. Oh FREAKING WONDERFUL! Next few hours spent cleaning sheets, walking back in forth from room to room. My Lil Man had the stomach bug BAD. Hubby - in bed ASLEEP AND SNORING - because he had to work the next day.

Friday 3:00AM - I am watching Agnes of God on TV and plotting where I can dig in the back yard to bury my husband and just throw a tarp over so no one notices during the Communion party.

Saturday, May 6th - Cleaned house (see hid most stuff - dusted the rest). And baked the CAKE.

Top of the cake

I was VERY happy with the way it came out.
Fuck him and his pastries.

Saturday, May 6th - Lil Man was still unable to hold anything down, including the chicken nuggets my rocket scientist husband fed him while I ran out to buy suck your fat ass in nylons at the mall. No party for them. Miss Thing and I went to the 50th Birthday Party and had ourselves a nice time in spite of ourselves.

I made the call to leave Lil Man home for all the festivities on Sunday. My dad and BIL stayed with him so we could go to church and out to dinner before returning home for my AWESOME cake and coffee (and yes pastries.) Lil Man was very happy with the arrangement - as he only wanted to lie on the couch and nap. Poor baby. Otherwise, the whole day was beautiful. Miss Thing made out like a bandit. (The biggest perk of being part of a Catholic Italian Family). Money and jewelry were the only gifts.

Thank Jesus (in my mouth) its over.


At 10:59 AM, Blogger HomeFireBlue said...

yep, it's offical. I SO heart you.

That cake is fucking FAB! It's better than fab, it's awesome. How long did that sucker take?!

I'll bet it tastes an assload better than jesus.


At 12:08 PM, Blogger Michele said...

Cake is gorgeous and Lil Miss Thing looks like a perfect little cake topper herself.

Didnt lil man barf all over Disney recently too?

At 12:08 PM, Anonymous sherry said...

You never even mentioned that my children never made one PEEP throughout the entire mass, during dinner or at your house. Or, about the pregnant lady at the restaurant who wasn't wearing a bra and her boobs were bobbing too and fro on the tops of her knees.

It was a lovely day, to be honest.

And, Blue, that cake? So damn good, I had two pieces and suffered a sugar headache. It was all worth it.

At 12:25 PM, Blogger Island Girl said...

You MUST think about writing a book!

You are f-in hilarious.

The cake looked amazing!

I want to hear your side of the story about the pregnant lady at the resturant. *wink*

At 12:46 PM, Blogger Sharpie said...

OK - Here are the answers:

1. Blue - I didn't eat the cake- I ate a pastry. Yes, its true. How fucked up is that?

2. Michele - Yes he did. Puked in the bed - not even awake. CRAZY, no?! And such bad timing.

3. Sherry - Its not all about you and your perfect little children - that's for YOUR site!! LOL! They were too cute for words. And the preggo lady's tits did not bother me as much as seeing your mothers tits out like they were on display. (shivers)

4. Island Girl - a editor/publisher would blow his head off if I ever thought about trying to put together more than rantings. I leave the writing to my sister - although she has totally encroached on my tee designing business. ;-)

At 12:47 PM, Blogger Sharpie said...

sorry - Blue - cake took a few hours to bake friday - and saturday a total of 3 hours to decorate - not too bad.

At 2:08 PM, Anonymous sherry said...

*totally retracting any kid-related comments*

*sticking out my tounge and giving the finger*

*blowing kisses*

At 2:50 PM, Blogger Sheri said...

omg - you & Sherry crack me right the fuck up "*sticking out tongue & giving the finger*".

The cake is beautiful and I'm thoroughly impressed with your Martha Stewart abilities on decorating. wtf??? You probably lay your own eggs too - you are so talented!!

Love the pictures! I hope L'il man is feeling back to normal now. And regarding your hubby.... did you bury the body extra deep?

At 2:57 PM, Blogger Sharpie said...

Sheri -

I am so NOT Martha Stewart - more like the Anti-Martha Stewart. Martha would SO have been my bitch in the big house. (back me up tongue/bird thrower...)

And I'm not sure - but I believe you called me a chicken... Those are fighting words where I come from. Now I guess I am not getting invited out on the camper. Crap. Just my luck. And I'm SURE I could have found a better burial site, er...I mean camp site....

At 11:17 PM, Anonymous sherry said...

Sharpie likes to think she's not the Martha type, but, alas, she is.

A party guest on Sunday said to me, "Sherry, is your house as nice as Sharpie's? She's so talented with the decorating!"

I rest my case.

Plus, she's hot to boot. C'mon, who looks THAT good in a sleeveless dress.

*cluck cluck*

At 12:42 AM, Blogger Louise said...

OMG... You had me at Jesus in the priest's bed!
can't write more... laughing too hard...

At 9:17 AM, Blogger Sharpie said...


Do you just?...... Did you just throw me under the bus, sister o' mine?

Well I never.

*pulls pin with teeth, ready to throw*

AT LEAST I didn't SEW all of my friends gifts for Christmas. And family members. And stockings.


At 3:54 PM, Anonymous sherry said...

Throw you under the bus? ME??? Shush your mouth.


An attractively, appointed house and creativity abound does not a Martha type make (???)

I did say you were hot. Did you miss that?

*wondering what the hell people must think of us now...*

At 10:10 PM, Blogger Comic Mummy said...

Oh man, puke is the pits. I'm not sure why it was even invented. I'm planning to have a rather harsh word to the Big Guy when next we talk...


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