Cocktail Attire +Me

Yes! The big old cocktail attire/fancy-schmancy/bridal shower has arrived and boy am I....... oh fuck me - I just don't want to go. It is my obligation to attend as I am NOT able to attend the wedding and shit I did already RSVP - so I am stuck.

I even did a mini shopping expedition with my sister and found a cute top and black pants. Ya know "The Standard" in big-ass girls attire. NOT that I needed another pair of black pants - I have at least 10 . It was my sister excitedly screaming from the next stall over - "THOSE make your ass look GREAT!" SOLD. She should be a personal shopper on commission.

THEN I ran into the future bride. Not run in - look Oh My GOD what are you doing here? More like I was shopping late and had smoked crack and the gifts I bought for her on-line I SHIPPED TO HER HOUSE. Who's the ass? Huh? One Guess??

So I had to call her to tell me when it came, so I could go pick it up. Here's the best part...... wait for it..... one of the items was on BACKORDER and was shipping separately - to......... drumroll........ her house AGAIN.

"Oh Hi Future Bride, woman I don't seem to care enough to attend your wedding - let alone order shit correctly without having to make you work for it - there will be 2 boxes - give me a call - thanks your Loser Friend." Bu-bye.

So tonight from 6 - 10pm I will be rubbing elbows and my other arm fat along side the beautiful people that will be there - all of which are a size 4 and under. Can you guess who will stick out? Anyone? Beuhler? Yes the size 14 woman with the cute top and ham-hock arms next to the bar rapidly approaching the alcohol level that would kill the rest of the girls and send my sister over the top in hysterics. Yes. She's seen it before. I am FUNNY when drunk. LOUD. And funny. At other peoples expense. I think as a deformity at birth, I was born without an internal filter. Ya know, the one that tells you to stop, think about what you are about to say and then has you say something more appropriate? I don't have it. Come to think of it - its a genetic thing - because no one in my family has one.

HA! We are missing the Shut The Fuck Up Gene!

Wish me luck. Hopefully I can get home before there is an incident.
If not, and you happen to see a blonde on the news with a cute top and a Cosmopolitan in her hand doing stand-up in the downtown New Haven police station - tape it for me - I would love to see it.