Oy Veh!

So.... the Bat Mitzvah - What the freaking hell???

Why is is that NONE of you told me the unbelievable event I was going to? I mean, I have been to some AMAZING Italian weddings - where there are more GUCCI dresses than in Paris Hilton's closet, bling galore and chandeliers as well as life-size statues of David.

And that was MY wedding.

Hell, we even had a Venetian table (dessert table) 20 feet long that had our last name spelled out in chocolate liquore cups and THAT has 10 letters - many vowels - whatever. And there may or may not have been smoke from dried ice when it was unveiled.

But THIS party - was a Par-taay!!

As I have already told you, they rented an entire Aquarium for the venue. A museum, people. THE WHOLE THING.

Upon first arriving, you were greeted by white-glove clad hostesses directing you the ceremony upstairs, where I found three baskets. Basket#1 had color-coordinated beanies (teal to match the occasion - it was a fish/mermaid thing - since it was at the Aquarium) - PASS. Basket#2 had 8-page brochures to explain the ceremony - YES, please. And Basket#3 had satchels of spices - again, I passed not knowing what these are for.

Sit WAAAAAAY in the back so as not to embarrass myself not having any idea if it was like Catholic church what with the sitting, standing, kneeling, I figured we could just follow along. Take note of all the beanies - I believe we were one of perhaps four couples with the men sans skull cap. Listen to a very eloquent speech by the honoree of said party - note to myself that I am shocked a 12 year old girl has that in her. Readings from torah. THEN. There was a part when they hucked HARD CANDIES at the girl. Like Jolly Ranchers. What the FUCK is THAT?! This was not in the brochure.

Ceremony ends - Mazel Tov - and we are told to make our way downstairs to the appetizers. Pass by the life-size cutout of honoree atop rock with mermaid tail - as was the cover of the invitation. Father is the artist. Amazing detail. Life-size print-out must have cost $500 at least. And it has little white lights framed around it. As you viewed the many aquatic displays - they had table upon table of yummy things to nosh on. A large sushi display in front of the shark tank. Etc. If this wasn't enough excitement for you - you could move into the Otter room where they had set up The Kid's Room.

The Kid's Room had the following...

• Appetizers of their very own - children appropriate, INCLUDING a real-live soft pretzel machine rotating in the center of the table.

• A caricature artist set up to take requests from any and all

• A Photo Booth to take pics of the kids and either frame, make magnets or keychains out of them

• 3 Shiny-Shirt clad young women who were walking around passing out blinkie buttons, necklaces and rings as well as the day-glo jewelry and generally hyping up the kids

Now, listen - I am not kvetching here - but I was in waaaaay over my head. I was dressed appropriately - but DAMN. These people had every detail. And speaking of dressing. ALL of the women at the party had their "girls" on display like the sushi. Holy Crap - I haven't seen that many tits at once since we cancelled Pay TV.

Next we moved on to the dinner area - outside of the Seal exhibit - place cards were held by silver diving dolphins - yes they were. No plain-ole folded paper here. Nah.

Find our name. Find our table under the sign that says Goyas Only - just kidding, I kid the Jews. But it was the Goya table - funny all the men were making sure their crosses were tucking in. LOL. More than once I thought Goya-Oh-Boyah. Is that wrong? In the middle of dinner. Center pieces carried out the fish theme with a huge hurricane glass with candle atop many layers of sand and blue glass as well as shells. This was all on top of fish netting with shells tossed about to tie up the look. Choice of three entrees - capon, sirloin or sea bass. Butternut squash soup served in a bread bowl first.

But dinner. Not served until 10:30 at night.
I am usually in bed asleep by that time - but whatever.

After and during dinner DJ and 3 shiny shirt-clad girls - now convert to the Fly-Girls and begin getting the crowd going - dancing. Me? Not the dancer. Unless I'm drunk - then I am SO the dancer. This night - ah no.

DJ gives out endless amounts of hats, boas, sunglasses and other accessories. There were those inflatable nylon decorations with the air compressors making them sway. IT WAS CRAZY.

There was also the Photo Montage that was sent to a film editing/commercial company to create this 10 minute documentary - filled with live cartoons of the daughter etc. Slow motion action shots and all. AMAZING.

After dinner, a dessert plate with 3 different desserts PLUS another plate with cake and coffee followed by a plate of cookies and chocolate dipped strawberries.

It was fun - over the top. I estimate at least 200 people there plus 65 kids. I'm guessing when all was said and one it cost no less than $30,000.

After we had snuck into the photo booth for our fridge magnet - we left - crossing ourselves, glad that we were Catholic.