April 13, 2006

The Peapod Guy Is Scarred For Life

I'm not sure if I have ever mentioned the fact that I love to shop online. For everything. All the time. I actually loathe going to the store (except with my sister because THAT is more fun than is legal in most states) for all the clothes/shoes/what-e-ver.

And to that point, I have a shower to go to tomorrow. Guess how I got the gift? A yep - LNT.com.

Saw a LURVLY pair of shoes on a lady in Orlando. Made a comment to that effect - under her breath, she says, "Payless. $9.99." SOLD. payless.com. AND they deliver to the store of your choice FOR FREE. FOR FREE...did ya get that??

And the thing I hate more than anything, is grocery shopping. Not because I dislike food. Oh HELL no! Because I hate all the white hairs and the women with an attitude if your cart is parked in front of the spices. RELAX. Stop huffing and ask me to move it before I throw down the Stovetop stuffing (instead of potatoes) and beat your ass with the pork loin I bought.

I. HATE. GROCERY. SHOPPING.

AND THEN....Peapod came along. Lovely Peapod. With their slick interface and easy ordering. And if ya ever had one of those Stop & Shop cards, well, its even better. Everything ya ever bought with that card, is listed for you. All you have to do is run through your list of weekly purchases and check it off, 1 of this, 2 of that - no we don't need that because we have 10... And you can go check that....run downstairs and check it - UNLIKE when you are walking the aisles aimlessly throwing shit in there like you were on that Shopping Gameshow! Remember that show? I can't think of the name right now....

Ya get the point. AND THEY DELIVER. To your HOUSE. Put it in on the counter. And I didn't have to call anyone for bail money. I think THAT in and of itself, is worth the $5.95 delivery charge.

The other day, I realized Old Mother Hubbards Cupboards were fucking empty and I had to right that but quick. But with our schedule looking like this - I hardly had the time to run out even for a few items...

Monday - Karate for Miss Thing
Tuesday - I teach my class
Wednesday - Lil Man has Soccer practice
Thursday - Skating for Miss Thing
Friday - Soccer practice for Miss Thing
Saturday - CCD class, soccer game for Lil Man
Sunday - Soccer game for Miss Thing and church
And both DH and I work full time - albeit mine is from home - I am chained to the computer every day.

I'm exhausted just writing it.

So off I went to find my laptop and make myself a list. I decided that I didn't want to spend all that time waiting around for the Peapod guy. I'd take the 7-9AM time slot. They NEVER get here first. If anything last.

Yep. uh huh. Except for this morning. The morning I slept in. The morning that the alarm had not gone off yet (7:00am alarm). I used to have an internal alarm - where the fuck did that go? Seriously, where? With my younger, skinner body and that other black sock?

So there I am, face pressed into the pillow, sheets twisted around and I am snapped awake by the clearly audible Ding Dong (which rang in my head - Oh Shit Bitch, The Pod Guy is Here - Run Forrest, Run) I was still half asleep.

I stumbled (literally) out of bed, eyes barely open and fell/ran down the stairs. I threw open the door and a clearly shocked Peapod delivery guy was at the door with all my bags already on the porch. Eyes squinted, I mumble "Sorry" very aware that I had morning breath and had not brushed let alone peed - and well I had to do one more than the other. He says something to the effect of "He's sorry. He's early (6:50 people). Hope its ok" I say no problem, open the door and then I saw it - my reflection in the mirror.

I had not taken off my make-up from the night before.
I had DEEP lines from sleeping across my entire face.
I had ridiculously puffy eyes.
My hair was sticking up every which way - like I had been break-dancing.
And.No.Bra.On. with a white tank. And it was cold.
I probably had drool too - but it flew off on him.

See how pretty that picture looks?????

I was so flustered, I threw on a sweatshirt - started rubbing my eyes and well, by the time he left (screaming) I looked like a coke addict. And I didn't even tip the guy. He ran out so fast. Or maybe I was too slow.

I SO know I am going to be lunch banter at the Pod today.

7 Comments:

At 10:21 AM, Anonymous sherry said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Am...peeing...myself.

I love the visual. LOVE IT.

Plus? Bras? SOOO overrated.

And, if it makes you feel any better, I've answered the door in a towel on more than one occasion.

The mailman NEVER rings the doorbell anymore.

 
At 11:02 AM, Blogger Michele said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger Michele said...

I had to delete my first post because of the typos. Sheesh.
What I said was:

I was already laughing my ass off, then I hit the break dancing comment and I think I pulled something.

You are defintely going down in the Peapod Daily Delivery Logbook:
"Potential Crack head. Don't arrive early and don't make any fast moves. Have exact change. Alert back-up."

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger Island Girl said...

bbaaaa ha ha ha. Okay- I guess my story about my leaking boobs when the peapod guy came would not compare to yours. ;)

I miss Peapod. They don't deliever where we moved. *sniff*

 
At 2:00 PM, Blogger Carol said...

I've got to give Peapod a try, but pray nothing like that would EVER happen to me. ROFL - Way too funny!

 
At 8:03 PM, Blogger Sheri said...

oh sweet Jesus - I am laughing so hard I think I hurt something. I can just picture that visual..... poor Pod Man! ha ha!!!!

Yes, you probably were the talk of Peapod....." Yeah, man, check this shit out! This psycho beeyotch came at me looking like a deranged Whitney Houston. WTF??? I was thinking..."get out man...get the fuck outta here!"

or something like that. Or he might have seen you as looking all sexy, rode hard and wanted to give your hubby a high five. lol

 
At 9:10 PM, Blogger Wendy said...

I think I'm glad I can't get grocery delivery, because I just know that would happen to me.

My worst doorbell experience had me in my pjs screeching at kids that were in total meltdown over getting ready for school, when my neighbor showed up to tell me that my stupid dog stole her shoes, right off her porch, right in front of her.

 

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