March 10, 2007

With The Rag Top Down So My Hair Can Blow*

I have mentioned on many occasions that my RIDE - she is lame.

I mean lame in the - "I drive a Huge Blue Minivan That Is A Color Blue That Sticks Out In Any Parking Lot Thus Ensuring I Never Walk Aimlessly About Hoping To Find My Cookie Cutter SUV." Yeah, never. I am saying the above with much envy for the SUVs and a prescription for Nicole Richie's glasses to hide from the ugle truth.

This van has been the bane of my existence. I have replaced nearly every part in this ShitBox. New transmission - check. New head - check. New every other freaking thing - check, check and check. I have, in the past month, gone back to the mechanic and had 3 different parts go BAD that were brand new! While still under warranty - and not milking away any more of my hard earned cash - I think it is turning parts bad ON PURPOSE. I. Shit. You. Not.

I am in the midst of researching a new SUV-type vehicle. I have looked at every model, every detail and have narrowed my search down to a few that need a test-drive to determine the winner.

I have decided that I was going to wait until the spring to actually purchase a vehicle:

A) I am still undecided

B) Holy Shit The Amount of Cash These Things Cost

C) I don't want to walk around a parking lot in the freezing cold feeling very pressured to not allow my kids to get frostbite on their extremities just because I really WANT the black GMS ENVOY DENALI - and not the red one.

This plan may have changed....

Fridays I teach the daytime Ad Design class at the Art College. My kids are a really talented bunch - with much spirit and bust-ass capabilities. Something I can REALLY appreciate.

Usually the smoke from their tires has cleared out of the parking lot long before I venture out to Big Blue. This was NOT the case this past Friday. There they stood - the whole class. Surely bitching about the assignment I had given them. THAT I don't care about. I'm USED to that.

But what happened next...I MAY NEVER RECOVER.....

I hopped in Big Blue and fired her up. There may or may not have been Twisted Sister blaring out through the iPod and as I started to gingerly back the bitch up - I saw them.

I saw the whole bunch of them pointing and ... and.....LAUGHING. Not slight polite giggles covered by dainty hands. THEY WERE DOUBLED OVER AT THE WAIST - THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS!! Shocked. I stared at them.

They were LAUGHING at my Ugly Betty. Not one to EVER let things go - I rolled down the window and pointed my finger old-lady style and shouted "YOU. YOU do NOT laugh at the big blue minivan. There is NOTHING wrong with the Big Blue Minivan" (This last statement was more to convince myself than them - but WHATEVER.)

The boy closest to me yells back - "Yeah, cuz THAT'S HOW YOU ROLL?"

Fuck - if I wasn't busted by my own catch phrase. Oh how they had my number and I was not liking it AT ALL.

What also DID NOT HELP ONE BIT - was retelling the story to DH and him hysterically laughing at the thought of the kids doubled over in laughter and my shrieking "They were laughing AT me - not WITH me" only sent him farther into a fit that he needed his inhaler. Serves him right - fucker.

Thank goodness the weather is warming. I need to get a new pair of kicks to go with my new ride as soon as possible - CUZ THAT'S HOW I ROLL.

Extra points if you know the song this title is in........


At 9:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in love with my Acura MDX.

At 11:52 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

Ice Ice Baby. And he lives around the corner from me!

I have a Mercury Sable- MOM CARS OF THE WORLD UNITE!!!

At 7:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just for the crap they gave you, you should so make them do ad promoting the big blue Minivan.

At 8:36 AM, Blogger Miguelita said...

Ice Ice Baby. I heard that the other day as I rolled in my ride, the beige mini-van. I am SO hot.

At 12:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn, I was all over the Ice Ice Baby. All right, stop. Collaborate and listen. I drive a Mercury Mystique (which? isn't made anymore, that's how bad it sucks), that is green, with a black hood and no grill, due to the deer vs. car steel cage death match I had earlier this winter. Mystique lost. Wax those chumps like a candle, baby!

At 5:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, obviously, my big blue mini-van is way cooler than yours :)

At 10:23 AM, Blogger deborah said...

they suck! I had to trade my dream car (300M, my 2nd) for my 3rd minivan. this one is red with stow and go seating. this way I can hide the kids in the basement. under the seats. when they're bad.

I'd make one bad assignment up with Ugly Betty and class. Who could come up with, not only the best slogan and prettiest pic, but song, video slide show presentation, and perhaps just throw in a day at the freakin spa for the two of you. You and Betty. For humiliation sake. Complete with hanging tree.


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