Christmas Cheer, Eh, Not So Much...

I have done absolutely everything on my list of To-Do's besides wrapping and really, I'm not done with that because I HATE wrapping.

This time of year used to be so much fun, and somewhere, somehow along the way, I completely lost that fun. I try very hard every year to "get into the spirit" of the season. I am truly SO blessed in so many ways, yet not happy with that. And I am ashamed about that. People have so much less, so much more pain and are so much happier. I feel pathetic. I try to lighten my load, make myself be organized and yet, it never seems to lighten enough to feel joy.

I try to listen to Christmas music, but it always reminds me of my childhood and how HAPPY I was then - which makes me smile (for a second) and then sad that I am nowhere near that place now. Fucked, no?

I hate wrapping, so I use gift bags for everyone except the kids. Which should make it better, right? No.

I grew weary writing Christmas cards - so - I have them made, preprinted with our little holiday wishes, input all addresses into the computer and then just stick them on. Self-stick addresses, return addresses and stamps and poof - we're done. My pen never touches a card. Great right? Nope.

I was overloaded with the gift giving arena and made everyone pledge to take it way, way down. Better, but good? No.

I don't know if it a seasonal thing or that fact that there is so much that leads up to this glorious event, so many balls up in the air and then in a short 24 hours - its ALL OVER. I just don't know.

I am TRYING. I am really rallying to make this a good holiday. IT WILL BE A GOOD HOLIDAY. Sorry to unload all of this, I've been carrying it for awhile and needed it off my back. If I sneer at you, I apologize, it is a smile trying to twist itself out.