February 24, 2006

You Are Not Forgotten

2 Years.

Yesterday was 2 years.

Feb. 23, 2004 was a tragic day in so many peoples lives. You lost your battle to that CUNT of a disease. You fought a good fight. You tried so hard to stay here - to BE here.

I will never forget you telling me over the phone that you JUST wanted to take your daughter to her first day of Kindergarten. You knew you never would. I knew you never would. I couldn't even answer you. My response was silent tears streaming down my face, my hand clasped over my mouth to keep the sobs (or maybe screams) from erupting from my mouth. You didn't need to try to comfort ME.

As I remember it now - that conversation...I remember SO many others we had.

I remember you calling me...."Sharpie?"
Yeah Tra?
whispered tones....."This cancer diet is the BEST!"
Me - HYSTERICAL laughter.

"ONLY you understand me - only you would laugh!"
I laughed for her. It wasn't funny - but it was her. Trying to make light. Trying to keep positive. Trying to live.

My friend had cervical cancer that ripped her from this world. Leaving a 2-year old daughter and a grieving husband behind. She was 33. It took a beautiful, kind, energetic person away and left an avalanche of people crushed behind.

It made you look at yourself. HARD. REALLY HARD.
It could have been you. It COULD be you.
You hugged your kids tighter. REALLY TIGHT.

When she was first diagnosed in 2002 - I made a deal with God (I know stupid but I did). I promised God that if he would just save her - I would quit smoking. At that point in my life I was still secret smoking in the garage.

I quit that day.

He didn't save her.

I was angry but I thought of all the fucked up shit that this has stirred up - maybe there is something to learn.

There was.

Here's what I learned:

1. Don't smoke - its stupid and bad for you.

2. Life is for LIVING. You MAY not be here tomorrow. So LIVE.

3. Call your friends.

4. Accept people for who they are - love unconditionally.

5. NEVER take one moment you spend with your kids for granted.

6. Tell someone you love them - daily.

7. Never forget all of the above.

So thank you Tra. thank you for teaching me a lesson I might never have learned. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your courage. Thank you all the things you are and were. I'm sorry I don't visit your stone. I....have a hard time there. I think of you daily. I see your face everyday and I smile. RIP Tra. I love you...always.


At 3:41 PM, Anonymous Annieb said...

I am not too sure how I got here, I think through your sister. I am sorry for the loss of your friend. Even after 2 years, those wounds are still raw. It is one helluva shitty disease and I am glad you quit smoking.

At 4:35 PM, Blogger sherry said...

I can't believe it's been two years. I know how much you miss her. Although I didn't know her all that well, she didn't deserve that awful hand the universe dealt. Fucking universe.

But, she knows how much you still love and think of her, she's thrilled at all you've learned and how she's changed your life, and I'm certain she's thankful to still live, as vividly as she does, in your memory.

At 6:28 PM, Blogger Sheri said...

Cervical cancer is a horrible, sucky disease. Truly. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend and your words ring that the wound is still raw for you. Your post prompted me to call and schedule my annual exam... you know the one I kept putting off because I HATE to have it done and can always find an excuse to not go.

I'm glad you quit smoking. I just passed my 4 yr anniversary of quitting.


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