June 28, 2006

Gag Me With Your Toothbrush

To say that I have an ISSUE with my kids mouth hygiene is an understatement. I DEMAND that there is extensive brushing AND flossing. This is mostly because I can not stand the thought of having to hold either of them down when the dentist comes at them with a NEEDLE for their MOUTH.

Ever the constant threat - they brush. We even have a timer, as Miss Thing is a mouth breather and collects plaque like seashells. So, every morning and night, the timer is set to 3 minutes and they are TO BRUSH. I realize 3 minutes exceeds the dentist recommended 2 minutes of brushing - but, if your kids are like mine, they are just holding the battery-powered toothbrush to their teeth for at LEAST 1 minute anyway. I figure it works out about right.

Last night, after a long Justice League movie (we are gearing up for the Super Man Returns Movie that my biggest child, DH, HAS TO SEE TONIGHT IN THE THEATER WITH ALL OF US). OK. I sent the kids to go brush their choppers, while I set about doing various chores. Lil Man got there first. I heard the drawer open, the water turn on and a moment later the buzz of the battery-powered toothbrush. OK. All sounded good. UNTIL. Until Miss Thing, in all her lazy, unhurried gate, ever trying to stay up a wee bit more by procrastinating, enters the bathroom. I am in my office, across from the bathroom. I can hear everything.

Miss Thing - (audible gasp) "IS THAT MY TOOTHBRUSH?!?!?!" (He's been brushing for 2 of the 3 minutes by now.)

I couldn't help but gasp myself, because A) Ew, ew, ew B) she has like a Bratz toothbrush, and his is Batman and C) because I really wasn't sure what she might do to him.

Lil Man - (genuinely surprised and VERY remorseful) "Sorry Aggey - Sorry - I didn't know."

Now I have my hand clasped over my mouth to try to keep the laughter in.

Miss Thing (inaudible hushed tones and I'm SURE she ripped it out of his hand) "Gross - HOW COULD YOU USE MY TOOTHBRUSH?!"

Lil Man - "Really, I'm Sorry - It was an accident." He leaves the bathroom and hops in bed.

She continues to berate him from the bathroom. I go in to tuck him in. He looks SO sad. DH is just coming up the stairs.

Me - "Stop yelling at your brother - it was an accident - PLUS, it's NO BIG DEAL. I use Daddy's ALL.THE.TIME."

This part was a total lie - because I would gag and possibly throw up if ever it touched the inside of my mouth - but I was making a point here.

DH comes in just in time to hear me say I may or may not be using his toothbrush. His expression is half shock, half smirk. Because he knows I kid. I am a kidder.

I lean down to kiss Lil Man and lie my head on his pillow. He really is sorry. I can tell. He wears his emotions on his sleeve. "Don't worry about it - she'll get over it."

DH with a twinkle in his eye, and his voice dropped asks, "What happened?"

Me - "He used her toothbrush to brush his teeth."

DH is now giggling like a little girl - "Oh MY GOD - he did?! Does she know?" TEE HEE TEE HEE

I sit up now - I really can't take it when he laughs - it makes me laugh hysterically - we are directly over Lil Man who keeps trying to interject that it was an accident - but we keep on whisper-talking.

Me - "Yeah - she CAUGHT him - with HER toothbrush in HIS mouth!"

DH is near hysterics now and trying very hard to keep his voice low as Miss Thing is right down the hallway and probably able to hear all of this.

Lil Man just can't take it anymore and sits up and says "IT WAS AN AC-----CI-----DENNNNNTTT."

I have to calm him down because he is feeling so bad about this. "Don't worry kiddo. Really. Its no big deal. I use Daddy's toothbrush all the time."

He turns to DH for confirmation, he also knows I kid.

DH nods his head as it's really all he can do. I know he doesn't trust that hysterical laughter will not erupt if he dares to open it.

Lil Man "Really, Mom?"

Me - I am whispering now - really close to his face - "And you know what? I use it to brush my butt."

Lil Man turns to again get confirmation - but DH is no where to be found.

He would later tell me he went to tuck in Miss Thing, but I know he went to sniff his toothbrush for any scent of ass. I was almost certain I would have found it in the trash. I nearly peed myself drifting off to sleep seeing him smell his toothbrush every morning. Oh, how I love to fuck with him.


At 12:03 PM, Blogger VTek said...

Miss Thang is going to have to learn to hide her toothbrush (especially as brothers get older and like to get revenge via toothbrushes and toilets)!

At 12:19 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

You mean I need to brush my butt??

The thought of anyone using my toothbrush or me using another person's toothbrush makes me all queasy.

At 12:26 PM, Blogger Louise said...

When I was a teenager my mum bought me and my sister new toothbrushes- a pink one and a blue one. Somehow there was some confusion and we both thought the blue one was our own, but never happened to brush our teeth at the same time until SIX MONTHS LATER when we relised we'd been sharing a toothbrush for all that time.
I swear to god I almost vommited. SIX MONTHS!!!

At 2:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OhGoodGrief - that sounds like something I would *LOVE* to tell my nephews, except I'd get really dirty looks from my in-laws . . . and perhaps not get to use all their obsolete baby stuff in the future. Gah, behaving sucks.

I have bought the same pink hippie (recycled plastic) toothbrush for the past 3 years to prevent my husband from using mine. Because I'm always the person to buy HIM new toothbrushes when his is grungy, it's *possible* that *somebody* tries his new brushes out to see if different brands are superior. That same *somebody* has very clean teeth, and rinses the brush out very very well afterwards, so "nyeeeh". ;)

At 3:01 PM, Blogger JayMonster said...

OMG, that was funny!

Anybody got any suggetions on how to get a nose sprayed coffee stains off an LCD monitor? :)

At 8:36 AM, Blogger Miguelita said...

I have used my husband's toothbrush and lied about it.

At 8:40 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

LOL...and GROSS! ;-)

At 1:06 PM, Blogger macboudica said...

Hilarious, but...EEEEWWWWW!

At 3:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's like an episode of Seinfeld ... The Butt Brush.
One time my toof brush fell on the floor so I tossed it, because I shed a lot and ew! I didn't have a spare and the thought crossed my mind to use hubby's. But then I thought of all the gross things he eats and how particles are probably left on his brush. My choice was made--it was the fingerbrush for me.

At 9:58 PM, Blogger Penny Karma, aka the F-Bomb Mom said...

I guess that's better than if DH were to sniff your ass for the scent of toothpaste.

At 8:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We're very territorial in this house about our toothbrushes, as well. Everyone has their own, including the babies. Dental hygeine is next to godliness 'round here.

If someone used mine, I might throw up. On THEM.


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