June 12, 2006

You People Are SO Deep

And here I thought I would attract a more low-brow following, what with my filthy mouth and all. I didn't expect such difficult questions - sheesh - but here they are, to the best of my meager abilities.

1. What's the meaning of life?

Though I have never been much of a philosopher, I do have some theories. I think the meaning of life is all about our own abilities. The ability to Laugh. The ability to See Things Clearly. The ability to Learn From Our Mistakes. The ability to Forgive and Be Forgiven. The ability to Love Unconditionally. The ability to Learn Life's Lessons on a daily basis. All of the above, I have been able to see clearly through the eyes of my kids.

And to rip-off Billie Joel,"Happiness is an EXTREME, looking around and going everything is OKAY is what is the norm. Contentment is living."

2. Thin or Thick Crust Pizza?

Absolutely thin. My favorite pizza - bacon and onion.

3. How did you and hubs meet?

He hired me. No, not off the streets. I was 19, looking for a waitressing job, my freshman year of college. I had gone to 8 restaurants looking for a job, the 9th was the restaurant he was a cook at. I had no experience, so, no one was eager to hire me. He took my application. He was wearing a KISS t-shirt, I remember. (Of course, he was.) I got a call that night from the owner to start the following day. I was thrilled. I really needed a job that worked around my school schedule.

I found out later that he had written "NICE" on the top of my application, which was code for good looking and that he wanted me hired. He chased me around for a while. I shot him down more than a few times. And later, I decided to go out with him as he had a really nice car and more money than any of the art guys I knew - so, at the very least we could go have a good time. I figured it would be "FUN". (Makes me sound really shallow, no? I was going to art college full time, working full time to pay for my apartment and car and only eating at the place I was now employed.) He turned out to be different from all the long-haired band types I had been dating (the complete opposite actually) and I really feel in love with him. Plus, he has a huge cock.

4. Do you, like myself, get a little kick out of it when the secret word verification letters in the comments section accidentally spell dirt words?

I have never had the good fortune to actually have that happen to me. But, being as juvenile as I am, I would laugh hysterically and secretly hope for it to happen daily.

5. Do you plan on having any more children?

This one is easy. FUCK NOOOOOOO.

6. Your husband and your kids fall overboard on a cruise and you are only able to save EITHER your husband or your kids...who would live?

Did my husband put you up to this?

Because it sounds suspiciously like a question he posed to me way back when Miss Thing was born. She was not even a week old. I was on our bed, just oogling her and he was clearly jealous of my deep and unconditional love I had for her, even though we had just met. "You like her more than me." Me, surprised...."NO, no I don't. Its just different". (This was a total lie - but I could tell he really was upset by his rank in the family moving a notch down.)

He asked, "So, if we were all at the top of a cliff and she and I fell, who would you catch - because you could only save one of us."

Without a seconds hesitation I said, "Her. I would save her."

He was so hurt. I could tell it immediately, so to try to make a joke out of it - I said, "Well I still have stitches from the episiotomy, so she would be lighter."

He told me that if it were him he would save all of us or go over with us.

I suppose that IS the proper answer. However, I stick by my original answer - I'm saving my kids.

7. Would you rather run around your office once naked or make out with the most unattractive colleague for 30 minutes?

I could never run around naked - I would die of embarrassment - so it would have to be the unattractive colleague. Does it count if its a female? Hey - I've never done any of the above - so don't knock it until you try it.... or have I???

8. Would you rather have a unibrow you could never pluck or be bald for 10 years?

The unibrow, as I could cover that with the bangs from my long locks, ala Stephen Piercey from RATT.

9. What is your biggest regret in life and why?

This one is big. It still hurts my soul and even now just writing it, I am welling up. It stems from the abuse sustained by a family member. I regret that I was not a stronger person to stop the abuse that I (and subsequently my little sister) had to endure. I regret that as a child, I willed myself to believe that he did not do to her the things he did to me. And even though I was very small, I think some part of me knew he was. I regret that as the older sister I did not protect her as I should have. I regret not asking her until so many years later. I regret that he probably did it to other girls because I didn't tell. I regret that my mother is a different person since we told her. I regret that we spent so many years with this by ourselves. I have never said any of these things to my sister. I regret that.

I do NOT, however regret that every January, I have a drink all by myself, to celebrate the day he went into the backyard and blew his head off. I do regret it had not been sooner. I also regret, that I did not get to piss on his grave, as I had plotted and planned since around the age of 7, because he was cremated.

10. What's the best and worst advice you've ever received?

Best advice - Don't eat yellow snow. And - It doesn't hurt to ask, because if you don't, you already have "No". Thanks Dad.

Worst Advice - Letting the hairdresser "Richie" talk me into the Dorothy Hammel Haircut.

11. School Uniforms, for/against and why?

AGAINST - because they are gay. And SO uncool.

12. Sleep training. Yes/No Why?
I mean I enjoy a good cry now and then - but I try not to let it put me to sleep. Seriously though, NO, absolutely never was I able to listen to my child scream for me. Fuck Ferber.

12. What are your secret talents and/or side show skills?

Secret talents - I make pretty creative invitations, I have been told I am an excellent baker (not cook), I can make any fake flower arrangement as good as anything you have seen in the stores (for a whole lot less), I've been told I have a knack for decorating my house, I have been known to make doll clothes for the demon American Girl Doll WITHOUT pattern on a whim, I make pretty cool jewelry, and I painted everyone I know Christmas Ornaments. Wow, I don't know if that was talents or my membership into the Lamest Mother On Earth Club.

As for side show talents - well - I can't sing or dance but I have been told I am pretty funny and can tell a joke/story. If I could TELL you some of the stories I write here - they would be MUCH funnier. Ask my sister, she usually hears them before she reads them.

13. What's your most disgusting favorite food?

Most disgusting favorite food - Pepperoni and Peanut butter. I know, I KNOW. Try it.

Seriously, I expected much simpler questions, like what my name was or if I picked my nose. Thanks for playing along.


At 10:37 AM, Blogger Miguelita said...

Wow - too much to comment on all at once. I laughed, I cried, I retched, I commiserated, and I sympathized.

Going out to you - A big hug, a good laugh, followed by some thin crust pizza and a few beers so we can piss on the spot in the back yard And some Kiss music, in honor of your husband.

At 9:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ohmigawd. You blew the lid off with THAT one, you know what I'm tawkin about.just wow.

At 11:33 PM, Blogger BSumner said...

screw hair pics.... I was pics of the cock.

At 11:38 AM, Blogger macboudica said...

And you are so deep, also! That was an amazing post.

And I am so happy that Blogger is letting me comment on your site again.

At 12:43 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

I wasn't expecting number 9 after the Ratt hair pic...great post. Just, really great.

At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just, wow. You never cease to amaze me. Ever.


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