July 31, 2008


When you are SO busy with work and completely MISS lunch and then FEEL BAD, because hey - the kids are STARVING, and you agree to take them to Burger King at 2:30 in the afternoon....

There are nothing but Whackadoodles in there!!!!!

Seriously - the WEIRDEST bunch of people you have ever seen.

AND everyone that came in asked for Whopper Juniors with A) Extra Ketchup B) Extra Onions C) Heavy everything.... I have NEVER even heard someone ask for Heavy anything... but, did you know that is what is SAYS on the register Heavy Onions, etc....

It was like dinner and a show.

July 30, 2008

Need Unique Idea

I have a virtual co-worker/friend who lives across country and is getting married in September. I am not invited to the wedding - I know this because we spoke at length about it and am TOTALLY fine with it. No children are invited and I am not flying solo to the midwest - so, really - it works out FINE!

Here's my dilemma.... I want to send a wedding gift anyway. I have worked with this woman through freelance opportunities for 10 years. She has given me a LOT of work and for that I am VERY grateful. She is an artsy type with a penchant towards earthy, granola type things. She saves the whales (literally). She donates towards worldly causes. She is 50ish and marrying (second marriage) a much younger man. She is well established and needs for nothing.

See my problem? I have no idea WHAT to send as a gift. the typical punch bowl or vase will not do. So, my dearest dearies.... What do you suggest?? Any and all suggestions welcome!

July 25, 2008

Love Fest

L from Everyday Life showed me the love! Thank you L, it is nice to be loved!

So, I'm going to spread some more love around and send this out to the following whom are a always in my daily sitemeter (thanks girls)...

Horkin Ramblings
I Got 2 Babe
White Trash Mom
I Promise Not To Laugh During The Seance
For The Love Of Pete
Where's My Laptop

Now, go spread the love, too....
Memoirsofamommy.com says The rules of this award are: SHARE THE LOVE!!! Share this award with all those blogs out there that you love. All the people who make you smile. All those that make you laugh. All those that make your day. All those that leave uplifting comments on your blog. **All I ask, is that you include a link to this post with the award and ask your recipient to do the same**

July 24, 2008

Since She Isn't Here

Since my sister up and left me for the next three weeks, I am left to simply imagine what the conversation would have been like this morning....

Ring....... (it would be her calling me - because I suck in terms of calling people and she is always good about it)

"Hellllllllllllllllloooooooooo" she would say in a sing-songy voice.

"Ouch, yeah...Hi." (me sounding cranky and out of sorts - as usual)

"What is it? What's wrong? Are you ok??" and she would say like she really meant it, because she did.

"I don't know. I mean... I woke up this morning and my left wrist really hurts."

"What do you mean hurt, like you slept wrong on it?"

"No. More like if I bent my wrist, ya know like I was doing the "limp wrist" thing....."

"Limp wrist thing?? Why would you DO that?"

"No, I wasn't DOING that - it hurt MORE when I did do that. Now it is hurting all the way up my arm into my shoulder blade."

"What did you do yesterday to hurt it. WAIT... it is NOT a handjob thing is it, because I'm not sure I want to hear about that...."

"NO NOT A HANDJOB! Didn't you hear me say it was my LEFT hand, ya know I'm right-handed and therefore only give handjobs with my right hand. GOD, EVERYONE knows that!"

She would be hysterical at this point, but still willing to play along.... "Did you hurt it exercising? Were you trying to be like Vera de Milo??"

"Nice. No."

"So, you didn't do it working because you are as you said - RIGHTHANDED. Swimming?"


"OOOHH, wait, what about staining the deck?"

"No, it didn't bother me until this morning."

At this point she wold be yelling in a muffled tone to the kids about not touching something or another - most likely Max....

"Yeah, sorry.... so what is it??"

"I think I know...but, I don't want to tell you..."

"What?? Don't be stupid...what is it??"

"Do you promise not to laugh??"

"Ok. Yes, you weirdo, I promise not to laugh... What is it..." And she would already be giggling....

"I think I hurt it ............. playing Wii. Specifically cow jumping..."

And she would be completely hysterical and begin wheezing until Max asked her if she alright....

Yes, I miss her..... It's going to be a long 3 weeks....

How To Have A Peaceful Summer Day

Sounds a bit too good to be true what with kids that bicker, fight and generally annoy each other on a minute by minute basis, right?

I may have found the solution...

Yesterday while running errands, their LEAST favorite thing to do, we ran to the bank to make a deposit. I parked in front of the bank between two other black SUVs, making mine the third. Literally run into the bank as it was pouring cats (only), make deposit, get 2 free lollipops, jet back out the door. My kids are used to my fast pace and usually get in the duck row and follow along. But, as they are getting older, their need to do their own thing emerges and they make decisions based on their own gut instincts.

As I open the driver side (after hitting the clicker to unlock all doors), I look back (as I always do) to see that my kids have not entered the car... What? I step forward and realize that they are standing at either side of the NEXT BLACK SUV over from mine, waiting for the doors to unlock. Laughing... I say.... "Uhhhh kids, are you going home with someone else??" Embarrassed and laughing, they scramble into my SUV. Let me first say, we were in a VERY safe place and I was never worried for their safety.

"WHAT were you doing?" I ask, because really, the car they were standing at was a BMW and I have a Chevy Envoy Denali, for Pete's Sake - Not even close!

Lil Man says quickly, "I was just following Miss Thing. She went that way and I just followed."

I knew it was her, Miss "Spread Her Wings, Do It Her Way" Thing. "Why didn't you just follow me?"

Miss Thing is laughing so hard, I begin to laugh. She squeaks out, "I don't... I just don't know!"

I am laughing and then begin to envision other scenarios, like if the woman had been sitting in her car with the doors unlocked and they jumped in. Or if they set off the car alarm. And then I really start to laugh. I give them each of the scenarios and they are hysterical at the thought of each.

I am nearly crying when I say, "I can't believe you two did something so dumbass. Wait until I tell your father, he is going to HOWL" And he would. And he would call them dumbasses too.

In unison they yell, "NO! Please don't tell him! He will make fun of us SO bad!"

Wait a minute... this is leverage... OK, think...think....

"Ok, I won't tell your father what dumbasses you were if you get along for the rest of the day, no fighting, bickering, not A WORD."

Again in unison, "Done."

And it was so. For the rest of the day into the night, not a peep. So, what you need to have a peaceful summer day in your house.... blackmail. God, I love summer......

July 17, 2008

OK - Vacation Is Officially Over

I was going to give you all more on our lovely trip, but blogger is being bitchy and loading pictures is akin to swallowing glass so... here's the summary... we went to England, France and Germany and had kick ass times in each, OK?

Work, I believe I have mentioned, has been in a real down swing lately and it has made me very nervous. While I know that the economy all over sucks wind, when you are not making half of what you have been, that's more than a recession in our house... it's dire. Thankfully, this week is back to the crazy ass ways of freelancing, where I have no idea how I will get it done, who is going to cook dinner (pizza I am looking your way tonight.. wink wink), and not working out (absolutely no time). Put on top of that I started back to school in my MFA program (2 classes dear God, what was I thinking?) for a grand total of 6 assignments due this week. Yesssssssssssssssssss. But I wanted to be busy right?? Careful what you wish for.

I have to share a strange story with you all, as well.

Miss Thing has a friend K. K's father is friends with DH. They have a lot in common and tolerate us wives and he calls my husband often. So much so, at times I may or may not have referred to him as DH's girlfriend. The wife and I get along OK, but she's a bit MUCH to take and we have witnessed some CRAZY behavior over the years on her part. I think I may have posted about the time we had gone over there for a picnic, only to have the two of them fight and bicker THE ENTIRE TIME.

Anyway, she is nice enough and Hey - we all get our crazy on at times, so... no big. This summer, she has called a few times to invite Miss Thing to go places with K. They have gone over to their house for a playdate, come here for a swim, etc. The other day she calls and invites Miss Thing to go with K to go see The American Girl Movie. BUT. There is a whisper in her tone....

"Is Miss Thing going to want popcorn?" I hesitate for a second, unsure how to answer that, cuz doesn't EVERYONE in the WORLD want movie theater popcorn??

"Probably. Is that a problem? I mean, I'll send money for her to buy her own snacks" (thinking this is the problem)

"Ok. No... I mean... that's fine, I'll just have to speak to K."

"Ok, I'm lost."

"Well K has put on some weight and I need to limit her, so, I wasn't going to let her buy any snacks. It's not a problem, I'll speak to her and Miss Thing can get whatever she wants."

(What the gray fuck?? FIRST, the girl?? Not overweight... developing and perhaps a little thicker round the middle. SECOND - mother used to be fat as a kid and has MAJOR anxiety kid will be made fun as she was. HER problem - not the kids problem. THIRD - how is it even OK to think K will be OK with Miss Thing sitting next to her slamming down mass quantities of popcorn? CRAZY FUCKING LOON!!)

I proceed to suggest that take microwave 94% fat free popcorn from home, I will send it actually since I have it RIGHT HERE. And Miss Thing can get a water - no big really. (NOT that I do that to my kids because really movies are few and far between and when we go - we enjoy the whole experience. Cuz really, I know FIRST HAND that it is not about total denial of things, it is moderation.)

Mother says no... skirts around issue, decides girls should get Twizzlers as there is less fat. Ok, whatever, I'll tell Miss Thing.

I hand Miss Thing $10, tell her to eat healthy, purchase a water and Twizzlers as she doesn't want her friend to feel bad. She looks at me funny, but I explain no more. She isn't dumb and tells me that her POOR friend got yelled at for eating ALL OF THE SNACKS they made in Summer Camp by said mother. WHAT? The kids get ONE snack each day - not ALL THOSE SNACKS. Good Grief.

Next day, Miss Thing arrives home with her friend K and the $10 still in hand. I question the mother, she sweetly smiles and says it was her treat. Ok. Thanks a bunch. Walk in the house to a FACE on Miss Thing.


"Ya wanna know what I had for a snack? AT THE MOVIE THEATER??"

Uh Oh. I really am surprised because I thought we had this hammered out the day before on the phone.

"8 Swedish fish."

"WHAT?? 8?? How do you know that?"

"And NO drink."


"Yeah, K's mother said all 3 of us (I slap my forehead at this point because I forgot K's sister was going too) had to share a candy and they picked Swedish Fish. I got 8. EIGHT. I ate them before the previews. It was a 2 hour movie and nothing."

I am kinda laughing out of sheer surprise and her total pissed-off-ness. "You mean to tell me - all 3 of you got 8 Swedish fish for a snack?"

"Well they got 7.5 because there was only 23 fish. And NO drink" she quickly shouts.

Now I really am laughing visualizing her face eating those dry ass fish. And the fact that they actually sat there splitting Swedish fish, for the love of god.

"Why didn't you buy your own, I gave you money?"

"SHE wouldn't LET me."

"Ohhhhhhhhh." Now, I got it, she needed to control the situation fully.

Now, let me state for the record that I am ALL for parents doing what they feel is right especially for the health of their children. BUT. Does this Mom realize that by humiliating the kid in front of her peers (twice if you include the yelling about snacks) that you are pushing the kid to sneak food. Not to mention what you are doing to her self-esteem, body image and their relationship. I just didn't feel a friend for a movie was the time and place to be so stringent, especially when there are perfectly good options to bring from home (99% Fat Free microwave popcorn, water and fruit go into my Movie Theater purse).

Am I weird?? Would you do this to your kid? Your tween daughter??

July 14, 2008

Weigh In - Week 27

After all the wine and food we consumed in Europe, I thought this would not be possible to say, but....

Here's the official weigh-in Weight Loss for Week 27....


Official weight loss Grand Total is 45 lbs in 27 weeks.

Now 15 more to go!

I can't believe I lost the pound I gained in Europe AND lost 2 more! I am almost giddy!!

July 10, 2008

Brussels, The Boss & Silvio

Before we actually arrived in Belgium, my misconception of the tiny country was that there wasn't much to see or do there. I had plotted my ventures to other countries dismissing the place I was laying my head down nightly. What I quickly learned was that Belgium is very rich in historical moments that include The Battle of Waterloo and The Battle of the Bulge. They are also the center of the European Union. Their pride in their history, combined with the gorgeous architecture led us to Brussels, to a place called Grand Place.

Among the gorgeous buildings on the large square are restaurants and quaint shops. The winding roads that spider off it contain more of the same. Follow one road and it will lead you to the famous Mannekin Pis.

Follow another to the statue that is supposed to bring you good luck if you rub it. Just our luck, THAT statue was closed for renovations. Undaunted, we entered the square with our mouths agape. The buildings were as large as I had ever seen. With ornate carvings and gold detailing, they looked like a facade for a movie set.

We wandered around the immense square and down its roads, buying olive oil to take home and other special treasures. We ate at a wonderful restaurant in the square who's menu was completely in French and the waiter spoke no English. Being this was our adventure, we hoped for the best and picked out a few items. The kids were lucky as they could read Spaghetti Bolognese and they all chose that. Our meals were delicious and filling. We headed back to the square for a few more pictures.

When all of a sudden, my husband says, "Holy shit.....That's Bruce Springsteen & Steve Van Zandt!!"

So, we quickly walked over and snapped a few pictures. Weird thing was, no one was mobbing him. Apparently, the Belgians don't know Born In The USA or Silvio from the Sopranos. We were asked politely by their bodyguards to not make a big deal so they could enjoy the square as well and we obliged. How weird is it to see the Jersey Boy in Belgium on our little adventure? It just hammered home the surreal quality I kept feeling during our entire trip where I would say to myself (or out loud sometimes) "I CAN'T believe I'm HERE." It just didn't feel real.

But it was, I had the passport stamps to prove it and the 500+ pictures I took along the way. Which I can proudly say, I had developed, put in albums and labeled. You have no idea what a BIG deal this is for me. I have been known to have at any given time 5 YEARS worth of pictures of the kids in envelopes never to see an album, until I feel so overwhelmingly guilty, I lay them all out on the dining room table and try to put them in chronological order before I hastily shove them into albums. The last time I did that Lil Man was entering kindergarten and I realized I had not ONE picture of him actually IN an album.

Tomorrow, I'll tell you about our solo trip to London, England. Bloody Hell!

July 09, 2008

Europe Part 1

The most amazing thing about spending two weeks in Europe was all of the spectacular attractions we saw while we were there. Considering that we were lucky enough to see four different countries, you can just imagine all of the sites we took in. And for that reason, I will break up the trip into smaller, more digestible parts, so as not to bore you with my drowning on and on.

We left out of Newark Airport, NJ instead of more local airports as it provided us the only direct flight. That added a two hour travel time from lovely CT and it really was a small price to pay to ensure my luggage arrived safely. After all, as I mentioned in my last post, the clothes, while beautiful in Europe, are tailored to fit extremely skinny ass people with NO CURVES. And while I have lost 43 pounds and dropped down to an acceptable size 12 pants/Large shirt, when I tried on the cutest pair of pants I HAVE EVER SEEN in Belgium - I couldn't pull them past the knee. Sigh. Big thighs, my nemesis.

And speaking of weight, I am happy to report that despite my not limiting my alcohol intake, which may or may not have been a 3 bottle of wine a night + a bottle of home made Lemoncellos (read grain alcohol) habit. And the fact that I ate BREAD and CHEESE and every other God forsaken thing put in front of me, I only gained a pound. Technically when I returned it was 2 pounds and then my body was like, "Hey, wait...Are you HOME? - ok, NOW I can relax." Now, just a pound and I am not too worried about that. Thank you tiny baby Jesus.

So, the overnight 7.5 hour flight sucked ass, and the arriving at 2 AM (our time) 8 AM (Belgium time) proved to be alright since we were hopped up on clean air (except for the goats being up-wind) and seeing my extended family I had not seen in 6 months. After throwing luggage in our beautifully accommodated room and showering, we were swept off to our first destination Butte de Lion, which is the site of the Battle of Waterloo. There stands a large monument facing France (talk about flipping the bird, right?).

Note the picture and the STEPS and the INCLINE. This was my first taste of how these people stay skinny. Oh yeah, and no air conditioning. None. Or elevators, escalators, parking lots, screens on the windows, or non-carbonated water that didn't taste like spit in a bottle. But we climbed the 225 steps straight up to heaven and were rewarded with (not having a heart attack) and these amazing views...

After the trek up and down, we headed to a local bar for a bit of beer to wet the whistle. You'll notice this particular theme runs through most of these stories.

Tomorrow I will post about our trek to Brussels, Belgium and our star spotting.

July 08, 2008

Back From Our 2008 European Tour

And just in time because if I had to see ONE MORE pair of thong undies wedged up their perfect size 2 asses, I was going to give myself Liposuction using the Shopvac.

Europe, she was great. Like ya need two cigarettes in bed, great.

More to come soon, my sweeties.

Did you miss me?